I keep feeling like that too. It's like an internal debate on weather or not to kill yourself. You don't really want to because it would be great if you could just live and feel good, but at the same time you feel like you will never feel good and be okay so you may as well just die. Is that kind of what you mean? Because that's how I feel.

And do you have anything that you love to do that could distract your from the suicidal thoughts?

LoveAlice, I draw and paint, which I did today. It's almost as if I need something that involves my body, mind, and spirit in order to get them to go away. My usual coping skills aren't working as well.
I'm afraid I'm gonna end up inpatient because my friend told the school, which is what a good friend is supposed to do I guess.... My family wants me to go, but in have 3 weeks of school left and I don't want to miss anything.
Either I kill myself or I ruin my entire semester at school -_- both are not ideal?

I wound up having to go, not by choice. I got to the point that the pain was too much to handle, my emotions flaring. Suicidal thoughts rampaged through my mind, PTSD was at an all time high that would not calm down, problems with my parents, unable to see my sister, boyfriend and I were fighting, ex-husband back to his old tricks, I couldn't take it. Down the pills went, my eyes felt so heavy, my chest hurt some, but my mind finally felt peaceful. I woke up later in the hospital, they sent me to a hospital about an hour away for 72 hour hold. My boyfriend had found me and called me in. I am so thankful that I did not die. So many times I feel and wish I was, I yearn for peace, I pray to be normal. But the pain from my past will always be there, and I have to learn to live with that. I come here to read, to chat, to learn from others, I take my dogs for a walk, write poetry, and spend time with my boyfriend when able. When its night and the moon is bright I lay in bed and stare at the night sky in total awe of the universe and how even though my life has been rough and I have yet to feel truly happy I am still here. I was still birthed into this world, I get to witness the first paw prints on fresh snow, the first chirp of a waking bird, the birth of my dog's pups which will be coming soon, the yawn and stretch of my fat tabby cat. All of these things, even things so small, they make me smile, just to be able to witness them all. There is no feeling like sitting outside watching butterflies come freshly out of their cocoons.
Next time you are feeling down, please if you are able, go outside and just watch the birds, or squirrels, even a small ant hauling something to its nest, it is all so unbelievable and amazing.
Big hugs, and please treat yourself well, best wishes.

lllovely... hmm not kill yourself, and not miss school.. I vote that you finish school,, but if you're not going to finish school then better to be inpatient than dead.

gero, yes.. those things bring me peace and connection too. I used to live in the country, but live in the city now. I have those memories though, and find similar peace in prayer.

I had a lot of mood swings too during the first year after getting out of my abuse situation. They got less with time but did not decrease that greatly until I got help and also got him and his sister out of my life completely. They came back when another abusers came in and out of my life and I had to learn to manage things as I went. I think for me, it was the unpredictability of the traumatic situation (or the memory of that unpredictability) that affects mood (plus the sleeping too much, too little, poor diet that can result, drug/alcohol use, etc.).

Just sending good wishes.

I am here with you today... Been fighting it hard since Wednesday evening... I'm so sorry you are here with me... Know your not alone... I suppose we are "normal" anyone else having been through our life would had the same reaction to our triggers...!!!

I don't have advice really... I know that when I feel safe, I can enjoy the little things... And it really does feel good...

At the moment I don't know how to be safe...'but I will be here with you and hold your hand, your not alone... And neither am I...!!!

I've been hospitalized twice for this issue, so it's not something I take lightly. I did have to reconsider something I recognize in what you say: the fear of never being "normal."

I had to let go of believing in "normal." I believe there are people who are more "typical" than me. But I'm not abnormal because I'm in this shape I'm in after surviving the traumas I've survived. I certainly don't deserve to die over that.

There's a standard distribution curve call the bell curve.... looks like a big old hump in the middle where "most" fall in the statistical study of whatever is studied.... Height, weight, etc....
It tapers to left and right, as people or whatever go off to higher/lower endsof the measurements.....

Bad explanation but my point is....

Believe it or not, we're not that far outside the big humped middle of the BELL in the middle. We're not. If you take into account the WHOLE POPULATION? So many are dx'd with some form of mental or emotional disorder that it's pretty much right there in the bell-- a form of normalt hat is a little off the high center but still nowhere near hte outlying points.

Normal is based on what people agree is normal. In some cultures, it's having more than one wife---and monogamy is "abnormal". In another culture, it might be eating a certain food---and to them it's "crazy" to touch it. Normal is subjective, not objective.

I am normal. For me. That's what I got. So you're normal for you. For here and now.:-)

Test today for classes I want to pass, yes need, but defined by want. But I am on short break from study(even that is pacing myself)

There is the difference. You want to get better, graduate and go on to a better life, let that be the force to take any small steps needed to get your head in the tracks to get there.
Counseling, classes, outside therapy, grounding techniques etc., are the tools.
Our brains have unlimited areas to tuck new info, so the more you work at the tools, positive experiences matter how small, the less you have as a percentage of bad, banging around in your brain.

Stick around for the change you can make. Even the small ones count on the whole, like ripples made when you skip a stone across the water. Positive, spreads the positive.

Some tips Muji gathered.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/tips-for-ptsd-flashbacks/discussions/messages/15379699

I hope this helps.
Jewells.

Thanks for your replies everyone.. when I feel good, I am in love with the world. Butterflies leave me in awe. I spend hours hiking in parks. I love it. I spent time in the sun today. it was great.
Unfortunately, my therapist is making calls in the morning to get me into an inpatient program. I know it's probably best, considering the anniversary on my mom's death is rapidly approaching, and that I'm afraid of myself lately. I wish it wasn't necessary, but my family and my therapist want me to go so I am guaranteed safety. I'm honestly really scared..