A relationship calls for compromise - that's a two-way street.

One person is frustrated because he wants sex and he can't get it.

The other person is in danger of being physically violated and emotionally overwhelmed.

Which one should make the compromise?

I know a couple that was married for five years before they had sex because the wife was afraid of intercourse. And they were married people! So it's really not too much to ask of someone who truly cares for you.

''''''''''''( A relationship calls for compromise - that's a two-way street.

One person is frustrated because he wants sex and he can't get it.

The other person is in danger of being physically violated and emotionally overwhelmed.

Which one should make the compromise?

I know a couple that was married for five years before they had sex because the wife was afraid of intercourse. And they were married people! So it's really not too much to ask of someone who truly cares for you).'''''''''''''''



Sorry I just had to copy and paste this donnaw, because its so hits the nail on the head , in my opinion.

Violet everyone is giving loving caring advice.

Just a thought , What about cross posting this to the "Healthy Relationships Group" , again just a thought ....it might be of benefit as well as here.
wellbe

Am I wrong to take this relationship slower than he wants? I want him to be happy. He and I love each other and want each other to be happy. He doesn't want to have sex. Gosh I can't wrap my head around this.

Violet, kiddo, you're young enough to be my own kid. And if you were, I'd tell you this: "Worry about what makes you happy without reference to anyone else. You like to paint? Paint. You like to sing? Sing. You like to wear XYZ colors? Wear 'em. People who like you based on a fake you? Don't really like YOU. The keepers in life are the ones who like YOU, warts and all." (Which is the abbreviated version of what my mom told me when I was around 13 or so.)

I know. My two BFFs other than Hubby? Since 1984. Another great friend who hasn't blinke ddespite PTSD and stuff? Since 1988. Warts and all, they like me, I like them, we're honest aobut who we are with each other and we know it's safe to be so..... and when it's not safe to be so, that's a red flag to me.

To me, you're going through things that require a professional to help you sort out, so ignore me if you want, that's fine.

In your words.
You want him to like you...? If it's that hard to like you,the way you are, sex of any sort won't change it. Love is better based on friendship...where he already likes you. You won't make it better jumping that step.

You are going in circles again. Take some of what is offered that works and Do it (therapy and schooling) He can wait or move on, but you destroying yourself to please him is a recipe for disaster. He will get what he wants, notch the bed pole and move on, you will be in a heap ,worse than before.

" that's a different story to any girl your age, it does involve the heart. Let alone one that can easily be swayed/manipulated as you were." What did you mean by this? How do I tell my boyfriend he's moving too fast w/o hurting his feelings or offending him? Idk why I'm terrified by this situation because I know my best friend and he'd never hurt me. Why am I so terrified?

Violet, I believe she referred to your history and the vulnerability of anyone young. We're all easily mind-gamed in our teens and even into our early twneties and sometimes for all our lives---we all have weaknesses upon which others prey, GOd knows---

And you tell your boyfriend by telling him, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is too much too soon for me." Simple as that.

You're terrified b/c you don't want to lose your friend, IMHO, and b/c it's a scary prospect. If I recall correctly, you don't have much family support? So you're scare dif you don't "play along" you'll be alone? I'm just guessing, since I'm not a therapist, nor your therapist, and don't know all the facts, but frankly, women in their 40s (like me) can be utterly terrified/destroyed at the prospect of losing a husband or lover or friend---so it could just be you're suffering from a dose of Human Nature.

Again, as I'm not a therapist, I can only offer my POV based on provided info, and wish you well.

I wish I wasn't so easy to be taken advantage of. I know my boyfriend wouldn't but that's my biggest fear, being taken advantage of. People use me a lot (not physically). You hit the nail spot on. I don't have great support at home. And I don't want him to leave me.

If I can be so blunt? If he leaves you over something like this? He's not much of a friend. And I don't know him at all, but based on years of watching my older sister make every mistake in the book (we had no internet then or she'd have made every mistake on the web, too, I suspect)....? If he's been this supportive this long, then he's probably not going to run sceaming from the idea of you asking for more control of how fast, how far your physical intimacy goes.

Frankly, as a rape survivor, that's been huge for me---and my hubster has never minded. As he once commented, about 20 years ago now, "Hey, I don't have to guess what's going on, that's pretty nice."

Good luck!

Sorry, got a paragraph deleted by accident, my computer has jumpy cursor disease.

Meant to put in there that...
My sis was never one to be herself and be honest if it risked losing a guy---so she ended up becoming the nightmare mind-gamer---and I don't know if she ever did know who she herself really was b/c of how she killed off parts of herself to make sure she "kept" other people. Well, if we don't have ourselves, who the heck will we EVER have?!

The thing is I've told him 3 times at least that some of the things he does are too much. This last time he came over and I gave him hints that I didn't like what he was doing. But he didn't seem to understand my hints.

I have another old saying......

If you say the right thing, and in the best way YOU possibly can, then you don't have to take responsibility for the response.

In other words .... maybe it's time to stop hinting, and simply say exactly what you mean -- straight up.

Clear communication is going to be important.

Things like ....

"No."

"Stop."

"I don't want to do that."

"You need to leave."

I hope you can hear compassion in my voice, and NOT judgment, but ... I think you need to get some professional help.

So do lots of us, by the way, so it's REALLY not judging you ;-)

But if your self-esteem is stopping you from getting YOUR important needs met ... it's not going to get better over time ... without you really, really working on it.

And I think you should have help along the way.

I've flat out told him twice I don't want to kiss as much as he does. Or it's too much. Yes my self esteem is very low.

This is not a hint thing. Tell him you feel violated, not by him, but the pushing for more from him, makes it all you can see.
This is where therapy will help you work through it. Have you found a therapist yet? You need to do this, we are not doctors, but because of experiences as a collective, see you going down a path that will bring on more pain than the cyber idiot or your family. You always say you fear your mother/parents finding out, but the more you delay the better chance of making another bad decisions that are habit forming.

" that's a different story to any girl your age, it does involve the heart. Let alone one that can easily be swayed/manipulated as you were." You know I know your story, the cyber guy was a manipulator, you were not strong enough to see for what it was. He seen a vulnerable childlike girl, what we see. He took advantage, he would have stopped/ran if you contacted authorities, that's why he hid behind a keyboard. But you were so easily swayed to believe his hollow threats, didn't tell family that may have taught him a lesson in life or court.

Your brain connections are not fully formed for understanding consequences,(about 23) but they can be very hormonal and emotional. If you get help, Professional help, you may just recover.But the longer you wait the more you make it worse.

I know that your are in need of support, acceptance but, please stop circling to avoid being truthful on your own behalf. You don't have trust enough in yourself to trust him...therapy will help this too. But clinging on and letting him think you are okay with this phase of a relationship is wrong for you and him. No hints, straight talk with him...if he leaves, well he was only there to get what he thought he could get.

You won't get over this by asking question after question, then making reasons not to help yourself. Violet, you are old enough to move out, but do need at least a GED for any decent job. Spend the time you have accomplishing that and getting a therapist to help you. Then move out. Out from the ones making you more fearful, your mother, or fear of complications of a full relationship. You will only do yourself more harm by not doing it as soon as possible.
We are not doctors, but re-read these responses and reasons you give to us, to not move forward, that's what we see.
It's hard to help someone that won't help themselves, especially when this too is in a cyber form.

All of this ^ we went through before, circling again, will not help, here or on other boards. You need to take real steps for your own benefit. Then if you need help understanding the ways your councilor is trying to help, we may have some insights.
Jewells

The way I'm seeing it?
Here's your choice:

Take a step toward adulthood.
Don't.
There you go.
Adulthood---selfhood--self-esteem---means---out of the home environment. Make a plan to get the education, the $$, to achieve what you want in life. (Career goal, own home, etc.) Scary? Yes. NEcessary? Yes.
Don't---and you will feel like this for so many more years to come, unnecessarily. Hate to use a scare tactic, but it's true.

Therapy helps with this ENORMOUSLY.

If nothing else, ask yourself the simple question: Do you really want ot be with a guy who doesn't respect you?

You awnt an easy out. We all did at that age. (And still do, let's be honest. We've just learned by now that there aren't any, dang it.) There isn't one. I'm sorry for that, but it's truth.