It seems that I'm pulled here more and more as of late. It's been months since I posted here. My reason is always the same, I don't want to burden or trigger anyone with my issues. I know that this negative way of thinking is just my darkness trying to make me stray from healing. I'm getting to a place in my healing proces where I liken the darkness to satan. I have found that this helps me tell my past to stay in the past...even though it hardly ever listens. The more "happy" I become and the more I'm able to go to stores by myself it seems the deeper and darker my depression becomes. I'm at the point where I don't understand this. Why is that I can have several good days/weeks and then BAM I'm smack dab in the deepest, darkest depression? It makes no sense to me at all anymore. For lack of a better word, I feel like I'm drowning in darkness these days. Just goes to prove that no matter how far you move your problems still find you. You can't run from your past or escape it. I've been trying to reinvent myself and find my true self. I've also been immersing myself in God's word. It's helped and brought me some peace and a little understanding, the peace never lasts long though. It never fails that something stupid happens and the dark closes in around me. When I try to explain this to people they think that I'm suicidal and this couldn't be further from the truth. I refer to my depression as "darkness" because I'm in a dark place when I'm depressed. My father thinks I'm like his mother, my grandmother whom I've been told was manic depressive secondary to bipolar. So instead of making my parents worry about my sanity I'm back on here where everyone understands what I'm going though and don't judge. There's too much judgment these days that it's so nice to connect with people who simply understand you. I have been staying with my grandma when my Uncle and Aunt go out of town. She is eighty, set in her ways, and loves to watch scary, thriller, suspense driven movies. Especially movies where they're seduced and killed, Lifetime or Hallmark movies. The point is, these movies trigger me and I can't let it show. My parents have told me to just tell her I can't handle these movies, but they make her happy so I watch them with her and suffer in silence. Sorry this was long and mostly just me rambling, but I needed to get this off my chest.