After my diagnosis, I joined a meditation group and it really helped me manage my anxiety. I was with them for 5 years. Then I went through a divorce, and because I shared how I felt about it with them, they decided I was suicidal when I wasn't.

I was sorry if my tone or something scared them, but we'd known each other for 5 years and I thought we understood each other. It was sad, because time proved me right, but the episode made it uncomfortable for me to continue with the meditation group.

I appreciate it when others want to help me, and I guess it's better that they err on the side of caution. But it came at a cost.

I'm sorry you've been misunderstood, too. You're not alone.

To me, this is one of the hardest aspects of PTSD struggles. I want to connect with those around me who love me, but I have all kinds of thoughts and I question my existence all the time and I probably sound scary to them, but I do not want to harm myself in any way. PTSD has made me pretty intense in their view, I can see that. But really I just want to connect. Being misunderstood hurts. It just adds to the issues I already have. I keep asking myself, am I going to scare someone if I talk freely? The answer is usually yes I will. So it's like I want to be close to people but I know if I'm real with non-PTSD people they will freak out on what they hear, even if it is a stream of consciousness type thing I'm twirling in my head only. I struggle with this, I don't want to scare people, but then again I feel so alone and I want to connect to the ones around me who I love and love me but I know I can't really because they will be scared and I kind of feel like I can't be real and that is a isolating feeling. So now I just don't really share with those around me because it just causes more pain in the end. I'm sorry you are going through this with your mom.

My grandma's like that, mostly to her kids. She always ends up being the victim and center of attention. She's a lot better than she was in the past.
Sorry you're dealing with that. Some people are just like that. It's harder when they're your mom but try not to let her get to you.

Loved ones make lousy therapists. They are entirely too emotionally involved for accurate assessments, much less skillful responses. Even a trained, licensed therapist is trained to recuse themselves from taking on the therapist role for loved ones. Personally, when I am feeling fragile, I only give my loved ones broad strokes on my therapy progress and ask them to let me trust my program for the therapy, itself. They have a right to know I am working toward being okay, but it be an eewie gooey mess. Sometimes less is better. Love ya, but I gotta do this one, myself.

Sorry to hear that your talk with your mother spun out of control. Hope the venting helped. Hope healing happens here.

i'm sorry your mother jumped to that conclusion after you finally felt like you could open up to her.
Glad that you could come here and let this out,and like arfie said,hope venting about it helped..

Today I am not strong. Today I need to rely on the strength of those around me. Not my mom, because she is not strong. Not, my dad, who doesn't know how to give emotional support yet. But there is no one else who is physically in my life right now. Just you guys and my therapist who I connect with through Skype. So today I feel alone and scared.
You are right, Rizen, my mom has always made herself the victim. My whole life I have tried to impress her or take care of her. My whole life, even now I have had to be strong for her and have the answers. She wants to help, and I wish she could, but every time I get real with her, I have to diffuse HER crisis over me. If I don't tell her the full deal, she flings it off as if it's such a mundane thing to worry about that everyone goes through.
I just want a chance to be scared and have someone hold me and comfort me. I want to be a little girl curled up in my Mom's lap. But I'm not a little girl anymore and my fears and problems are real fears, that scare other people and lead them to jump to conclusions.
I mean I nearly died 3 years ago! There was a day when I was abandoned and weak and I could have Died 3 ways that day. Luckily a friend had noticed that I looked like I was on deaths door, and she made me laugh and reminded me that I had something to fight for. I survived that day by sheer luck, and maybe a little on my will to live. I still fight for my life on a lot of days, and everyday I fight for a better quality of life, where my PTSD does not exert so much control over me. But of course I think about life and death!! Of course I think about what living means. That is why we are called Survivors!! We faced death and fear and danger and we survived it. Because we know that, because we know that things could have ended differently, we can seem like scary, dark people. I thank God, or some higher power, that I didn't die because I still have so much I want to do.

I talk big, but I feel small. I am glad in a way that I'm not the only one who was misunderstood, because if I was I would question my conviction. But maybe my mom doesn't know how to find a middle ground between totally fine and everything's terrible. I'm sorry you all were misunderstood by loved ones, it is a terrible, heart-wrenching feeling. If I keep talking and pretending this is a heroic story, maybe I will convince myself. But I need allies. I hate this feeling. I wish it would pass quickly, but as soon as I start to find my feet, I am knocked down again. And because I am so upset already, everything triggers me.
(long string of expletives going on in my head, time to find that cuss bucket.)

hang on a second - i'm going to get my bow

k, now then. i am ready now and i can stand up right here and you rest. i brought a mini cuss bucket - we can have a lender for times like these, it's ok. we are all around you, we do this, yup. we are your allies and we are standing all around you, so you got us. i'm so glad you said something, hugs.

i've just had the most marvelous long rest : ) so i am here, and i am not letting anything get you, you can cry and i will hold you, or let someone more comfortable hold you and i will watch out. you are not alone and family need to stand back, they are not for this part. we got you.

Oh Lilly! You are a life saver. I'm crying as I write this, but I think they are tears of relief. Hold on a minute. I need to cry...
Oh, you don't know what this means! I never cry, as much as I want to. It is so hard to let myself feel safe enough to let the tears come. You made me feel safe and heard. Stand guard, while I have a long overdue crying time. ( You just fended off my mom! Your strength spoke through me.) I could hug you now. Thank you.

Ok, My eyes are wet. There was a dash for the tissues, but I had my cry and I feel better. Thank you for standing guard. I pictured all the supportive people I have met here standing in solidarity and offering all your various flavors of support. Tonight I will be able to sleep knowing I have found such powerful allies.

I also apologize that I forgot to add a TW before my rant on PTSD. I just figured out what TW means yesterday, although I guess I should have figured that one out sooner. I hope that wasn't troubling for others to read.

You are all amazing people, and I will sleep better tonight knowing that you have somehow become a part of my life.

Also I had a session today and my therapist confirmed that my thoughts and fears, while scary are totally normal and understandable. She knows how much I want to improve. My mom can suck it!

I Just can't thank you enough. Big waves of gratitude coming your way.

awww, that is so good you saw your therapist today and you were validated! excellent timing, xoxo
yes, we are here for one another during times like you were having today, we can stand up for one another - you don't always have to be strong, it's ok to ask for help. i'm so glad it helped you to be able to let go and cry, that was a good thing too. more hugs, i hope you have a really good sleep xo