Oh my wise cohabitant of this forum.... this is a tough one. BIg condoleneces to YOU for the situation you face---and for your sister's outcome.
With budget an issue---send a donation to a charity in his name, maybe, and let Hallmark do the talking on the card? I can't imagine what to say, either. Other than "I am so sorry," and leave it at that. It covers a lot without going into details that can hurt or baffle.
Biggest gentlest furry healing vibes I can manage,
Leo

Arfie a lot depends on how this "She learned how to stand up for herself by covering her gentle nature in thick, mean barbs. I have regressed to mutism in her presence and am appalled by what she has spoken for me in recent decades. " effected our relationship.
As a widow, I will tell you the platitudes like "He's in a better place" "You'll be stronger because of this" or any similar one hurt more than help.
Also promises said only to fill space. Be honest about the reason for not coming, "I just don't have the travel money right now" is better than anything she may think in terms of why you can't or don't make it there.
If you can send a bouquet of flowers to her home, many people send directly only to the funeral home, but at night she is alone. A bright colorful spot in the grey helps. Simple words that express your sympathy to her. If you have any fond memories of him she probably will get comfort from them.

For her and you my sympathies in this situation, these are shoes I wear that she will need a lot of time to get used to. Everyone handles the loss of a spouse different, but it essentially an amputation of half of who you are after so many years. I worry for her, where the drinking comes in, because combined with her childhood, she has no coping skills, the bottle is a crutch or a sledge hammer in her hands, she is the only object in the line of the swing.
J.

arfie- your post hit close to home.
I too understand frozen pen.
You are in my thoughts.
wellbe

Send your condolences to her through the air. Just say it, or think it. Call on your Higher Self, the biggest you, for assistance and advice. The Buddha said that a part of us was never touched by a cloud. She is in there, this part, your natural self, who would have been, who is, even with the past. Let yourself calm down. You don't have to do anything right away. Time is infinite.

My closest sister advised me that my newly widowed sister was already on social overload. It is easy to believe. One quality of being from a large clan of party animals is just how quickly the clan can over fill a social venue.

I texted an anecdote to the reverie. This particular brother-in-law was quite effective at encouraging my mechanical interests. One night, at one of the clan meets, I had been bitch slapped especially hard and was trying to melt into a sofa cushion. He flopped his lanky form down on the couch beside me and announced, "Never eat yellow snow."

"Huh?" I looked at him like he had grown a third head

"The dickheads are just having a pissing contest and you should not eat the yellow snow. Consider the source and don't let it get to you."

I still hold those as words to live by. Never eat yellow snow.

Thanks everybody.

Nice, I almost feel the smile curl at a memory like that shared.

Beautiful and beautifully done, Arfie:-)

Sometimes, you don't need to say anything except, "you have my sympathy."

A wise person once said to me, "when you don't know what to do, do nothing."

I am sending you supportive vibes.

Hard to know what to say that could possibly cover so much history. So it only matters that you show you care, which you obviously have shown here to us so well. I'm sorry for this loss and what it means in your family's history, and I'm glad you shared here. Now support goes out to you as you find the way to share with your sis.

You did good. And, "Don't Eat The Yellow Snow." :)

I have never had to deal with anything like this, the only person close to me that I have lost was my grandmother, it seems everyone else I pushed too far away while I was younger. I just found out that an aunt I had died about 3 years ago, I found out maybe last week or over the last weekend?
Honesty is the best policy though. I do so wish her lots or warm healing hugs and I send you the best hugs that I can.