An update for anyone who cares.....

Work: I don’t hear humor very well. People joke about work related tasks and I act but they’re joking or I’m just confused bc it doesn’t make sense. That’s hard. TW I don’t hear humor because things similar to what my brother did, he also made inappropriate jokes about to my friends who didn’t know he’d crossed boundaries like that. Either way the jokes would’ve been confusing and awkward and that’s probably why my friends laughed but still they laughed while he was speaking truth but saying I liked certain things.... I didn’t know what to say. Stood up to him one night when he’d done those things and went to the ER, I was just paralyzed when he joked about it - maybe my first PTSD symptoms? I was about 12 when those jokes started. I have always had trouble hearing sarcasm and other types of jokes. If there could be an element of truth in there I hear the truth.

Family: brother wrote my parents a letter. They stood in the kitchen looking really intense while reading it and I avoided them. I don’t want to deal with that right now. My decisions are my decisions. I’m also just a coward. I wish there was a place where I could just exist and not be confused or questioned, just accepted...so ready to have my own place and so completely unready

Self: I struggle most with self care because there doesn’t seem to be a place for it. That’s a big stinky excuse but it’s also truth. How can I rest here when I am so anxious? Everything I do or don’t do is questioned. My entire life under a microscope. I can’t even do my own laundry some times. I’m listening to scripture now. It’s comforting. I don’t run, play piano, draw or do anything for myself. I hardly even do laundry bc there’s no desser. My parents bought us one but I don’t want to make myself st home. It means moving their lives around and it seems like by the time I do, I’ll be leaving. I actually do have an opportunity to join a single moms program that would help cover rent for a year and it would come with a mentor ship and financial planner. It’s an amazing opportunity through an organization that’s very well known/supported by my church and other Baptist organizations throughout he state. So we could be moving soon. I have no idea what that looks like yet. I’m a candidate and I’ve turned in my application. Waiting to hear back. 

I cried at church Sunday when my pastor asked how my holidays were. I said strange and a whole river of tears poured out. My friend was there, thankfully. Super awkward. I love her. 

Husband has stopped giving money and won’t face time the kids or consider meeting us somewhere public to spend time with them. But he’s content to say I am keeping them from him. Despite the fact that he can’t make me comfortable leaving them...doesn’t respond or give stories that make sense if they have bruises. Bruises are normal but if it’s a head bruise or a busted lip I want an explanation - did they hit their head, how hard and how much longer should I be watching for signs of concussion? What did she eat that she’s having a reaction, give me everything since we aren’t sure of all her allergies and he says oh maybe the bread he gave her was new and I have to hassle him for an ingredients list that once I get it can see it contains soy....who are Steve and Marcy that you’re going to their house on Xmas eve? Nothing. Not a thing. Who are these people and is it the Steve that was selling you drugs? No answer.....all this going on and he was wanting more time with them. I’m blessed to live somewhere where legally it’s okay that I say not until we see a judge.....

but now I’m paying for his car insurance, all the meds, all the pull-ups, all the wipes, all the everything. And my kids miss their dad. 

So im anxious. I have $20 until Tuesday. I’m going to sell my guitar to pay for daycare. I’m going to close my credit car accounts even though it will give him reason to say he’s not going to pay and legally having changed the debt by closing the accounts, I will become solely responsible for the bills should he contest them. It was always my decision to listen to him and just put groceries or medical bills or diapers on the card. I could have refused and just made him come up with the money or made him let me work but I didn’t so if I have to be responsible for that decision that’s okay. I see now that I did have a choice. I was just intimidated by him.

 I’m a mess. Just getting through the day but I think I’ve really been present for a lot of the week. That’s cool.