I haven’t posted a discussion in a long time. I tend not to understand some responses and I get frustrated, feeling like some of you just think I’m stupid or that I don’t belong here. But I’m a mess tonight. I’m not sleeping well. I’m wanting to pull out of everything. I won’t. I know that’s the worst possible thing I could do. I see the people in my life and I know God has them here for a reason but giving them advice means telling them I’ve been through things I don’t want to tell them. Today’s example was for a friends mom. She felt the need to help in a much bigger way than she needs to and she doesn’t understand what her mom is going through so I offered some items for her to read and a phone number for her to call for solid advice. She said that was such helpful information and thanked me repeatedly for reaching out. I didn’t tel her anything personal. I asked her not to tell anyone she got the information from me and I’m sure she won’t. But I’m not ok. Now she knows I know something of this personally.

Ive continuously asked for prayer in life group for my anxiety. I feel ashamed to admit that I have so much anxiety and about cried this morning explaining that I think I need medication- but that I’m legitimately anxious about taking medication bc half of what I’ve been prescribed for anything has had me in the ER for a reaction....I hate medication. What I didn’t explain is that I have to ask my husband for money for a doctors appointment and that I probably won’t get it....tax return comes back soon though. Some of that should go to me. But every year it tends to disappear quickly. We get 4x ad much this year. I might lose it if that happens..... 

I also get a commission check soon. A big chunk of money. He knows it’s coming. He takes money I make. He always has. It goes toward bills, gas, food, etc. I’ve been paying the bills this year but he controls what money goes into that account. I know he’s going to want my money in that account because he puts money in that account and don’t I owe him? But my counselor says why would I do that? He deposits money into his account and transfers only what’s necessary to pay bills. He tells me we don’t have money for things like childcare, appointments, etc. He could be telling the truth. Except I know he’s not. There have been too many coincidences. He never says he doesn’t have money when we need milk for the baby or diapers and he often brings home $50 worth of groceries we don’t need after telling me we don’t have money. This week he told me he transferred every dime he has ($10) after seeing what what was in my accounts and asking me to empty them. The next day he had cash for milk. After that he had cash for something from Home Depot. Then he had money for new shorts. Money was supposed to be so tight and when I offered to wash his “only pair” of shorts every day until the next paycheck he said that was ridiculous, that he’d just buy some. And he has more than one pair of shorts. He also has pants he could wear to work.

He makes me feel ungrateful for not trusting him, naive for trusting him, and just plain confused.

I can’t make any decisions.

I can’t trust my own thoughts.

I can’t trust my own thoughts.

Thats the biggest problem. That I can’t trust my own thoughts. Stand up for myself. That feels wrong. Realize he’s bullying me and trying to stress me out just because he can and talk him out of his nonsense calmly. That feels wrong - even days later when it’s clear he was lying. It feels wrong. Giving in, like agreeing to empty my accounts - without asking to see his just to avoid a fight, because I know he won’t show me - that feels wrong. Everything I do feels wrong. 

What I don’t need is marriage advice. What I don’t need right now is to be told to leave. That’s not an option, even with help - emotionally it’s just not an option. I understand that much more is going on here and that this is not right but it doesn’t make it easy to admit or acknowledge that it’s all his problem. It can’t be all his problem. “It takes two to tango.” He’s agreed to counseling. We have a child together. And I have no money. I know that’s part of his plan. I know he’s cruel. I know he’s scary. But he’s never hit me and hasn’t held me against my will in a very long time. He’s done listening to me calmly and fiercely tell him that’s not ok. I’m safe. I’m just an emotional wreck. That’s not enough to make me leave. Our families are intertwined and everyone loves both of us. What I don’t need is you to tell me this is just a marriage spat and make light of the situation. I know it’s my own fault and my own decision that I’m still here, that I married him, that I feel trapped. I know I could leave, but I’m not going to. Not right now. It’s not unsafe it’s just not right. It’s just hard. All I need from you is just to know you’re here. That’s it. If you have something callous to say please message it to someone else. I don’t mind being gossiped about. Just don’t say it to me. I’m just venting, wanting someone else to tell me it’s ok to breathe, wanting to be encouraged not to become a hermit crab, wanting to be told that this is an okay decision. 

Funny how I’m so anxious about all this tonight when I thought so much about my past today. I’m sure it’s related somehow. It’s been a hard day.