It sounds like your anger is derived from your daughter's behavior. The question is..where is hers coming from? It seems, from what I've read, to be very deep rooted.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I'm sorry you lost control. All you can do is apologize for your behavior, and continue to stand firm in your boundaries where hers is concerned. I believe I read that she's 19? If so, she's an adult now, and her actions should be even less tolerable under your roof.

You love her. You're sorry. But she can't behave that way in your house anymore.

It's just a perspective with very limited insight. Sending you some peace.

I'm posting my comment here, if you don't mind.

I think you both have anger issues. That's a statement, not a judgment, okay?

I think the best thing you could do for both you and her is to show her that certain things in life just are not tolerable. Sit her down with a typed piece of paper that is your lease. List your rules and charge her rent, even if it's a little bit. Does she work? If so, make it 1/4 of what she makes in a month. Charge her utilities. If she does not work, why? Is she in school bettering herself? If not, make her get a job. Give her the end of the week to get one, even if it's at Walmart or KFC.

Then, if she breaks your "lease," evict her. That's what happens in the real world. A landlord wouldn't tolerate damaging property. And they wouldn't stand for her lip. And you're NOT a landlord; you're her mother.

If the whole scene escalates, stay calm and have a plan to deescalate. If it means having to call the police to intervene, so be it. She's GOT to learn to regulate her emotions, as it seems she's never learned. You're not doing her any favors by allowing her to do this for one more day.

Say that nobody deserves to be hit. BUT that's what happens sometimes. What if she pulled this stuff with someone who's not family. A whack with a plastic hanger is NOTHING!!! She'd either be in the hospital or jail by now if this was a roommate or boyfriend.

Keep us in the loop.

Good luck!

Thanks for the responses here and in the journal comments.

I am so close to the situation that I can't see the forest for the trees. I think we both need to work on communication...I can see that now. My therapist has suggested family therapy and at first I said no. I said no because I was still too pissed off to be in the same room and I resent that it even has come to this. The last 2 years of her high school I was taking time off from work every week to take her to psych appointments. Getting phone calls several times a week from teachers and principal...etc. I am feeling like ...screw that I want my life back.

DeliAnnem....I would give the same advice to someone else. It makes total sense. Here in New York ( probably other states too) I can't evict her until she is 21. Sure she is a legal adult at 18 but she is my financial responsibility until 21. In order to force her out I need a restraining order and for her to be emancipated from me. If I could get her out the minute she applied for food stamps etc the state would come after me for the money. I would have to pay her rent/food/medical.

I am reconsidering the family therapy but still thinking that it will be back to every week counseling and co pays and all she needs to do is pick up the effing mess.

Argh!

I'm in PA. I didn't know the rules.

Any chance she doesn't know this and you can bluff her? OR, tell her that this is what you FEEL like doing and WILL do when she's 21, so she better take the next two years to learn how to behave and start saving up money for rent, because the free ride's about to end.

Oh dear, this living arrangement is not working out at all.
Its your home, and she is a guest there. When I was her age I had a job and my own apartment. She can do likewise. If she can't afford an apartment on her own, she can share with room mates. You need your own space, this is not good for either of you.

For your perusal: http://deltabravo.net/cms/plugins/content/content.php?content.190

I am a mom of a 25 year old daughter and 28 year old son.
So I have had similar situations where I could not get them to do to anything.
It's ridiculous that you can't kick her out.
I've kicked both of mine out more than once.
Is there someone else she could stay with for a little while to give both of you a break?
I think you have to go to family therapy. I don't see any other way for possible resolution.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything because I am just as guilty as anyone. But I think that it doesn't make sense that you're getting angry with her for behaving exactly the way you do. You have set the tone of your relationship with her. If you want that to change, you have to be the one to change first. Her brain is not even fully developed yet. Recent studies by brain researchers have shown that the powers of decision making, especially under stress, are not fully mature in most people until the mid 20s. This is why car insurance is so high before age 25.
I think you both are really on the same side. There has to be a way to compromise and prevent things from escalating.
Best of luck to you CecilBGreen. There is nothing in the world harder than being a mom. And nothing in the world more worth it.
*hugs*

Sounds like you need to make her want to leave of her own accord: http://rochesterfamilylawyer.korotkinlaw.com/2009/01/26/child-support-abandonment-and-constructive-emancipation-of-a-child/

Then you will be off the hook.
You need your own space, she is an adult who is capable of putting a roof over her own head. Its only this generation that chooses to live in mummy's basement until age 40...

Wait a minute... the issue isn't grown children living with their parents! It's the behavior.

MANY other cultures in the world have it that until you get married, you live at home. If that means until 30, so be it. And many times, the young marrieds STILL live with one of the parents! It's called an extended family, and it's lovely... IF There's no dysfunction.

The need to be independent is engrained in our culture. It doesn't have to be that way. But those other countries know what it means to have individual accountability and respect to family. Many times, they send money back to the parents once they finally move out. So don't knock kids staying at home! Knock the awful treatment.

Sorry. Just had to put that out there.

You are talking about interdependence, not dependence. In *those* ancient cultures, all family members have an established role to play. Its tradition. And people don't whine about their role, they accept it as a given. It has its positives and negatives, as these cultures are very patriarchial in nature. We in the West don't live in such a society anymore and haven't since the middle of the last century.This is alien to us now.

And yes, I fully agree, its the lack of respect that is at issue.

I appreciate the responses both here and in the journal comment section.
Of course none of you can know the "whole" story because you don't live with us so it was (in hindsight) silly to ask opinions. I'm not sure if I needed to vent or assuage my guilt or a little of both...maybe even get a little sympathy.

Like I said she has always been difficult and I have my moments as well.

I do agree it is a matter of respect. I want her to have the chance to work and go to college without worrying about paying rent. I want her to know she has a safety net right now as she moves towards independence. What i don't want is her to take a proverbial crap on me.
A couple of years back the big fight was her leaving USED feminine hygiene products on the floor. I just don't know what to say about that....

I spent her last couple of years in high school taking time off from work to run her to the psych appointments and fielding calls from the school. She still ended up dropping out mid way through her senior year. Then she spent another year refusing to work unless I or her dad bought her a car. No...she did not win that battle...

I'm just tired of ridiculous power struggles over everything. Sure I can choose not to engage. I can work all day then come home and clean all night or I can ignore the food on the floor and god knows what encrusted on the furniture and mold growing on the dishes ( the smell gets bad tho).

I ended up cleaning the living room that night. Today there dirty clothes on the floor 6 or seven soda cans/bottles strewn about , food left spoiling on the kitchen counter (lettuce had bugs crawling in it) and the litter box needs cleaning.

I already took care of the rotting food and will do the dishes and pick up the living room cause telling her to do it is useless and don't have the energy to fight.

I sound like a martyr. I hate the way this makes me feel.

I am open to family counseling but kinda resent needing to do that. I am in therapy (3 months now) for my own issues and this just seems overwhelming to me.

I'm really very sorry you are going through this. You have a lot on your plate, poor thing.

WetNoodle...thanks for the links. I struggle to find the info I need. I am going to look into whether or not her name should be on the lease. I need a back up plan for when she is 21. If I move and leave her behind and she leaves a mess....

I don't even want to think about it.

If she is not on the lease keep it that way, then you could move to a one bedroom, for your self, She would if she can afford it sign a lease in her own name, there by being responsible for her own place, in all matters. I understand you still wanting the ability to offer her assistance so she can hit the ground running at 21 one. But your well being is important too. You cannot help her if you have a stress breakdown.

I really hope you can get on a good track with her, since it will help you both. Vent all you need.