Well, I manage fine for a while. And then I see my family too much or something happens. I stop eating again. Stop drinking water. Having nightmares. My thought patterns break me down until I have an episode.

Laying down repeating "I hate myself" and wishing something would take me out already. My boyfriend told me he's gunna blow his head off in the middle of an argument. I feel like a complete monster-a broken, dysfunctional human being. There's so much wrong with me and I don't know how to fix any of it.

I feel so much guilt for being a burden. It makes me want to isolate myself and the suicidal thoughts run in circles. I know I'll get up tomorrow and fake being fine all over again. When I really wish I could wipe my existence off the planet, and erase every memory someone has of me as if I never existed. So all of the pain I've caused could be wiped away with me.

I'm just so tired of being this way and living this way. I hate myself for it. Every time I think I'm getting better, I fuck it all up again. Everything I've ever thought about myself being "strong" and "resilient" feels like bullshit. People tell me to talk to someone again. 3 years of therapy helped but didn't cure my fucked up brain. 

I used to wish someone would understand me. But it doesn't fix my abusive tendencies. So why do I care about being understood. Why I am the way I am doesn't matter. And I'm so sick of myself I'm feeling hopeless again. All I'm doing even posting on here is spreading more negativity and it's not helping the actual problem at all. I feel like a complete imposter in my life. Where is the reset button.