Five years my mother committed suicide by hanging herself in her backyard. Myself, my father and mybrother were all on the premises at the time. Mum had been depressed for sometime but a couple of hours before she took her own life she had a minor car accident - which I believed induced a panic attack - yet she was missing for hours, despite constant police searches of the yard - then, suddenly, she was found.

It was the most dreadful thing I'll ever see, although the thing is - I didn't really see all of it. I've got big gaps in my memory not only for that night but also for the days following. I used to think I had been spared the sight of my mother's body hanging from a tree (my father and brother both saw it) but now I wonder as sometimes have flashbacks or funny little dreams which feature, it seems, little bits and pieces of the back garden and all the men from the coroners taking photos. If I did see those coroners photographers, then I must've seen Mum and blocked that out too.

I had some alcohol that night but my brother assures me I was not drunk.

I do remember saying goodbye to my beautiful mother before they took her away, of which I am very glad.

For years I was numb - I was a lot busier then with my young daughter (whom, incidentally, has rejected me since I told her the truth about her grandmother when she was 13). 

I don't get 'flashbacks" or panic attacks but I'm still on quite a lot of diazepam and anti-depressants.

It seems sometimes that the longer ago it happened, the more depressed and listless I feel. I've had some horrendous nightmares a couple of times but mostly when I dream of my mother she seems quite normal: it's like she's never been dead until I wake up.

I'm the spitting image of her physically and when I look tired and depressed sometimes I look in the mirror and want to cry for the pity of it.

As mentioned above, I've been "depressed" on and off for years, even before my Mum died, but I wonder sometimes if my current inability to do anything very constructive - for example, to motivate myself to look for work (I've been either underemployed or unemployed ever since it happened) could be more about the trauma of my mother's death than normal grief or depression per se.

I just can't take it in.

As mentioned I don't know much about PTSD: certainly if I have got it, it's not as acute as some cases I've heard of. But would it be more constructive to look into therapy instead of just endlessly taking medication?