I was raised by a violent narcissist father

like other children raised by a narcisist

i did not think I had the right to even be alive

your parent kind of assumes your identity and lives through you

Your whole life centers around pleasing your abuser

he had no empathy center that worked

i was an it

his only touch was using a homemade paddle with holes drilled to hurt me more

He enjoyed beating and yelling at me

the physical abuse was tolerated much better than the emotional sabotaging

  I was not allowed to have close friends, no one could dilute dads control.

I was not allowed to have a girlfriend 

by college I had no attachment to any human more than the surface friend 

I finally found a girl, we fell in live

had a wonderful time for a year

then one nite  this was very small school with one cafeteria and 1200 kids

she snuck away with a guy even though we were pinned

she went drunk with a guy into a rival frat house

i was sitting around a crowd of guys when I heard a couple of guys talking about pulling  train on my girlfriend

15 guys had taken advantage and gangraped her

They bragged about their action all over that little school

 betrayal had got out of hand and they violently gangraped her

i never held a girls hand

hugged or showed any public display of affection

i would never trust anyone ever again

i isolated and a damaged soul from childhood I could not take public sexual humiliation

i was young and did not understand the damage to her or me

as damaged kids we do not know we have no boundaries and are going to be used and hurt

this  trauma was buried and I had no idea it was there

four months ago it exploded

my triggers of people staring at me in a restaurant was connected to those guys staring at me after they trained my girl

I always wondered why something so neutral caused me so much pain

There was blood spilled by me going after some of them

I learned to hatr

a nice innocent girl was destroyed public ly

they destroyed her reputation

brough fear into her life

that free young spirit full of discovery now she was afraid traumatized and trying to act like nothing hapoened

today they might go to jail back then they bragged like they did something courageous

yhry Destroyed the only thing I loved

I could not get the image of 15 guys mounting her as the rest cheered

nothing in life was sacred a d all I knew is everyone would betray me 

all those emotions and fear are stored at the time of the abuse

so I was experiencing my 20 year old self freak out

i never knew how much this event damage trust and every relstionship

if a girlfriend or wife was going out alone at nite

i was ready to leave, ready to be beyrayed

my trust has left me forever

i would be uncomfortable and distrusting of people 

sad to just be realizing the damage done