Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Just a couple days ago I was telling hubby that I would be ok if he found work. That I would be able to go the day by myself... No wonder he did not look like he believed me!
Hubby is sick, and sleeping right now... has been for about four hours. Right up until about 20 minutes ago when I ran out of simple things to keep my mind distracted, I was ok. I got the poodle half shaved. I got Misha's nails trimmed and got her groomed. Groomed Bucky too. Watered the dogs and the ferrets. Played Farmville and Ninja Kingdom. Found my phone charger and got my phone plugged in so I can call in my meds BEFORE I run out. I answered posts here and on the DS Chronic Pain forum... but other than things that will stress my already stressed back which I have overworked two days in a row (yes, I should not have been grooming dogs, but it is so calming....) I am now out of things to do... and my mind is starting to race.
There are lots of things I need to do - but none of them I can do on a bad back day. I have to let my back rest or I will be down for a week. It will still probably be two or three days right now that I have to just rest and do nothing...
TRIGGER WARNING
... but my mind if filling in the gaps... I am on the verge of sheer terror of being alone. I don't want to remember why I don't want to be alone... but the memories have invaded my mind anyway... a knife, inserted just 1/4 inch into the skin, between the fourth and fifth rib, slowly working its way to puncture my lung and hopefully my heart... of hubby getting back early and walking into the room... of the pain all the blood caused him...I promised him I would never again go to take my life, but he does not trust... should not trust...
An end to pain is not allowed to me... I will keep going because I promised, not because I want to.
Tranquilizers to slow my mind and stop the violent tears that jar my spine...
Opiates (prescribed) to slow the shearing pain in my spine...
Advil to try to aleve the headache I have from crying...
Turn up the music, make it so it can't be ignored, force my mind to have to just listen...
Half of this is because I did too much yesterday and the day before. It is always harder to control my mind when I can't control the pain.
Half of it is because I am afraid that if the pain gets bad enough I will break my promise. I don't ever want to break that promise.
Meds are blurring my mind, maybe it will let me take a nap with hubby. With my luck I will lay down just as he gets up.
I think it will be good that my daughter is moving back. When there is a reason I can't wake hubby (he was running 104 fever just 24 hours ago), her I can wake up to keep me company.
OK, tranquilizers have stopped my mind from racing. Music is too loud to try to think through. I just have to concentrate on breathing.
thanks for the support... I know you have not read this yet, but as someone said (Leo???), it helps to just get it out, and for that I thank you.
yadlim with three dogs in my lap - yes, 4lb poodle, 45lb collie, and 100+ lb Misha. I am smushed with love.
Hubby is sick, and sleeping right now... has been for about four hours. Right up until about 20 minutes ago when I ran out of simple things to keep my mind distracted, I was ok. I got the poodle half shaved. I got Misha's nails trimmed and got her groomed. Groomed Bucky too. Watered the dogs and the ferrets. Played Farmville and Ninja Kingdom. Found my phone charger and got my phone plugged in so I can call in my meds BEFORE I run out. I answered posts here and on the DS Chronic Pain forum... but other than things that will stress my already stressed back which I have overworked two days in a row (yes, I should not have been grooming dogs, but it is so calming....) I am now out of things to do... and my mind is starting to race.
There are lots of things I need to do - but none of them I can do on a bad back day. I have to let my back rest or I will be down for a week. It will still probably be two or three days right now that I have to just rest and do nothing...
TRIGGER WARNING
... but my mind if filling in the gaps... I am on the verge of sheer terror of being alone. I don't want to remember why I don't want to be alone... but the memories have invaded my mind anyway... a knife, inserted just 1/4 inch into the skin, between the fourth and fifth rib, slowly working its way to puncture my lung and hopefully my heart... of hubby getting back early and walking into the room... of the pain all the blood caused him...I promised him I would never again go to take my life, but he does not trust... should not trust...
An end to pain is not allowed to me... I will keep going because I promised, not because I want to.
Tranquilizers to slow my mind and stop the violent tears that jar my spine...
Opiates (prescribed) to slow the shearing pain in my spine...
Advil to try to aleve the headache I have from crying...
Turn up the music, make it so it can't be ignored, force my mind to have to just listen...
Half of this is because I did too much yesterday and the day before. It is always harder to control my mind when I can't control the pain.
Half of it is because I am afraid that if the pain gets bad enough I will break my promise. I don't ever want to break that promise.
Meds are blurring my mind, maybe it will let me take a nap with hubby. With my luck I will lay down just as he gets up.
I think it will be good that my daughter is moving back. When there is a reason I can't wake hubby (he was running 104 fever just 24 hours ago), her I can wake up to keep me company.
OK, tranquilizers have stopped my mind from racing. Music is too loud to try to think through. I just have to concentrate on breathing.
thanks for the support... I know you have not read this yet, but as someone said (Leo???), it helps to just get it out, and for that I thank you.
yadlim with three dogs in my lap - yes, 4lb poodle, 45lb collie, and 100+ lb Misha. I am smushed with love.
I can't call the VA hotline... they know my number. Last time I called they made me check into the psych ward... I was released after a couple hours, because hubby was there and I am ok then. then they called hubby twice a day for the next two weeks to see how I was doing.
Thanks for the hugs. they mean the world to me.
losing the concentration to trype. that had too many letters in ti. While I may hate the feeling of numb and slightly stoned from pain killers, it is better than fear - I just wish it would actually take the physical pain away rather than just making me not care as much.
love classical music.. going to head to youtube to find some more
yadlim
When my physical pain goes up my emotional controls go way down... and I can end up a wreck over Hubby being ten minutes late coming home from a meeting.
I hope that when you wake and read this, you're feeling a ton better:-)
I too can't cope too well with alone time past a certain point. A year ago, not at tall, so I know I've improved, but... When it's bad, it's bad, and no ifs about it.
We're here, we understand, shout out if you need anything, okay?
I just can't let myself sideswipe me like that... if that makes any sense. I was fine until I thought "hey, I am by myself" and flippo kitty from there.
but I am calm again, I have food on my tummy and I am ok
yadlim - pic is from internet titled "SOMETHING TOUCHED MY FOOT!!"
Having a plan really helped me and I don't know if that might be a thing for you as well.
Also, if husband needs to work, there are people (often who work as volunteers so it's free) who are happy to be available to talk to you on the phone or come over to be with you for the most difficult parts of the day. Maybe if you get to know them a bit they might be a good resource.
Sending hugs.