Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I could use some sort space and support. Today is my birthday and I should be happy but I can't.
This day officially marks my five days post-cancer, which should mean I can rejoice because it's officially in remission and "beaten." I had been talking about having a huge party to celebrate my beating it, and over the last few years set aside a ton of ideas.
Instead I am at home, sitting in the dark, trying not to stress out of my mind. I am on a restricted food diet because I have to go to the hospital Tuesday. My doctor is concerned that I am bleeding internally (possibly as a side effect to the medication I am on), and doesn't want to out rule the possibility my cancer could be back. They weren't able to remove 100% off the mass five years ago, but it was all declared dead. I know too well that all it would take is ONE cell to not have died for it to come back, but I stopped having those nightmares years ago.
I am not even 30 yet and feel like this can't be happening. I was SO CLOSE to being on the other side of this; the thought of cancer sneaking up again is just unfair. Haven't I paid my dues? If there really is a "just" God then how can all of this be happening?! I paid for my childhood with blood, sweat, and tears. I'm not ready to lose my adult life to it too. :-\
I know I shouldn't stress because it could be any of a few things that are non-cancerous, but something is seriously wrong no matter what title it takes. Because it could be cancer, and the cancer almost killed me the first time, it's the one that is circling my head the most.
If you could pray for me that it's not cancer, I'd appreciate it. I don't know if any of you have words of wisdom on this front but I could use them. :(
This day officially marks my five days post-cancer, which should mean I can rejoice because it's officially in remission and "beaten." I had been talking about having a huge party to celebrate my beating it, and over the last few years set aside a ton of ideas.
Instead I am at home, sitting in the dark, trying not to stress out of my mind. I am on a restricted food diet because I have to go to the hospital Tuesday. My doctor is concerned that I am bleeding internally (possibly as a side effect to the medication I am on), and doesn't want to out rule the possibility my cancer could be back. They weren't able to remove 100% off the mass five years ago, but it was all declared dead. I know too well that all it would take is ONE cell to not have died for it to come back, but I stopped having those nightmares years ago.
I am not even 30 yet and feel like this can't be happening. I was SO CLOSE to being on the other side of this; the thought of cancer sneaking up again is just unfair. Haven't I paid my dues? If there really is a "just" God then how can all of this be happening?! I paid for my childhood with blood, sweat, and tears. I'm not ready to lose my adult life to it too. :-\
I know I shouldn't stress because it could be any of a few things that are non-cancerous, but something is seriously wrong no matter what title it takes. Because it could be cancer, and the cancer almost killed me the first time, it's the one that is circling my head the most.
If you could pray for me that it's not cancer, I'd appreciate it. I don't know if any of you have words of wisdom on this front but I could use them. :(
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I'm feeling down,, and got alot on my mind right now. I got grief going on, on top my depression and anxiety and now I got to worry about somewhere to live since I can't afford living here since my mom passed. So many bad things have happened since my mom passed. One thing after another it seems. Yesterday our fence fell from a storm that hit, had to call someone to prop it up. Thank...
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Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
I think it hit me hard yesterday though because my daughter wanted to make me breakfast-in-bed (she's seven). I explained to her what I could and could not eat (and showed her the list). When she asked me what was wrong I told her that my stomach was a little broken but that it'd be okay.
My child is as sharp as a tack and immediately asked me if it was the same thing as when I had cancer. I explained it shouldn't be and then she asked if the hospital had to put me to sleep. When I said yes, she told me she was worried I wouldn't wake up again. When I had surgery to remove the cancer I flat-lined on the table several times and was gone for almost 12 hours before I came back to consciousness (with a procedure that was only supposed to be 45 minutes).
It broke my heart because I want to protect her from the world but I can't. So, instead of breakfast she decided to make me a card so I would remember that she loves me and she drew some games on the back of it and made me promise I'd come back to her so we can play them.
Some birthday indeed. She has school today though to help keep her occupied, and it means I can sleep (and try to conserve energy for when she comes home). My health is a mess; my physical health makes my PTSD look tame and I'm not sure how to feel about that. :P