IDK. I can get very philosophical, but I'm a whole lot less wise than I can sound.

Maybe part of it is, that we want others not to hurt quite as much as we do ourselves. That story with the fairy tale ending...is just so alluring.

A friend of mine used to say..."wherever you go...there you are". Our issues are the one thing that we can't escape from. Success don't save us from ourselves.

I grew up VERY suicidal. Yet managed to raise two kids that report never feeling that way themselves. Strange. In a bizarre way, it's a barrier between us. They'll never completely understand me, nor me them.

As for Scott...it's okay to miss him. It REALLY is. He was someone that you felt who understood you. That's not a small thing in this world (as I said, myself, I've grieved the fact that my kids will never have that with me).

Wallflowers/One Headlight

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ap4s6pyoNw

"Come on try a little, Nothing is Forever, There's got to be something better than in the Middle...

...with one Headlight"

Here with you Muji. Bourdain was someone I truly respected. As a child who had one truly dysfunctional family vacation in Iowa, I loved seeing the different cultures and parts of the world. I have been sad about his passing because he seemed like a kind soul. I don’t know the right thing to say but I am thankful for you in this forum as well. Hugs to you kind soul and I always appreciate your insight.

yeah....it's really sad. his last few tweets were heartbreaking.

i'm sorry you're hurting my friend. i totally understand. when chris cornell committed suicide, it hurt me deeply.

I'm so sorry, muji. There are celebrities that I know I'd grieve for if they passed away - never mind the fact that I've never met them, they speak to my heart and I'd miss their voices if they were gone.
People coming to you to talk them out of suicide is great in one way: They see how caring you are and know they can trust you. But I think it can be exhausting for you? I hope you find times when you can relax, "recharge" your own energy, so to speak.
Much strength to you, friend.

i was devastated with the death of Kurt Cobain at my age of 19-

Oh Gen X....

Dear muji,

People reach out to you because of your empathy.
You are beloved here with all of your other wonderful quailties.

You could have very well become a bitter and cold person after all you have been through in your early life,but you did not.

People reach out to you-but remember to put your own oxygen mask on first...

((((( muji ))))

Gentle hug sweetie..... You're right..... It does suck and it does hurt

Sadly when one person commits suicide it opens the door at times for others to decide to walk through it...…. Very sad...… xo

The front man for one of my favorite groups committed suicide last year and his group wrote music that was the anger and grief and the "eff off" I feel so often... I'm still sorting that one out. I mean, who'll make and sing the lyrics that speak for me now? On that visceral level? *sigh* Let alone Bourdain, whose show I loved to watch for his wisdom and his openness to "other".

Don't forget to self-care, Muji. And don't forget we care. Puma power to you in this rough patch. We're all here for you, and for each other.

Thanks for caring, everybody. I took it so hard last night that I woke up physically ill. Running a fever, nauseous, and trembling with a chill. What a psychosomatic diva, huh?

I couldn't eat any breakfast, so I spent a couple of hours drinking Pepto Bismol and diet 7Up to settle my stomach down. When I got over the shakes enough to handle typing on a keyboard, I logged on.

Your comments grounded me. Yeah, it's like Chris Cornell, it's like Kurt Cobain, it's like the others y'all refer to but don't name: it's EXACTLY like that. EXACTLY.

You get me. And to have folks who get me reach out and say so grounds me. All I needed was to be grounded again, and I could start caring for myself again from there, start my grieving. It's going to take some time this time.

Yea I understand too. Anthony Bourdain passing hit me pretty bad, I was crying a lot that night when I found out. Since I’ve been sick & my injuries have made it hard to get out & all my other issues, I would watch all his shows & still got to see the world even though I couldn’t get out, I even bought one of his books last summer. When I was crying about it, it felt like a friend passing.
I’m sorry you were hit in a very similar way, people touch so many peoples life’s & sometimes never even know it.
I’m glad that everyone’s responses helped ground you, & I hope that you give your self extra nice self care & it helps. Just like you say it takes time though,
Sending support & gentlest of hugs <3

& an extra hug just in case <3

oh, (((muj)))

(((everyone)))

it has sucked so much xo

it felt like a dear friend passing tom e too. i don't know about everyone else, but i feel like we know them better as our illness &/or injuries make us much closer than may otherwise be so.

more genlte support, your connections make complete sense, Muj xo

I'm sorry for your loss, Muji..... Sending boat loads of hugs your way. Losing someone to suicide leaves a hollow emptiness. Even if they are only a musician... listening to their music makes you feel like you've gotten to know them.

Suicidal behavior runs in my family. My grandmother (mom's mother) shot herself (mom found her) and I grew up with a bipolar mother who was suicidal too. She suffered from terrible depression and often made threats of suicide. During some of her manic flares she would run out of the house (after throwing dishware agaist the wall) tell us she's going to throw herself in front of a train, jump off a cliff, or some other dramatic threat. I'm so glad she finally got diagnosed and treated before it was too late. I also lost a Marine Corps buddy to suicide... his death shocked our little veteran group. It's never easy, and I don't think we ever move on from it. I think because it's different from when someone dies of natural causes. When cancer or a heart attack takes someone it hurts but we understand it's natural. But when someone commits suicide it always leaves a gaping wound... because choosing death isn't natural and one had have been in extreme agony to have to have been driven to that choice. And learning that about them is also part of the trauma on our part.

I’m sorry to hear the news is upsetting you. I am a survivor of two failed attempts and I will never revisit that. Being around others in the psych ward who were worse off than me taught me to be grateful for what I do have. I believe in hope for the future and we all must try to have a hopeful outlook

Thanks, lilmiss, Lilly, dsf95, and blue. Blue, I'm so sorry you lost a Marine buddy to suicide, but glad your bipolar mom got treatment in the end. I've written here that my dad was an untreated bipolar and my mom was an untreated case of borderline personality disorder. They sold their risky death wish behavior to their missionary bosses as a willingness to give their lives in God's service.

My sister and I were hostages to their craziness, as I've said here before, in the Tupamaro War in Uruguay in the 70s, the Salvadoran Civil War against the FMLN rebels in the 80s, and finally the Peruvian Maoist Shining Path Guerrilla war in the 90s. That's when they apparently allowed a Peruvian Congressman to launder cocaine money through their church. When he was caught he turned states' evidence against the foreigners, and they were fired from their church and the Peruvian government deported them.

Once deported back to the States, I've mentioned here that the scandal's negative attention got them also fired from the denomination they had served dating all the way back to the 1950s. My father went from being an orator to being unable to speak, so he mowed lawns for the rest of his life. He was so non-functioning my mother had to pull the bed covers down for him at night or he didn't know how to go to bed and go to sleep.

As I felt compassion for him, I also remembered his many suicide attempts. They didn't involve him alone; he wanted our whole family to be martyrs for the cause as a missionary family. When I was in elementary school, he took the family to where missionary Nate Saint (unfortunate name) was martyred in Ecuador to show us the future he and my mom had in mind for us. Then he drove us into a combat zone deliberately and our car got hit by a Molotov cocktail. Problem was, the fire went out before killing us all. He drove our car into a flooded river and we got swept away. Problem was, local farmers saved us. And so on.

I've written here that ultimately when we had all survived to the point that I was in high school, he bought a shotgun and put it in my room, with ammo, and put bars on the windows. That way when he beat me in my room, I had no option of flight, only to fight, and I would shoot him, satisfying his death wish.

That's when, as I've said, I ran away from home just 4 months shy of my high school IB exams. It wrecked my college entrance plans, so when I got here to the States I couldn't go to college full time right away. I had to work a couple of years full time at Virginia Commonwealth University by day, and use my job benefits to take 2 classes per semester in night school. The first subject I took was Philosophy, what I teach now. :-)

I re-tell my story here again so my DS PTSD friends who may not remember will be reminded that it's not that I don't lack compassion for anyone who attempts to take their life. It's that I am 59--about to turn 60 on July 1st--and I've got a long history with attempts into which my parents tried to involved us kids many times in dangerous war zones overseas. As I've said here before, the car bombing at age 9 that my dad drove our family into deliberately alone left a permanent crease on the back of my skull from when my head snapped back and hit the inside metal frame of the car in the bomb's blast.

I thought of musician Scott Hutchison as someone I could look up to in a way I never had anyone to look up to for safety growing up. As I said, with album titles like Painting of a Panic Attack, he seemed not only to have moved beyond a death wish, but he seemed able even to turn back around and address PTSD like mine directly.

I guess we mock the reaper at our own peril. I'm quite frightened. I'm still home today with a fever and an upset stomach, unable to go out or eat all day.