Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Yesterday, I went to the Bronx D.A.'s office to speak and meet up with my lawyer. The first thing he asked was "tell me about what happened".
I can not keep repeating myself about what happened. I don't think I can keep repeating or regurgitate my life stories. I f-ing hate how I feel.
I am depleted. Worn out. Tired. Exhausted and tired of saying the same thing over and over again. Is this how I will be able to live my life again by constantly relinquishing every trauma and passing it on as story? Is this how I will be able to live once again with true purpose and meaning?
I slammed my pillow on the bed a dew times, same to the cell. I can not believe I had to relive those moments. Not just what happened recently, but before also with my brother's nasty record history.I feel like I told my lifeline story to my attorney.
Gosh, The one thing I know I wish I could do I can't because I can't allow myself to become like him. Destruction. Someone mentioned how they can keep their rage under control and not have the world blow up- I get it now.
I can not keep repeating myself about what happened. I don't think I can keep repeating or regurgitate my life stories. I f-ing hate how I feel.
I am depleted. Worn out. Tired. Exhausted and tired of saying the same thing over and over again. Is this how I will be able to live my life again by constantly relinquishing every trauma and passing it on as story? Is this how I will be able to live once again with true purpose and meaning?
I slammed my pillow on the bed a dew times, same to the cell. I can not believe I had to relive those moments. Not just what happened recently, but before also with my brother's nasty record history.I feel like I told my lifeline story to my attorney.
Gosh, The one thing I know I wish I could do I can't because I can't allow myself to become like him. Destruction. Someone mentioned how they can keep their rage under control and not have the world blow up- I get it now.
The only thing I can offer at the moment is my one happy story from the legal system. I divorced my ex-spouse in 2000 after she abused me, too. (I know, a big strong guy let a woman abuse him--I know. I had to learn the hard way to have boundaries for myself). Anyway, in court in front of the judge, she decided to act out on me and throw a rage-filled nutty right there. Fortunately, I didn't rise to the bait because: (ready? are you really ready?)
(true story, swear to God) the judge had her ejected from the courtroom by the bailiff. And her obnoxious attorney with her.
And, best of all, it was the last time I ever saw her, 12 years ago. Sometimes, just sometimes, once in a million times, the absurd legal system accidentally rewards self-control and restraint on our part. Sweet.
I wish such luck for you. I know not to promise it to anyone, believe me. In the meantime, I hope you have to repeat yourself & relive all of this as little as possible. Blessings, Kat. --Mujica
My experience has been that legal processes require lots of retelling. If someone who has been assaulted doesn't have PTSD when they start seeking justice, there is an increased probability they will have PTSD by the time the legal fight has run its course. That is exactly what happened to me.
But, but , but at the end of the process there may be some justice and also there is a sense of strength that grows from fighting for yourself in that bloodless forum. It taught me how to be a (non-violent) warrior, when I had always before cowered. Even as the trauma was getting ground into my nervous system by all the retelling and reliving and hiding from the press etc, I earned my survivor status. And when the process was done, I was able to begin the process of reclaiming the life I wanted to live.
So Kat, I understand how horrific that system can be for the defendant. But no matter the legal outcome, it is fairly certain you will be a stronger, much less confused you by the time you have seen this through. You will emerge from this.
I send you calmness and strength.
Hugs, letitbe
Looking back through posts, it's clear to me that there is much more to you than rage.
I'm outraged at the notion that this kind of treatment of you seems to be the cost of finding justice. It makes no sense, even though it's a story told time and time again here. Many have said that this seems to be the only crime where the target of the crime feels as though it is she/he who is on trial rather than the purpetrator. It makes me crazy, and I wish for a better answer to that for you and everyone else who has had to deal with it.
The rage makes sense.
I can tell from what you have told about you, as well as how you respond to others here, that there is much more to you than rage.
Wishing you some immediate peace or reprieve. Wishing you an eventual resolution where you won't need to feel the way you do now.