Okay, Gnheekin, first things first---there are *free* hotlines that are on the Daily Strength website for you to call, no charges, you can get someone's impartial ear to hear you out.

http://www.dailystrength.org/help/crisis-resources.

I don't know if you're in the US Or UK, but there are also links to other resources on that page. Free ones. So don't even worry about that.

And *we* are here.

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your brother. I was 21 when my sister (26) finally ended as was inevitable---and while it was not a clearcut suicide, it was self-destruction nonetheless. It's a horrible phone call to receive, and yes, it' s aterrible scary place to suddenly be in, full of questions and anxieties that don't even always make it into actual *words*.

But we're here. (I have a doc app't but others will be here, I'm sure, and I'll check back after I'm home from the doc in a few hours.) We've had loss. We've looked into the abyss, and it's looked back. And you will be okay in the end. Doesn't feel like it now, but it will ease into something manageable. Right now, you're in shock a bit, so drink some sweetened tea or orange juice, cry if you need to all you need to, and imagine that we here at DS PTSD have formed a circle of safety around you.

Gentle purrs of healing and hope,
Leo

I am so sorry for your loss! Please know we are here for you and I agree with Leo, give the hotline a call.

((hugs))

Give us a shout-out when you can, let us know what's going on, okay? We're here.

Gentlest of hugs, gnheekin.

It has been 32 years since my oldest brother committed suicide by lying down underneath a running car's tailpipe. The pain has gotten easier to manage, but it is still very present. I am eternally grateful to the non-professional support network who helped me through it and still helps me when the need arises.

Please don't try to carry this alone. The burden is easier when shared.

Like I said in the other thread, my heart hurts for you.

Please, get support, family, friends...
A google brought this up:
1-877-VET2VET
It's a peer support line...I figured you have the regular VA crisis lines to call. The above would be talking to someone else who's been through the same shit, or something like it.

I encourage your oxygen habit, mister. If I could carry this pain for you, I would.
None of this is your fault.
You are a good and worthwhile man.

So, so sorry friend. Glad you came here. Such a sad loss should not be shouldered alone. My closest friend committed suicide, and his family asked him to be a pall bearer at his funeral. I did it, which means I helped carry his casket on my shoulder to the grave.

Nothing is heavier. It is a good idea to call that number, 1-877-VET2VET. I got help. I couldn't do it alone.

Keep coming back. We're here for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I can see that many others have helped with resources and that is good. I know you are hurting now but it won't last forever cause it will change into something you are able to handle. It is a shock right now but remember you are not alone in this. We are here for you.

My heart also hurts for you...Gentle Hugs!! Let your emotion out here...vent/talk...there is kindness and compassion on this site! My thoughts and prayers go out to you!

I am so very sorry for your loss I don't know what to say but I care and will listen,,, agree to reach out ,,,,, get inside and outside support there is no shame here,,, my brother died last year to cancer losses ptsd all add up as someone says,,, heaped on each layer by layer don't go it alone