take care Sean, hope you don't get the nightmares...

It happens sometimes. I sure hope you don't/didn't have those dreams! Hang in there!

Simply trying is a victory in itself, Sean. Progress over perfection. In my own journey I have felt this very frustration. Nightmares did follow the effort. I believe the nightmares brought it closer to the surface and made the confrontation of my inner demons possible. Still, it took time.

So or no for your case, I sure hope you keep trying.

I think you are very strong to try and journal... Getting started is the hardest part... Well for me anyways... I have journal phobia because it seems that in my life anytime I get into it something really traumatizing happens to me... The last time was this August and I had my memories resurface on the page... It was a literate flashback and it definitely rocked my world and not in a good way...!!! So any ways I hope that you didn't have that nightmare and that you are having a really lovely day today...!!! And good work on the starting.... I'm impressed ...!!! And I totally get how wrecked you feel after... That is normal... I think anyways

Putting words to the unspeakable is the hardest challenge life has. Don't be hard on yourself after one try. How would it be any easier? This should never have happened in the first place. Talking here about how hard it is to journal about it big in and of itself.

Write what you can then stop. Then start again. You'll get it out.

I think you did very good! Those journals of why we are here are not easy for anyone and just by writing what you could IS a giant step forward. So give yourself credit

Thanks for the support guys. Nightmares came old mixed with new. Funny they were not any worse than what is in my head. My mind is my own worst enemy. Luckily can not remember dreams only the smell of rotting meat. His smell. Hungry, made food but can not eat. I just am saddened because that was the first of two rapes, and other stuff that followed. If it was just the one instance I probably have come out o.k.

I don't get to know which mighty IF might have saved me from my PTSD burden, Sean. Wondering about it only makes me crazier. Loopus Maximus! The IF game was so destructive in my own life that I declared it an acronym for, "Idiot Factor." Not to moralize at folks who can iffinate safely. Just reminding myself that "IF" is a dangerous word in my own mouth.

When I am in a nightmare phase, I take it as a good sign when they change. I believe the change means I have reached the hurt zone and progress is underway.

Steady as it goes, Sean.

Thanks Arfie Idiot Factor is now in my arsenal.