Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I have a good crisis, a crisis from something really good that's happening, but it's still a crisis nonetheless.
Since I collapsed and ended up in the hospital in 2011 to find out I had 60% permanent kidney damage, I quit my career I'd pursued for a decade as a hospital chaplain and accepted that it was time for Plan B. I went to work teaching at a community college, and after working hard I got tenure in 2016.
Before chaplaincy, though, I used to teach at a higher level, at the university level. I did that for 12 years. So as long as I was teaching and not a chaplain, part of me wanted to get well enough to get back to teaching at that higher level.
It wasn't easy after 2011 for me because permanent kidney damage meant zero meds for me--not even aspirin. That's when I came here every day as my daily strength when I couldn't take a pill. It worked.
Now, I did my latest kidney checkup with my kidney doc and got the best kidney report ever from him. Kidneys can't be cured, and I have only 40% of my kidneys left. But because I'm sticking to the strict doctor's orders he gave me, I'm getting an extra 20% kidney function out of them. I'm very safe, then, from having to do dialysis, my greatest fear.
Being safe from that, I thought maybe I could be a little ambitious, and so I applied to some universities. One of them responded, and I did a phone interview with its search committee. Next thing you know, they've asked me to come visit them in person to "audition" for the job March 16th.
I'm so happy, and so grateful that support here truly did take the place of meds to get me to this point in my PTSD recovery with kidney disease. There is a factor involved though: of all the places I applied to in the country, this place happens to be not only where this university I applied to is located, it's also where my abuser lives.
You may say, "well, you knew that when you applied," but I sent out 59 job applications to universities from coast to coast. I didn't think much of it when I applied to that one because I thought there would surely be other options. There aren't, and as grateful as I am for having this one option--it's a good university and a good job there, by the way--I wonder.
I've kept away from this abuser for 7 years now, no contact because any and all contact is crazy-making for me, and I'd like to keep away. Do you have any success stories to share about living near your abuser and yet having good, healthy boundaries?
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
campuses.
Cross those bridges when it comes to them. If you don't feel safe and they offer you the job, respectfully decline but get the letter of the job offer to add to your references.
Support.
J
I'm sorry if that doesn't help much - proud of you for taking risks even though this is happening. gentle hugs my friend xx
The interview process might just give you experience, the job offer if it comes maybe just to flatter you, or you may feel comfortable at that time to take it.
Great news by the way, about your kidneys.
Muji you just have more choices coming your way, thats all. Remember, emotions have no logic. Your logic brain is saying " you have time to get a sense of what will work for you and there is no reason to panic now". Listen to your logic brain now and know the emotions are from the past little you that got tramatized.. Hugs and support to you and I know you will be fine
maybe it is a step on the way to something better? (((( hugs ))))
Sorry i dont have better advice. Hugs.
Anyway, there was good and bad to never being able to completely escape. My coping methods became refined. I couldn't ever deny it. Forced me to see much of what made her who she was, and by default, helped me learn to avoid it with myself.
When I was younger the comments from well meaning, but hurtful neighbors acquaintances were what was most difficult. Now...I don't give a crap.
See while I had a hard time speaking the truth about the living, I feel no such obligation towards the dead.
So I guess that would be my question. Will you run into people who know him? Are you comfortable telling your truth and not being believed by those people (because chances are...80% won't believe you. 10% will believe you but either won't say anything or won't want to get involved. 5% will listen and understand. And 5% will be the most vocal and will say that YOU were the cause of all of it and are complete wrong. (Oh such fun times remembered...not.)
That was my experience anyway.
The 80% give me the most nightmares.
The words from the 5% that believed and 5% that thought that I was the whole problem, are what echos the most in my head.
I think I would go for the audition. See how it feels to be back in that place.
To be around someone who caused your harm had that person changed?
How much or little contact with that person would happen?
would you being there in that area,activate the person who abused you? ie: seeing each other or running into?
However, I have tons of stories about not letting my hyper-vigilant fears of abuse and entrapment dictate where I will or will not walk, where I will or will not work, etc. I have come to believe that evasion can all too easily be another form of control.
Dunno if that applies here, but. . .
Continued support while you sort what it is for you.
Would you have suppor there? Are there support groups you’d attend if you lived in the city? Can you get doctors recommendations for that city and set yourself up with a good team immediately? Do you know anyone else in the city who may be a supportive friend?
Is it s big city?
I have avoided someone successfully while in the same city but I did not live there and it caused a great deal of anxiety for me. However, at the time I was at the beginning of my treatment and just learning to let go of my unhealthy coping mechanisms.
My first/worst of the abusers is family. He’s still in my life. He and another family member make boundaries very difficult but I do see him. Before I lost my entire sense of self in this current relationship I was able to handle visits and run ins much better. I focus on me. I don’t say much. I don’t think I really even made eye contact for years. It’s possible that I still don’t. I’m snarky. I’m not myself around him but I’m ok with that. I use humor to be rude but it just sounds like I’m being funny. It’s so not me at all but it helps. I do have boundaries that I don’t speak of. For instance, I do not hug or touch. I do not see them alone. If I were to run into him out and about (not likely these days since he no longer lives here) the plan was always to say I was in a hurry and leave.
Regardless of the time, place, control or any other aspect, boundaries respected or not, it is hard every single time I see him. It is so hard, but I am always after processing.
What you have to decide is how much the job means to you and how much you believe in yourself and your ability to find a new support team. You are so strong. I believe in you. I believe you shouldn’t let your abuser control your life any longer. But I also know first hand that that is easier said than done. The one I see lives 1800 miles away now. It’s nice that I get a warning when he’ll be in town. You may always be on edge. Or you may adjust to the fear and never see them. I don’t think I could do it but if anyone can, it’s you.
I'm going to take into account, as arfie says, that this could be my PTSD hypervigilance winding me up, too.
I really admire you, Kate1976, and how you've developed anti-narcissism skills to interact with your abuser twice a week for your kids' sake.
Knee, I think my moving there would indeed "activate" my abuser again, so the question is: what then? My abuser got activated when I moved last time, too, even though it wasn't to a place near them. They just see movement as change they can manipulate in their favor. So I'll have to use the same tools to draw the boundary in a future move closer to them that I used moving here where I am.
Yeah, SimpsonsOK, I'll trust my gut. That's the real test in the final analysis.
patti22, funny how you mentioned death. One of my abusers, the sexual assaulter, is dead, having gotten shanked in prison by a fellow inmate when he finally got tried and convicted for child molesting. I found out by daring to return to Uruguay in 2009 after staying away for years on end because that's where he'd gotten me. If I hadn't ever gone back, his other survivors and I would never have gotten together to share the news.
lovelilbeany, indeed he can't hurt me any more, you're right.
lilly, one part at a time is always good advice. Thank you. First things first, then see what's next. Same with what you say, run, one thing at a time.
Swim, your experience really does help, actually. I'm like you, I wouldn't yield up parts of the city to my abuser, just as a won't yield up this job interview to him, either. Thanks for that.
Jewells, the city has about 200,000 people, which is enough for me to feel comfortable with, and there are indeed satellite towns from which I can choose one as a refuge. And you're right, decide when the time comes, not now.
nancy, I don't think I've ever gotten triple hugs before. Yours are the first--thank you.
I'm taking myself seriously, then, because you took me seriously, too, yet I'm not going to overreact, either, nor sabotage myself to avoid the challenge of this opportunity. As issues arise, I'll run down this list of advice and pick from it to suit the occasion buffet-style. My gratitude to you all for such a rich feast of advice and support.