Hello Edith. Welcome to DS. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

The inundations of a memory block coming down can be quite intense. My own memory damage was intense enough that I had to learn how to stay calm during those initial floods. Survive first. Analyze later.

The "recent" in your first line makes me wonder if, for now, your best course of action is to keep venting. Just let those memories and anxieties roll out your fingertips and into posts such as this one until you can talk about them without experiencing more symptoms. Just wondering. . . It remains yours to sort.

Gentle support while you sort. Welcome aboard. You are not alone.

Hi. Welcome :-) My memory blocks came down when I was 43. Not identical, but... As Arfie said, survival first, analyze later. Just let the waves roll thorugh you and vent away, *if* it helps. I first didn't htink it would, but in fact, after all these years, I've found a lot of things out about me, my parents, the world, etc., b/c analysis does that after the pain ebbs a bit.

Healing hopes to you. We're here.

Thank you both for your responses. I’ve just been very confused and trying to find some direction. I feel like I keep waiting for the family I thought they were to show up for me and support me but they all support my father and don’t believe me. I think I’ve started to accept that they aren’t who I thought they were and that they won’t change, but it’s navigating life now with that knowledge and trying to figure out how to live without my abusers that’s giving me some difficulty. They’ve gas lighted and brainwashed me for so long that I have this panicky feeling at times thinking I can’t do this on my own or I’m crazy or I’m what they say I am and sometimes questioning my own perspective and memory. But I know I’m sure I’m correct in what I remember. I just desperately want to break the inter generational abuse cycle that has plagued my family for generations and I want to be the one who stops it.

Welcome to the board Edith.... This is a good place to come.. there are several members here who suffered badly during childhood.... Gentle hug....xo

Welcome, Edith. I'm the child of mentally ill parents, too. I learned from my therapist 11 years ago that to be safe I could have no more contact with them, which turned out to be true. What's also true--and it's hard for folks beyond here to understand--is that I still love them even though I have no contact with them.

I know, though, that my love is no cure for their mental illness, and unlike me they refused to get any therapy. Child abuse in my family goes back generations, too, so I broke the cycle to the point that I had a surgical vasectomy to make sure I never did to a child what they did to me. I am proud to have made sure of that in every way possible. You can be as well.

Glad you are here, horrified at what brings you here.

I didnt believe in traumatic memory loss. Thought it was just bullshit. But I had gaping holes in my memory. I also had a nightmare of a life. Practiced self injury from the age of four, was excessively sexual from the same age, and was totally suicidal also from the same age. (first suicide attempt I was 11) I added gambling and drug addictions to my resume, in my twenties. Hated myself and my father, felt worthless and isolated and useless.

Finally in therapy in my 30's describing what i remembered of my childhood and horrible acting out (especially sexual) and listening to my therapist who kept saying something happened to me, with me saying I didnt know how it mattered and i didnt remember so what was the point) Then something triggered me before work one night, and during my shift i had, what i thought was a fantasy, so i tossed it out of my mind, but something was odd about it. It was like examining a picture, I am standing, looking up at a girl splayed on top of a washing machine. My fingers are spread open, (covered in goo) I feel the impression of her hands, where they released my arm.

Then it dawned on me, I dont look UP at a washing machine. I was 33. I look down at a washing machine. I began examining the "picture more closely, recognized the room as a place my family lived when I was four. I do not have total recall, and the memories I have are strange. People missing faces and heads. Familiar places, but traumatic experiences.

I did alot of screaming (into my pillow at night) as I recovered more and more. I learned about traumatic memory loss. I have recovered alot of memories, words in the memories are missing (because i didnt have words then like I do now)

I was always terrified of water, (she used to torture me by holding my head under water, i suspect she drowned and revived me several times) She split my head open, she fractured my nose, she fractured my skull a different time and also gave me a concussion yet another time.

There were stores she told how i got hurt, I was too young to understand, she couldnt hurt my mom, and too terrified of her doing to others, didnt know to speak up.

You are likely suffering post traumatic stress. It is difficult for anyone who hasnt been through it to understand it.
I am glad you are here reaching out. If you have never been through therapy with a good psychologist, i suggest you seek that out.

First however, you need tools to deal with your emotions, most of that is having healthy nurturing people to listen and let you talk through them, facing what we feel. Healing takes time, and it takes effort and support. Dont attempt it alone. REach out and find as much support as you can from groups like here and anywhere else you can find. Educate yourself as much as you can, (search symptoms of child sexual abuse and neglect) and also look up ways of healing or overcoming or just getting through daily.

You can add me if you like, message me if you like, I will support you any way i can.

My heart goes out to you welcome Edith