I am so sorry you are experiencing such pain of which those of us on this DS site are all too familiar. I understand you have nieces and nephews you enjoy as you can. They would miss you. And we on this site would miss your telling of the better life, which could be ahead.

I was diagnosed at age 62 after a breakdown, got on meds and have enjoyed a sense of well being and contentment ever since. I am 66. Prior to 62, I had hopeless thoughts always leading to the morbid thought of why stick around. Everything worthwhile seemed highly overrated to me. That was my brain telling me that I needed help, but I didn't listen.

What once appeared as a breakdown was really a breakthrough. You could be standing at the threshold of the best that is yet to be. Just a thought from my own experience.

oh jeez, that's not good at all. whenever i get those `for sure' thoughts i end up in-patient, and i've been in-patient a lot.

it might be a really crappy reality, but in hindsight and with a bit of stability under my belt, i have to admit it saved my life.

i hope you don't harm yourself. i hope you'll reach out for professional help.

Please go to a crisis center and get help. Are you on meds that have the side effect of suicidal thinking? I spent some horrible years having to sit on my hands to keep my suicidal urges from overwhelming me. So I understand how strong the urge to commit suicide can be. I have actually tried a few times, and been inpatient a couple of times. I thought everybody, including me, would be better off whithout me, but what has happened is that there were a few times after that I got to help somebody and I wouldn't have been able to if I was dead.

Do you know the movie "It's a Wonderful Life"? That helps me. I recommend that you watch it.

And please, stay here.

hugzzz

I understand how you feel.......you're not alone.
Life can be very hard...I read when that people think about suicide as a form of respite..I know it doesn't sound like it.

But Marsh Linehan the inventor of DBT said something to that effect.....Maybe you need a break.
I could not take my own life...But i do want a break, a miracle, something...Hugs

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Your screen name is proudaunt- do you have a niece or nephew? How about a job?

I'm sorry you are in such a dark spot.

Oh, I truly believe I understand, and there's precious little I can offer you other than cliche stuff.

One is "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. Many of my medical issues are permanent, and getting worse, but not EVERY problem I have IS permanent. Some are BOUND to get better.

But the other thing that's been on my mind a lot, as I wallow in my own brand of misery, along the Honduran Caribbean coast, is a scene from the Tom Hanks movie, "Cast Away."

It goes like this. Maybe you'll see why I'm thinking about it a lot, lately:

"We both had done the math. Kelly added it all up and... knew she had to let me go.

I added it up, and knew that I had... lost her. 'cos I was never gonna get off that island. I was gonna die there, totally alone. I was gonna get sick, or get injured or something.

The only choice I had, the only thing I could control was when, and how, and where it was going to happen. So... I made a rope and I went up to the summit, to hang myself. I had to test it, you know? Of course. You know me. And the weight of the log, snapped the limb of the tree, so I-I - , I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over *nothing*.

And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again.

So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing.

And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass...

And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island.

And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

Makes me sniffle and snort, when I think about it. Another line ... from "The Rock:"

"We nurtured the hope that there WAS hope."

I like that one, too.

I'm sick ... again. Fever. Sinus infection. I'm hopelessly far from anything you'd call "home."

It's hot as blazes. My eyes won't work. I'm seeing double. I've lost everything -- my wife, my house, my life, my friends, and my health.

Horrible, soulless, sadistic, narcissistic people took it all away from me.

Most of us know the type of people that I'm talking about.

All I do ... pretty much every single day ... is walk until I can't walk anymore, and then I pretty much collapse.

Once I stop moving, my visual impairment prevents me from actually DOING anything, so ... my demons circle around me and wait. My buzzards. My vultures.

But I keep breathing. Won't you join me ??? We'll do it one day at a time. When that doesn't work, we'll do it one hour, or one minute, at a time.

I wish you peace, health, and strength. I truly do.

I feel that way too, often...The thing is, it does hurt the people you leave behind...a lot. If I could find a way to do it without causing pain to anyone else, I would-but there is no way-it does cause tremendous pain to others.

People tell me that the feeling will eventually pass, for me that has not been the case, but I am learning to function as best as i can while I still feel this way.

I guess I just wanted to say that you are not alone, you are not the only one who struggles with these feelings. (((hug)))

So sorry you've had loss upon loss. I and others here have had them, too. It's incredible yet another one could come on top of all that's already been lost.

As to who would miss you, I think you'd be surprised. I know it may be no comfort to you now. But I know I have been surprised at finding out people I didn't even know about were watching me live my life. Sometimes they were even drawing inspiration from me when on my end I was convinced all was lost.

I pray for people as I walk and see households sitting at the table. I pray for people on buses. And for people on line. People who would never know that someone is praying for them. I pray for their troubles to "release" in someway personal to them, for higher power guidance as they can understand, for love to be known inside of them in their darkest hour.

One day while walking in prayer, it dawned on me that others have been praying for me. Ancestors prayed for generations yet to come, which is me, and I too pray for my grandchildren and those who will become a part of our family through marriage, etc. I pray for generations to come.

I wonder if there has ever been a person who has not been prayed for or wished the best for or loved when they didn't know they were. In that sense, none of us are alone--ever. We are all part of something so much bigger than ourselves. And this website brings us all the more together in knowing the hurting heart clear across the nation or ocean. We are not alone.

i lately have been in that state of mind lost the one person who totally got my DID PTSD ,,,, instead I went to my gay church and played my trumpet , have not played in forever,,, it was affirming I still can make difference have no family either nobody calls this friend cared,and she is gone but I went to the minister and asked for prayer , she is openly gay but I felt a powerful spirit as others came to lay hands on me and pray i am not getting preachy believe me 4 people left out the back row when she made it clear we are a gay affirming church I have trouble with all that but faith in something what ever it is ,,, and the crisis line is confidiential called many times I was even watching documentaries dark about hospice european places where it is legal for assisted suicide I believe all on here if honest ,, have been there you are helping us by telling us so we can help you,, please ,,,,, reach out,, that is helping me I am going on a church picnic tmrow do I feel like it heck no but I must,, stay so the basa,,, rds that did this dont win so I can help another in need ok that is all I have bmw

i am a proud aunt too but they have forgotten me I know they are yougn and busy with their lives we have a very dysfunctional family so I am here to tell you,,,, you are a proud Aunt I still love those kids no matter what It would be hard on them to lose you,, bmw

I wish I could think like all of you but all I see is an empty future, I am hopeless.

If that's where you are right now, then that's where you are. We DS-ers meet you there. Draw upon our collective hope if you must. We are there "in the foxhole." We all have fought the same war, some fighting still; we are bonded through the emotional pain and bonded through the victorious relief hope is sighted.

Please stay connected, okay?

yes I agree stay connected ,,, DS we are here for you hugs