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Yesterday and today I have been having angry episodes. Last night and all day today I have been feeling angry and finding myself in that place where I feel on edge.
Not surprisingly. Yesterday I spent the afternoon with one of my brothers. He an I are cool, but he always talk about the rest of the family, many of which I don't talk to. Also, he's constantly on the darn Facebook, looking and finding people we grew up with, people I don't give a crap about.
There's a reason why it's been decades since I heard some of those names and heard anything about them. My brother just doesn't get it. It's difficult for me to put a limit as to what he wants to share, and it doesn't feel right for me to try to regulate what he wants to talk about. I think it's me who has to deal with the issue I have, not making it his issue.
So there are a number of people in my past that I really want and need them to stay there. There are way too many painful events, bad, bad people that caused so much harm to ma and others. Hence, today's episodes and angry thoughts. I love my bro, but it's difficult for me to hear him so enthusiastic about "who I just found about on Facebook" while I feel the memories and the feelings crawling up in my body.
Not surprisingly. Yesterday I spent the afternoon with one of my brothers. He an I are cool, but he always talk about the rest of the family, many of which I don't talk to. Also, he's constantly on the darn Facebook, looking and finding people we grew up with, people I don't give a crap about.
There's a reason why it's been decades since I heard some of those names and heard anything about them. My brother just doesn't get it. It's difficult for me to put a limit as to what he wants to share, and it doesn't feel right for me to try to regulate what he wants to talk about. I think it's me who has to deal with the issue I have, not making it his issue.
So there are a number of people in my past that I really want and need them to stay there. There are way too many painful events, bad, bad people that caused so much harm to ma and others. Hence, today's episodes and angry thoughts. I love my bro, but it's difficult for me to hear him so enthusiastic about "who I just found about on Facebook" while I feel the memories and the feelings crawling up in my body.
I don't think he understands you nor it seems that he would try to. I think we keep some of these memories suppressed, not wanting to feel the pain. That's where our disassociation, if that's how it's spelled, comes and we confuse our reality with our known realities, hence the separation from those around us. I think that explains my episodes, not realizing it until now.
Highly sensitive, we are - truly. Not in a dramatic, I'm so special, or I'm so needy way . . . but, gentle and calm needs to be the primary tone as we recover and for those who cannot honor that need, limited time can be spent with them, if any time at all.
I've learned from experience to listen to instincts and not to worry about getting them validated by family members especially. If it's bothering to you then it's bothering and it wouldn't matter if the whole world didn't get it.
Take care of you.
By reminding myself (and sometimes them) that they are just not thinking when they address certain stuff w/ me (or they question my need to avoid X or Y), it is easier for me to preserve those relationships.
If someone were to be doing this in a mean spirited way then, yes, they would be excommunicated from my existence... have had to do this a few times. But if I want understanding, I have to be willing to give it.
Same ending. I learned that there's so much untreated PTSD in my family if it were energy you could power an aircraft carrier with it. Being out of range of that chaotic, unprocessed collective family dysfunctional rage is best for me. No matter how much I heal as an individual, I'm just one person.
It's a healthy choice. I say follow your gut and don't feel guilty for your own healthy choice, whatever that may be for you.