Itsnotallok, I can't forgive either. the childhood abuse is just so horrific, and the ramifications have been so huge, I can't even get my head around it. I'm not sure what way to go either, and I'm 52. I despise people like my abusers, and it feels like that is coming directly from the child me. So I feel I need to honour it and be accepting, but I also feel stuck somehow. I'm taking all this to therapy on Friday. keep in touch.

There is absolutely no discounting the anger and suffering of having survived sexual abuse. Healing is something that has to take place every day as a conscious effort to not see yourself as a victim. I have periods of joy and peace, but when life circumstances trigger me and I get to feeling overwhelmed, I tend to revert back to that fire of rage that flares up to knock me off track. It's so much better to acknowledge the existence of those burning embers and to continually put out small fires than to let your sorrow, and resentment tie you to the life-squelching effect of anger. Forgiveness is not something that you do for the perpetrator, and it's goal is not to release them from accountability. Forgiveness is saying that you refuse to be shackled by misery and failure because you have absolutely no way of going back and undoing what's been done, and you are letting go of "what might have been". I think it's a process that often needs to occur for some on a daily basis until they believe that they can CHOOSE to heal at any cost. When you desire something strongly enough in your deepest being, you will that thing into being. Hold your head up high and be good to yourselves! You deserve happiness and freedom from your struggles with PTSD and every other thing that brings you down! I send warm wishes to all my fellow VICTORS and SURVIVORS.

I hear you. My father sexually abused me when I was a kid. He died when I was 17. I couldn't even talk about the abuse because I felt such shame. After much therapy, I finally told my therapists so they could help me. All I heard was, "Okay, well that explains it." What did it explain, and why was it okay? I never got answers to my questions, so I locked the memories deep inside, or so I thought.
I don't know what your family was like, but everyone else was crazy as far as I am concerned. Our mother was emotionally cold. My eldest sister was a tyrant and much later traumatized me in ways you cannot believe. Our other sister lives with her own demons. I am cray, too, more crazy by default. All I have ever tried to do all my life is to find out what is normal and get there someday.
You have to forgive your abusers. Everything does happen for a reason, and throughout our lives we have different purposes. But, just because you want to know those reasons or purposes does not mean you can demand to know just because you want to know right now. If you believe in God, you should know that God gives three answers to our prayers, "Yes, no and not right now." He is answering you, "Not right now" because you did not hear Him say, "No."
I am 57. Several years ago, God gave me the writing bug. I was afraid to finish my books because if my evil sister found out that I had written books and had them published, she would do whatever she could to take my success away from me. As soon as I gave into God's direction for His purpose in my life, things got worse in my mind, but it actually got better. My most current book is going to be on the website www.volumesdirect.com in a few weeks. It is on forgiveness. You can see my other books "Ignite the Do Within You" and "The Bitter Journey of Alzheimer's." In "Ignite the Do," I have a chapter devoted to finding your purpose in life. Good luck.

Forgiveness is entirely a personal choice some do and some don't.

Everyone has their own path and is FREE to chose how they will recover.Forgiveness is NOT a requirement to heal and people can move on without forgiving and those who advocate forgiveness should respect those who do not forgive...........is that simple.

Each individual is a unique phenomenon.Nothing is written in stone.

Thanks, Tootienni. I get cranky when people tell me I have to forgive. there's no rules about how you're supposed to recover, and everyone has their own journey. For me, it's unfolding as I go along in therapy, and follow my inner urgings. take care and thanks for your input.

Itsnotallok... I think radical acceptance can be used if you do in fact think your abuse was horrible, etc. To me it's more about the acceptance, and accepting not meaning condoning. To me it's saying "I accept what happened to me, but that doesn't mean it is ok!!!" DBT is dialectical behavior therapy. It is often used for borderline but more recently used for PTSD, bp, etc. I've tried it twice and didn't find it that helpful, but to each their own. That, and I couldn't justify the $200 a session price tag, two sessions a week, with a year long commitment!!! (oh, and no insurance help to boot). This is in the MD/DC area, it may be different elsewhere. There are DBT self help books you may want to look at first to get an idea of what it's about. I have a few and use the skills that help me while leaving the rest behind.

And as for the forgiveness thing, it is NOT essential to healing. I hate it when we are told to forgive. This REVICTIMIZES us as we are essentially made to feel guilty for not forgiving. I have three main abusers. Only one has been forgiven, and it was NOT by choice, rather something that just happened. He gave me a sincere apology, admitting what he did was wrong and his actions prove that he has changed. Three years later while standing in the shower, it just came to me out of the blue that I had ultimately forgiven him. Another abuser refuses to admit any wrongdoing, and the last is out of my life. These two will NOT be forgiven.

And stop me if I'm Waaay off base here, but what about the statement "to err is human, to forgive is Divine"?!?! This says that I don't have to deal with the whole forgiveness thing because I am NOT god! I can leave the forgiveness thing up to him/her/whatever.