Not so long ago, when I drove, I'd have thoughts of hoping to have the courage to hit that tree or concrete barriar. I'd think, "Even if I did fall asleep at the wheel right now, at least all this would be over." I guess you could call it passive suicidal ideation. When the thought became active, I'd go to the hospital. But mostly they were passive.

Well I've been bussing around due to my van needing a new starter, which I'll get next week. I missed my last bus and figured it would be easier to walk. That particular road that I needed to walk was pretty much unwalkable. No sidewalk, metal barriers with brush up against it on the side that could be considered safer to walk. As I got near the end of it, it became completely unpassable due to the debree. I walked onto the road. I tried to do it quickly. But I ticked off two drivers for being there. 

Before I walked on the road as far right as I could, I remember thinking of a thought I had had many times before. "If someone hits me and kills me, no big. All this will finally be over." But that thoguht didn't hold truth this time. This time, I thought, "I don't want to get hit. I don't want to die." 

I've been either passively or actively suicidal for years. And had fleeting thought recently which I quickly recognized as an old habit, not what I want. I experienced that again on the road. But this time, I realized again that it was an old habit and that I didn't really want to die. Truthfully I don't think I ever did.  I realize now that I wanted to live, just not be in the pain I was in. But suicide seemed like my only escape in the past. Turned out all I had to do was move to Texas. Well, it took more than that but none of the other stuff would have been possible without that move first.

So I learned two lessons yesterday: 1. Don't take that road and 2. I don't want to die. 

Next time I'll just wait for the next bus.