I had an argument with my brother who is visiting, about my dad. It was a hard conversation and I let my self get worked up and I have'nt done that in a while. anyways with the baby on the way I can't help but think about what kind of mom I will be and what kind of parent my dad isn't. About a year and a half ago I opened the door (figuratively speaking ) with my father after 10 or so years of not speaking due to really horrible family situations. anyways I opened this door with him trying to have a relationship and heal and let things go and give him a chance. the first week he made and effort, then after that for about a year, all conversations that took place were because I called him or texted him I reached out to him. Then I got pregnant and emotional and decided I didn't want to be the only one trying. It was extremly hurtful the my father wasn't making an effort to get to know me again, talk, or seem to care. I couldn't deal with that and pregnancy. so I just stoped reaching and calling. I figured what's the point. I also felt like he should be the one reaching and trying because he caused so much harm and should have been happy that I was giving him the chance to try again. IDK maybe that vein or wrong to think that. I just think if it was me and my kid, after all that I would work my butt off at the relationship and try! I mean I wasn't expecting much, I don't think a phone call that came from him was too crazy to ask or for anything that said he reached back. So then talking to my brother tonight he(my brother) got made at me for feeling this way and for "shutting the door again" saying I was expecting too much from him(my dad) to want him to reach out and call. He said my dad had been hurt a lot in the divorce and had trust issues and that is why he doesn't try and waits for people to come to him. I told my brother that I told my dad that I would like if he called me or wrote letters or something and that it would be welcomed. that was about 3 months before I got pregnant. he still didn't do anything. So I feel like I tried to be understanding of that. then I said to my brother I think it says a lot about our dad and how we were raised if its too much to expect a phone call. I feel like I put myself through a lot of discomfort to try and have a relationship with my father for a year. I go to therapy and ignore a lot of the crazy or hurtful things he would say when we did talk in an effort to have a relationship with him. Why should I have to be the one holding his hand, protecting him from discomfort (at my own expense) when he is so clearly un willing to do the same for me? I feel he is a coward. I would do anything for this baby I am carrying and I haven't even seen her yet. Isn't that what being a parent is? Where you do hard things for your children because you love them. I guess a phone call is too much. its hard to not let that effect my self esteme even as an adult. I just want a dad. A real parent. one who I don't always have to take care of and who takes care of me once in a while. Is that crazy? Anyways . I went to talk to my husband about all of this tonight and he fell asleep on me during it . I just turned over and cried. I love my husband and he is a wonderful man don't get me wrong. I just felt very alone and un cared about tonight after that. I don't think my husband thinks I do very much. But I do. I go to school, I unpack our house (pregnant) which feels like a lot preping for the baby(we just moved in ), I cook and clean . I know that to many working moms out there that doesn't seem like much but it has been a lot for me. I just want him to come home and be vocally grateful and happy with who I am, what I do for him , and where I am at. If I ask him to bend over to pick something up for me because its uncomfortable being six months pregnant and I have bent over all day for other things while he is gone it would be nice if he didn't roll his eyes about it. Heaven forbid the man involved in the pregnancy has to do something uncomfortable for two seconds because of the baby he made, but isn't carrying. It's not like the woman isn't uncomfortable 100% of the time for the sake of the baby he put in her. So yes it bothers me like crazy when he is even the slightest bit annoyed by anything I might need help with. (lucky for him I ask for it once in a blue moon) Generally speaking though he has been really excited about this baby and is kind. It was just a lot of little things building up tonight.