Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I just woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. Angry thoughts about work have kept me up.
Good thing is that I know that I have PTSD and that I can perfectly identify the source of the trigger.
Bad thing is that it's something at work at some stupid planning meeting I have to attend every effing Monday.
Last Monday I noticed how my morale went down the drain after that meeting. I kept thinking "Everyone seems ok. The meeting flows well and people seem nice and upbeat". And that's true. What I noticed this week, however, was that I never seem to be included in anything. They want me there just to observe them sniffing each other's asses about how "awesome" they are.
When I try to contribute there's always awkward silence. I work with a whole bunch of assholes and the place is more a popularity contest than anything else.
What's worse, these meetings are to plan an event that I can't care less about and not even believe in. They keep me there because I am working on the part of the even that's the most tedious and no one wants to do.
Having so many issues with past abuse, no wonder I feel so bad after that one particular meeting. I spent the rest of the day feeling very discouraged and withdrawn. I dread every time I have to deal with the project related to that even, and I effing hate the whole thing, I hate it conceptually, I think it's a ridiculous waste of money and resources.
Since at this point I know well what the problem is, what I have to figure out is what to do about it. There's a lot of "personal politics" (read "high school mentality") in this whole thing, so I'm not sure that try to dismiss myself from the project is the best thing.
Anyway, I'm just sharing here to keep my mind out of my anger and see if I can sleep some. I'm taking the day off.
Good thing is that I know that I have PTSD and that I can perfectly identify the source of the trigger.
Bad thing is that it's something at work at some stupid planning meeting I have to attend every effing Monday.
Last Monday I noticed how my morale went down the drain after that meeting. I kept thinking "Everyone seems ok. The meeting flows well and people seem nice and upbeat". And that's true. What I noticed this week, however, was that I never seem to be included in anything. They want me there just to observe them sniffing each other's asses about how "awesome" they are.
When I try to contribute there's always awkward silence. I work with a whole bunch of assholes and the place is more a popularity contest than anything else.
What's worse, these meetings are to plan an event that I can't care less about and not even believe in. They keep me there because I am working on the part of the even that's the most tedious and no one wants to do.
Having so many issues with past abuse, no wonder I feel so bad after that one particular meeting. I spent the rest of the day feeling very discouraged and withdrawn. I dread every time I have to deal with the project related to that even, and I effing hate the whole thing, I hate it conceptually, I think it's a ridiculous waste of money and resources.
Since at this point I know well what the problem is, what I have to figure out is what to do about it. There's a lot of "personal politics" (read "high school mentality") in this whole thing, so I'm not sure that try to dismiss myself from the project is the best thing.
Anyway, I'm just sharing here to keep my mind out of my anger and see if I can sleep some. I'm taking the day off.
Many of us here have mentioned the idea that politics and superficial social exchanges are our least favorite. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it. To people who have been mistreated, reading signals and sincerity are necessary for safety (according to what we have learned) and social niceties often cover true feelings. How do you "read" someone who doesn't want to be read?
Highschool is a good comparison, and I wasn't good at the game then either.
I have a hard time in groups too. I don't currently work in that type of setting, but am contemplating a move that would later require this. I'm interested to see what people have to say since you are in good company here (we all don't like fake).
But I learned that it is important to take my boundaries into work just as in any other area of life. You have a right to be treated with respect, a right to be heard.
Companies are known for saying they have an "open door" policy when it comes to communicating your concerns but my experience is that communication in companies is ineffective and manipulative.
I hope you can find or create a positive work environment.
Since you are not interested in the committees upcoming event, and feel marginalized, my means of surviving it would be to be grateful at this point for your marginalized role. You perceive the others as A holes so why care how they interact with you. My suggestion would be to consider attending in a polite, attentive but DETACHED frame of mind. Observe their game, take notes on items relevent to you, and execute your part of the event with more excellence than is even required- in other words you can demonstrate through your needs that you are taking the "high road" and not going to let their pettiness define you. Hold your chin up, and part of your resentment way pass. It worked for me any way.
Sorry this is making you lose sleep. I agree Guayaba about reading signals, but also think we need to focus on rising above the pettiness we find in the world instead of mistakenly thinking it defines us. All it does is define them.
Those meetings have a way to get to me.
Next Tuesday there's an event to announce the activities for that even that happens in June. I have to stand up and talk to the audience about my role. It's supposed to be about educating the community, and the only actual education happens with my participation.
I have no problem with public speaking (thanks to the cult I grew up in that had me giving speeches since I was 4). What I decided to do was use those 5 minutes of fame to let them know where I'm standing. I'll be saying that my role is the most important because is the only part that involves education, which is why it exists in the first place.
I figure that since I'm unpopular anyway, when the spotlight is on me I can pretty much say what I want.
I am working on my choice of words and tone so I don't come across the wrong way. But I have an idea of what to say.
In any event, thank you. I do feel much better now.