Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I am dating a man who participated in 2 lengthy tours in Iraq. We are in a long distance relationship - long story, met through his brother (an old friend). He is a wonderful man - at least that is who was presented to me and who I ultimately fell in love with. We talked on the phone and text constantly since March and have seen each other 4 times since mid-July. One of our visits was meeting in Boston where I met his family.We are crazy about each other. He says he can talk to me about things he has never been able to talk to anyone about including details about things he did and saw in Iraq. Anyway - I went to his home for the first time 2 weeks ago. I stayed the weekend with him. I met many of his friends. People said he was diff around me - in a good way. We had fun as always. Nothing bad happened - except for a few dreams in the night which I had become accustomed to. When he took me to the airport we said our goodbyes and he assured me he would see me in a few weeks. However - starting shortly after I left the communication between us got weird. When I called him he was extremely stressed and agitated. I still tried to keep our normal communication lines open but it became weird. Finally on Wednesday night (after leaving Sunday) I got drunken phone calls and text calling me nasty names and just being ugly. I let it go as he was drunk and waited until later the next day when i asked him to call me. He replied and said he was angry at me for not being there and he had to think about all this, it was just too much right now. I said ok - let me know when u r ready to talk. Left him alone and received a text a few days later basically saying he loves me and misses me but this wasn't going to work because I could not be there with him or he could not be here with me right now. Keep in mind these are all things we had talked about. I have actually been the one telling him to slow down as he was rushing things - telling me I am his, asking if I had written his last name as mine, asking if he was the one, asking me to marry him, etc. I received another text the next night saying he loves me and wants to figure this out. He doesn't want to be without me but also doesn't want to live without me. I did not see the text until the next morning along with several others showing his irritation that I had not responded yet. So here we are 2 weeks later. I asked to speak with him last week and he told me he was tied up with clients and would call me the next night. He did not call. Keep in mind I have given him the space he asked for. I only responded to the couple messages he sent. Then the day he did not call as promised I sent a text in jist asking him to help me understand because i am confused and feeling discarded. He responded several hours later saying I was not being discarded he was trying to wrap his head around this and was not ready to talk about it yet. He wanted the weekend (his bday) to relax. Our pics are still up on FB and his bro (my friend) had no clue what was going down. Can y'all help me out here? I am the first to blame something on myself but I know this is not me. Words of wisdom from someone in his shoes? Thank u so much.
Long distance relationships are hard no matter what. When you involve someone with PTSD, that adds a whole new dimension of heck to it.
From what I am seeing here - he had a trigger just after you left... and you leaving could very well have been the trigger. Most of us have abandonment issues. His anger with you because you were not there, could be part abandonment issue and or a want for someone to help through a bad time.
Also realize that you have not known him long enough to know if this is normal or not. It takes years to fully know someone.
My opinion... take it slow. Offer support, but do not take abuse EVER. Let him know that drunk calling you and anger texting you stops NOW. You are not helping him letting him do that, and you are damaging yourself. He can contact you when he has something nice to say - or he can keep it to himself.
hugs - keep yourself safe
yadlim the stressed
So I am coming at this from a long-established relationship.
Yadim above had good advice, but here's the thing: Is he in treatment for PTSD? What kind? How consistent?
Abandonment isn't our only issue. So is Attachment (the flip side of abandonment). Making new ones, losing old ones, it's all difficult--- and so are changes in those status.
Meanwhile, from my POV? If he's resorting to drink and anger? No deal. Love is nothing if you can't feel *safe*. I am always safe with m y hubby, and knew it the second we met when I was all of 18. I knew: This is a safe person to be near. (I have excellent radar for "not safe").
Another problem I can sorta kinda see? Besides Attachment/Abandonment and Anger? Fixation. Going to that whole marriage-last name thing? Warning sign to me that he's built an idealized You and a Happy Ever After before you have any Get to Know Before.
I knew Hubby 2 1/2 years before we dated, and nearly 4 before we married, sooo.... while we've had a few bouts of Not Great? Knowing who someone is via phone is *not* knowing how they treat girlfriends, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc.... And that's all a lot more indicative of character and their issues than FB or so on.
Go with caution, and make it clear that you also want space to wrap your head around the fact he's reacted so negatively toward you.
Supportive vibes,
Leo
anyway getting too deep. hope it helps.
First of all always be very cautious if somebody drinks, then does all of that because they are very very unstable. I'm a bit worried about you right now. Keep yourself strong. It is very hard to see actually what is going on, when you are in midst of the storm happening. I've been sober and clean for 9 years. If he has alcohol issues and that messed up, I would think twice about even getting further involved.
Just hold your ground as best as you can and be very cautious with him. He may have like other issues besides what you even know like bipolar, or anything so be careful. You back away if you see red flags
He's got a whole bunch of issues. I'd hate to see you get hurt.
I'm partial because of being recovering alcoholic/addict. Just advice.
Sending you support and with hugs.
Relatively speaking ... that's easy ;-)
It's the in-person stuff where I'm having trouble.
Without trying to sound like I have ANY idea what's going on in your situation .... because I don't ....
I might think about it this way: the REAL guy ... is the guy you met and spent time with.
The Skype/text/email/phone call guy ... is a bit more like a product of his own Marketing Department.
If you know what I mean.
I wish you luck. Truly.
Stick around these support groups; we won't steer you wrong.
Be safe.
Soooo.... who is he when you *aren't* with him that his friends see such a difference? Because who he is then? Might be a much better indicator of his real self an dhow he really lives and reacts and interacts.
Just a thought.
Supportive vibes your way, and I'm a biochemistry nerd, I sympathize with that desire to have it be "facts" and not only emotions.