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My abuser, my father was a violent alcoholic narcissist
here is an excerpt from an article
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Interpersonal Problems
Adult survivors of past abuse may also experience difficulties in relationships with others. These difficulties can influence your relationships with partners, friends, members of your family of origin, and your children.
Evvie Becker-Lausen and Sharon Mallon-Kraft describe two dysfunctional interpersonal styles that they characterize as “pandemic” outcomes of past abuse. Adult survivors may adopt an avoidant style, which includes low interdependency, self-disclosure and warmth, leading to few interpersonal ties. ( I have lived with few deep attachments and enjoy the security of my bedroom over any social gathering)
Or they may adopt an intrusive style, which includes extremely high needs for closeness, excessive self-disclosure and being smotheringly warm. We could call the intrusive style “codependent.”
The intrusive style is overly demanding and controlling. Interestingly, both styles result in loneliness. (You’ll also notice that the two styles are very similar to those of depressed mothers.)
Past abuse influences adult relationships. In a sample of incest survivors, those not in stable or secure relationships as adults were more likely to be depressed (Alexander, Anderson, Brand, Schaeffer, Grelling & Kretz. 1998).
Past abuse can influence your ability to trust others, make friends, and have relationships that are not exploitive. ( I have never trusted a woman in a relationship after the public humiliation in college. Fear was the driving subconscious force that enabled me to not need people)
Adult survivors are often isolated and are less satisfied with their relationships than adults who were never abused. (I Isolated, had few deep connections, never joined groups, and became suspicious of others motives, people were not safe in my world)
If you are an abuse survivor, you may find it difficult to find an adequate support network to help you cope with the stresses of parenting. ( Abused kids have few resources and are oblivious that we need therapy
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
It took 30 years for them to get caught and be stopped, which means they got away with all that they were doing for my entire childhood and more. For that reason, I decided not to have kids myself but to focus on my own recovery instead until their day of reckoning. It was hard to wait 30 years for that, but it was worth it. I was able to build a healthier life for myself in the meant time.
Part of our mind did not develop while other parts developed to survive
Survival mode never should be a complete childhood
I never realized how damage my being was
How could we
Being abused criticized and abused is all we know
We believe it is our unworthiness that causes our parent to abuse us
If we were better the abuse would stop
Sad but we know nothing else at 5,8,12,15,25,35
Abusers will nff see er support therapy fir us
They would be discovered
At first he staged some fake healings just to win folks over, like the time he made flyers with the photo of a girl who was a playmate of mine. He claimed to have healed her blindness by faith. The thing is, she never was blind.
The problem wasn't just lying like that, the real narcissism kicked in when he started believing his own propaganda. Then he thought he did have a special channel to God. That's when he got a church started that his charisma grew to 3,000 members.
The last step came when he went from believing he had his own special channel to believing he was special because he actually was God himself. It took the 30 years I mentioned above to get there, but that was the end game. That was when the government of the country in South America he was living in had enough and grabbed him and my mom, put them in a police car, and drive them to the airport for deportation back to the USA.
Even then, my parents never confessed they were wrong. They stayed narcissists forever even in deportation and defeat.
It made me go the support group route here instead.
You know how crazy and cold they are
Like sharks their eyes and bring have no empathy in others
Even using god to cheat people
They are above the law and all people
I hated my dad
Always have and made sure I was as opposite of him as possible
Now my trauma has erupted again and dads abuse comes marching in
I am tired at 69 to still trying to unravel the abuse when I was small
No choice