lol i dealt with this in my healer initiation hahaha talk about an eye opener. forced me to suck it up and swallow my pride and ego and realize its not about me it's about them. the part where it effects me is me trying to validate past hurts and scars and PROVE that i'm worth something in this world. but when i came face to face with what it means to truly Help/Heal another the only way to do that it by Healing and Helping myself. now one of my greatest quotes is "NEVER trust anyone who has not passed through the fire themselves." secondly no matter how many good intentions i have if a person's not ready they're just not ready. a little bit of wisdom that saved me was "a person may need to hear it 10 times to get it to sink in. you might be #9" lastly i was told everyday that anything and everything was MY fault. if it the weather was not "correct" it was my fault- you get the picture. took me years (still have some trouble with it) but i am now more able to realize i am not the worlds scapegoat. it is NOT my JOB to fix everybody else. i am at MY leisure to decide to help or not. and i am ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ME! (which is especially important being a multiple individual community)

anyway those beist my thoughts

It brings to mind the risk being helpful involves. A lot of people walk on by a bad situation because if you do nothing at least you won't make it worse. To get involved is to risk making a mistake.

It takes a lot of faith to try to help knowing it could go wrong. Not just faith in God or faith in a spiritual sense, but faith in victims we reach out to as well. Faith in their understanding and forgiving us if we fail, faith on our part that they want to get well and will help us help them.

Oddly, helping is not controlling. Really trying to help humbles a person about how much they control the outcome.

I had to meditate on these thoughts every day when I was an ER hospital chaplain. Getting involved has its risks. We have to have self awareness constantly, of our care, our limitations, our intentions. And then do the best we can, but DO something.

The parable of the Good Samaritan comes to mind. Samaritans were despised in Israel at the time the parable was told. They were Jews who had not been caught up in the 2nd exile of Israel in Babylon. So they were considered people who didn't know how their own people in general had suffered.

Yet this unworthy person is the symbol of helping when others would not. Interesting. Reminds me of us here at DS PTSD. We are broken, barely hanging on to our own derrieres at times. Yet I find the most helpful people I've ever met right here. Good and Samaritan at the same time.

i forgot to add..... now as an adult and healing force i can help others the way i choose depending on the need shown to me whether a listening ear, a few bucks to a local charity, or sharing my hospitality and life lessons. and that is so fulfilling. its payed me back so many times over because it was my choice even if the receiving party never knew the intention behind it or even appreciated it. the whole being #9 thing really did change my whole view on things.

unfortunately muji, my outreaching has been jaded by one too many in over my head situations where i let my victims heart get me into unsavory situations. i am much more cautious reading situations now days.

great question arfie and great responses. and there is truth in all of it.

the last time I was homeless, the counselor who was helping me into dependable housing, recommended I participate in a program at the homeless shelter. it was for people with drug and alcohol addictions.

it was a faith based program but medical science was a part of the program. she said it was good for any type of addiction such as anger. yes, to my surprise anger can become an addicition, it mimics cocaine In how it affects the brain.

and the way I figured it, I will take any and all chemotherapy treatments for PTSD.

but just as importantly it gave me the opportunity to observe and learn. black and white became a 1000 grays.

first, the success rate was terrible. really bad. out the many many who took the program most failed. it was like going navy seals training week. maybe 20 graduates a year was great. and of those some returned.

the greatest commonality for those who made it? the ability to feel empathy, to have an emotional life that was not only self but also capable of looking outward.

the causes for not being able to have an emotional life? are quite varied.

wow. it was just crazy. there people who were drug users and sex users. they went to churches and did their help me / woe is me. and it worked! one notorious got a car and money ! that was his welfare system.

who was at fault ? no one. it just is.

the road to hell is not paved with good intentions. its paved with hate, ignorance, an inability to see outwards and ........the inability to love others enough to feel compelled to at least pray for them.

In my own journey, I think validation and control are my greatest obstacles to being helpful. I am meticulous by nature. My meticulous nature pre-disposes me to control. Every detail counts. Good stuff when I am tearing down and rebuilding an engine. Not so good when tearing down human dysfunctions.

Validation is even tougher. 100% of my self image was developed in a clan of warring ideologies. Every ism in my family tree (we might have them all) is out to invalidate the others. End result, collectively we can and bash a child's faith in any thought or feeling they make the mistake of sharing.

Any time I think I am being helpful, I check myself to be certain I am placing helpfulness over righteousness. Action over words.

A lot of good "Truths" here.
I also have a tendency to follow my feelings and end up tossed around in the pain of others. My empathic self leads, I follow, not always wary of to where, until too late.
I know this, but still end up down the path quite a way's before I realize I need to pull back, to save myself. If those that are in turmoil can't reach out when a hand is extended. My heart follows right into the riptide.
It is the part of me that I could not live without, but could also take me out.

Now that I am making steps for me(alone now) I have to be very aware, since John is not here to guide me out anymore.

I come from a background in which I was taught that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. Needing help was a sign of failure, helping others was enabling and and soft. Tough love was what was needed. Any other kind of love spoiled people.

My family was more prone to abuse than to nurture, need less to say.

Trying something different was really liberating for me.

I get as much from helping somebody as they get from me. In fact, I imagine I get even more. It helps me move out of myself and chasing my own tail as can happen as my PTSD symptoms absorb my attention.

yah, i think we have all been down the give too much, give too little and don't give anything path.

that boot strap theory is one alot of so called 'therapist and dr. and others in our life have when they hear just a little bit about our woes.

we here have our coping skills destroyed or negated by our backgrounds.

and when i first started trying to get help from religious types the famous " put it in God's hands" became a repeat offender. nope, i don't need to just pray about it. i need to talk about and get humane feedback.

Amen to that!