I have successfully prosecuted and gained no healing from it. The vengeance drive blocked healing in my own, personal case. In my personal skin, vengeance fed directly into my rage issues, but mine is an extremely reactive nature. Each of us is unique and needs to sort it for ourselves.

The "scared silent" part is definitely not good. Personal trauma is not healthy small talk, but neither is internalizing it with fearful silence. Balance in all things.

Congratulations on the courageous step of enunciating it here. Chew on it a while and see where it takes you. I find this to be a good, mostly safe place to sort through my confusions. Hope you do, too.

Welcome to the forum.

Statutes of limitation vary from one jurisdiction to another, and I never pursued prosecution for a lot of reasons. ONe of them being... fear. And y'know what? I don't know if it would've helped or hurt. I am guess in my case it would've hurt.

Take your time, think it over, and ask yourself if it'll e a step toward healing, b/c it will mean revisiting the incident. Possibly a lot, depending on what happened. If you're in therapy/counseling, ask the therapist if you trust him/her.... thes things can depend on where you are in th ehealing journey, as I am learning. I'm still waaaay early on myself, so I know it's widely varying as we go along....

Healing vibes,
Leo

I am curious to know something. When he was making me send pictures he forced me to roleplay scenes where he raped me. Does this fall under cyber bullying or something else?

I am not law enforcement, but whatever the case, it strikes me as a crime, and I think you should certainly consult a crisis center or similar to find out what exactly recrouse you have under the law.

You don't have to prosecute, but putting a definition on the act may help you, and I hope you are seeking therapy/counseling to deal with what was done.

I never did report a sexual assault---but it wasn't the assailant I feared. It was my own dad's reaction. So I understand fear.

Gentle healing to you

I fear my parents reaction. I am not in counseling. I'm afraid to be judged by a therapist. I wish this had never happened. :'( I have been sitting here thinking what if he was a 40 year old guy who did this to me???!!!!! He told me he was my age. Part of me believes that but part doesn't. How would I find out that?

I also fear him. Not a day goes by that he's not in my mind.

I hope you can overcome your fear of being judged by a counselor. It happens, but not with the good ones and finding a good therapist and/or therapy program can make all the difference in taking back your personal power.

But...

Small steps make the surest recovery. Just opening up here is a solid step in itself. So sorry all this happened to you. Healing wishes.

Thanks arfie. Your support means a lot. I have been struggling with this for almost a year now. I have kept this from so many people. I want to tell my youth minister but I'm scared. Every time I tell someone what happened I am freaked out inside wondering how they will react. Nobody is mad at me which I find odd. I kinda want them to be mad because that's how I figured someone would react to what I did.

They're not angry, Violet, b/c you didn't do anything wrong. Gentlest hugs to you.
If it helps, try writing down all that happened. (If it upsets you, don't.) I did that as a "rehearsal" for telling pepole about things. Another person I know told it all to a digital voice recorder (the kind people use to tape lectures in college, they're pcoket-sized)----and just let that do the talking. So you can "tell" without telling a person---and have your story there and your voice is intact and heard.
Whatever you decide, we'er here for you, and you've got real courage to share this with us and ask our input.
PUrrs to you from the lioness,
Leo

My sexual assault perp got convicted and sentenced to 25 years because he was a serial rapist. It validated what had happened to me, but it didn't heal me. I found healing in work with my therapist and in talking to others who've been there and live with the aftermath, like those in this support group. If safety were at stake I wouldn't hesitate to prosecute. I was glad for the validation, too, but I'm glad I was warned not to expect miracles in my healing from his sentencing. He deserved every bit of what he got, but it didn't turn back time for me.

Same result when I found out he got shanked in prison by another inmate who murdered him. He lived by violence so he died by violence. But I didn't feel a vengeful healing from it. It was just a sorry end to a sorry life led my a sorry predator. I still had to plug away at my own healing at my own therapy session the next week.

Thank you both. I really need help. I am scared to death at night because I have all my flashbacks at that time. Especially closer to midnight. Because he kept me up till midnight or later sending him those pictures.

My assailant went to prison for something else and did not have a happy time there. Didn't heal me.

My only regret in not reporting came from worrying he did that to others and I didn't help stop him.

But I got no healing or joy from his fate. Just more tired dull memories of what a sad and painful thing occurred.

I am not a counselor---but this helps me with flashbacks. I think others use it or similar, but when the flashback and panic begin to rise?
Look at an item in your room. Say its name aloud, Breathe in deep, breath out deep. Repeat this until you've "seen" three to five things in your room.
Listent o something. Say what it is aloud. Breathe in deep. Breath out deep. Listent o something. repeat till you've "heard" three to five things in your room.
Feel something. Say what it is and how it feels. (Fleecy blanket, for example). Deep breath in, deep breath out. Repeat 3-5 items.
Keeps me "here and now". And the breathing helps calm me. See-hear-feel here-now. Also works for me after nightmares about half the time.

Gentle healing,
Leo

See a counselor and get some help in deciding if you are strong enough. Sexual assault can be tough to prove if you didn't go to the hospital and have a rape kit done. The rape crisis center that I was a part of had stats that were not great. Of the 9 out 10 women who reported rape to the authorities only 1 out of 10 got a conviction.

This is pathetic news, I know. If you decide to go forward it will be a long and difficult battle but you are the only one who can decide if it is worth it.

The only advice I can give to you is this-My rapist was never convicted. I missed the statue of limitations by 18 months. My daughter's abuser couldn't be convicted of anything because he was a juvenile at the time and she didn't report him until he was an adult- She and I had to make the choice to heal from this no matter what. You can still have a happy life and you can heal even if the monster who hurt you doesn't pay for what he did. How do I know this? Because I did it and my daughter is doing it too.

You are already a hero and a survivor and nobody can ever take that from you. Hang in there and come back here for support. The people here understand this better than anyone since many of us have lived it.

Warmly, Laura

I'm confused because I wasn't raped in real life (even though it feels that way) it was only over roleplay. Does it still count as rape? Or what? I've asked myself this for weeks and can't come up with answer.

Sounds to me like you were definitely violated. He is a predator , that is for sure!