It is outrageous that this happened to you, and no surprise that it's coming up now with all that's going on in the news. You have every reason to feel traumatized and betrayed. I feel furious reading about this. This world has been a boy's club for a long time, to a far greater degree than we women even let ourselves know.

I'm not saying all men are bad and men aren't victiimized by other men too. But what I say still stands. It makes a mockery of the values we are supposed to believe in and support. Reality is deep and often ugly and complex - as people on here have reason to know.

In a weird way... my rape by a schoolmate when I was 17 wasn't as bad for me as knowing I'd be beaten by my dad for sluttiness if I told. That I had no chance of my own father wanting to be on my side? That messes me up to this day (30 years later). B/c it was a trust I gave, that was implied, and.... *poof* Nos uch thing.

I do not compare this to the military, just that sense that "They're supposed to hear me out" was instead... severely not. The sense of un-safety? Yeah.

Big puma hugs.

My biggest trauma happened almost 10 years ago. I still have flashbacks from that and earlier stuff, It kills me to feel like I have no control over those memories. It's like they can waltz in and out of our lives despite years of progress. Much love and hugs

Hi Blue,
Yeah, it creeps up when you least expect it and maybe all the talk in the news did trigger.
It’s bloody freaking awful that this was allowed to happen to you in our nation’s military. The ultimate sacrifice of serving your country should never be repaid with betrayal and injustice.

Here at DS is the place to unload your feeling about this recurrent memory because here you are safe in a village of friendship and support, sincerity and genuine compassion. I am so sorry that this happened at all and that so many years later it still reaches out to make you feel badly. Triple hugs Blue triple hugs~

((( BlueSky )))

blue, it really got my attention when you wrote, "My chain of command's betrayal was more traumatic than the sexual assault itself." When we who belong to great institutions in society (the military, law enforcement, church, school) and give our loyalty only not to get it back, it hurts us twice over.

You know my story, missionary service isn't military service but there were parallels. I was expected to be quiet so as not to disturb my family's church ministry and its chain of command. With you it was the Corps.

I am so sorry. It's understandable that would stay with you after all these years. I still want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your patriotism and service, my friend.

I'll spare you my just-a-patient theories on why you dumped all this here and skip to being glad you did. In my strictly personal herstory of dealing with child sex trafficking trauma, those psychic wounds will, indeed, remain fresh and raw, complicated by infections, etc., until I pull them out, hose them off and ply healing measures.

Continued support while you sort, Blue, Army vet to Marne Corps vet. (Resisting rivalry jabs. . .) Hope healing happens here.

Thanks, DW, Leo, Scamp, Arfie, Muji, Patti and Nancy. DW, thank you for your anger about it.... I'm glad someone out there sympathizes with the hurt, as well as everyone else who does. But you'd be surprised to know that my MasterGunns at the time was a female. That's an E-9, parallel to a Sergeant Major's rank. She was the only female in my whole chain of command and probably the highest ranking female on the entire base. Yet.... she was the one who sat me side by side to my attacker during questioning and said, "If you didn't fight him off, then it wasn't rape." I thought SHE, among a military branch loaded with men, would be the one to defend me, but nope. Her statement was the most painful traumatizing one of all.

And....
I know what set these memories off lately.
When we went on vacation overseas in Dec, there was an incident I have fail to mention / talk about here. I guess I was hoping it would just go away, but it hasn't. I mean, it's not as haunting as the 1st few days and when we flew back to the States, I started feeling safer / better, but it doesn't change that it happened.
I got really sick on the trip with bronchitis and severe rib pain, as in a scale of 9/10 pain scale. I went to urgent care and they sent me to the main hospital to have chest X-rays. My husband stayed back at the clinic. The X-ray room did not have a any changing areas and the x-ray tech wanted me to change right there in front him. But lucky I found a couple of skinny lockers to change behind. When I came out, the man pulled my robe off, even though I held onto it. He pushed me up against the x-ray screen and next thing I knew he grabbed my breasts and flatted my entire chest against the screen. I put my arms across my chest but he pulled my arms off and put them on the corners of the screen. I was so shocked / stunned by what occurred I didn't know what had just happened. The scariest part was he acted like this is what he does all day and talked down to me like I was just a problem patient for him.

When I got back to the clinic I asked the doctor if it was normal for patients to be stripped of their clothing for an x-ray. She said yes. I told her that doesn't happen in the US. She said they don't have up to date technology like we do.

When I got back to the hotel with hubby, I felt so dirty and violated. I told him what happened and said get flight and take me home. We still have to go back to the clinic 3 additional times to fill out insurance papers (which horrified me), but I had to if I wanted it filled out properly. I couldn't get on the plane fast enough the next evening and get out of there. As soon as I got home I felt safer, but it doesn't stop that violated feeling. It's come and gone since, and I'm sure this is the root cause for my past memories being brought to my attention. Thanks for listening to me pour more disgusting stuff out of my head. Hugs, everyone.

Hugs blue. I am sorry that happened to you and definitely can see how that would set the past rolling through you like a storm. I’m so glad you were able to express it here and make room for some breath and healing. Triple hugs

That is a horrible experience and no wonder it triggered the old memories. It sounds humiliating and dehumanizing to be treated like that - I would want to beat the crap out of that technician (and would probably curl up in a ball and cry instead).

I can understand that the betrayal by the woman officer was the worst of all. I am so sorry you had to go through any of that. I'm glad you were able to empty it out here and hope it has lightened your burden.

Ick, that was a creepy, creepy experience with that x-ray, blue, and I certainly would have done the same thing you did and cut my trip short at that point. I understand how you would have avoided mentioning it in hopes it would just fade from my memory, too, only to find it would trigger your original trauma in the Marine Corps.

That matches parallel patterns in my life with PTSD as well, so I'm so sorry but I can at least say you're not alone in what you're going through now. We can support you in all of the complexities of this because it's all too familiar, rest assured.

Really sorry Blue for the suffering of this. It is fine to post here that is awful to deal with. It is like you don't matter and to him you didn't but his mind is ill and warped and what he did is against the law. However, the law does not always protect the innocent. It is not your fault period!! Good for you to speak the truth, that is all you can do. HOw others react is there journey, you did the right thing. hugs

Don’t feel ashamed for how long it’s been. I’ve got something 24 years behind me and still have rough moments. It’s just part of our life. Glad you’re here. What did you do to cope? Are you feeling better?

I remember having to strip down and wear hospital gowns for x-rays. Ah, the bad old days. . . It's been long enough since I've had an x-ray that I wasn't aware that detail had changed.

Glad your physical recovery is going well, May the trend continue. . .

Sorry the female Master Gunns failed to support you. I am still resisting the rivalry based jabs. Marines have quite a rep for this kind of thing. Healing hopes for all. No exceptions.

Thanks, everyone for the support. I'm going to talk to my PTSD counselor about these things. When I saw him last week I briefly mentioned the x-ray incident but I thought I was ok and didn't really touch on anything else. Clearly, I'm bothered, there's more, and it should be discussed. Thanks.