wow! I know what you mean! Have you ever read Helen Kubler-Ross'es "On Death and Dying"? The five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Anger is right in there.

I'm surprised that a bereavement support group would not understand that. Are there any local people that you can share with? Either counselor or other more professional support group?

Grief can trigger so many different things-I know it did for me. My mom died very suddenly at the age of 61 and that grief was horrible and then my ex died at the age of 45 which brought up even more feelings. I urge you to try the grief support group. It might really help to share with other people who are going through the same thing right now.

Grief doesn't seem to bring up feelings on spec, does it? What arises is what arises. I'm sorry you have this to work through under such difficult circumstances with few places where your feelings would be accepted. Here I've found people have been more accepting than other places I've shared, so I hope you have that experience, too.

In Kubler-Ross's book that x mentions, the second stage of the five stages of grief mentioned is "anger." It's a book that helped me and other people I know, and it's available new, used, and on Kindle. You might find your feelings are part of grief for a lot of us.

Oh how I wish my feelings would obey the commands of my 165 IQ. Life could be so simple in all my logical superiority!

Alas...
The heart goes where it goes. Logic, intelligence and perceptions of cultural oughts hold no dominion over matters of the heart. The harder I try to make my feelings behave like I think they ought, the more unmanageable and illogical those feelings become. Worse yet is when I try to make them behave like other folks think they ought. Beating myself up over it only makes those feelings more rebellious. I might as well be beating my son for not being a daughter.

What should you do with your feelings? Mine seem to flow more readily if I simply feel them and go willingly wherever they take me. The more I do this, the more I discover the world is even more wondrous than anything an impressive IQ can imagine.

For what it is worth, I can surely imagine being pissed with a capital P if I lost someone like that. What does "deserve" have to do with it?

Keep venting, Cecil. Open honesty is always a good start.

i lost my mom last year and my bf of 5 yrs this year. the grief is overwhelming at times. just feel what you feel, release your grief k
hugs stay busy too hope that helps

You may be remembering only the bad things because the good things might hurt too much.

Same way I'd get in a huge fight with my college roommate just before we'd leave for the summer- to make it easier...

When I feel that way, I journal, write a poem or go for a run. Giving a voice to your emotions can really help to contain them and make sense of them.

When I run, I go for 45 mins to an hour. After about 30 minutes, my mind seems to open up and I allow myself some stream of consciousness thoughts to come in. It's amazing what kind of revelations come to me that I never would be able to get otherwise. (But I don't run with music- it blocks the thoughts.) Must be the endorphins. I'm convinced I'd not be the same.

Thank you all for your insights and support. Arfie, I smiled when I read your response because I was told a couple of years ago that I should just allow myself to feel and accept it.
I love my boxes. I keep them neatly stacked and when my mental boxes get disturbed it turns into a frantic rush to put them back in order.
I will give some consideration to posting in the grief support group. I just hate to burst into a group of mourning people with my guns of rage a blazing.....
As far as counseling is concerned; I have just started counseling. We have met once so here's hoping it is a good fit. Of course he had the audacity to take a vacation this week! (sarcasm)
I can't remember if I have read Death and Dying. I will look into it. Maybe I will learn that I'm not such a soulless freak after all.
Thanks again everyone!

I think its ok to feel the way you do. I went through it myself when my mother passed in 2001. We had fought that night, she called all the siblings and said "I love you" but not me as we were arguing. She said she'd go out with a bang and then 911 happened. I gave myself permission to feel POED. I think you should too. It will pass and yes the reads suggested might just help as well. Peace

If you do post about it in the grief and support group, you just might find you are not alone there, either. On the other hand, does it really matter where you work it through? Here is as good a place as any.

Keep venting, Cecil.

Ok....wow. I finally summoned up the courage to post in the Widow/widower's group and I immediately received this PM

"Hi! did you know you posted in the widow/widower's group?"
Maybe I phrased my post wrong. I know that most of them are really struggling with grief and I understand and didn't mean to offend. but seriously WTF???
I responded with: "Was I not supposed to?...or something to that effect. I haven't received an answer. I guess I shouldn't have posted.

What did you post???

I'd try not to take the PM personally. Give it some time and maybe you'll get some affirming responses.

You are grieving an abuser.
Conflicted by the fact of it being your spouse. I just passed the anniversary of my first husbands death. I still suffer flashbacks/anxiety and panic attacks from it and I will forever be in pain for. I cringed when my daughter was immortalizing him as the great Dad beyond compare. I could not even offer her comfort, and I felt the need to withdraw away from it. Here.

Deli, in the movie "The Razor's Edge" actor Bill Murray has a scene in which he loses his best friend in WWI in combat. It hurts too much, so the eulogy he presents at the memorial for his buddy is shockingly negative. The film makes it clear, though, what his motives are. They're exactly like what you said in your post earlier here. Sometimes at first our grief comes out in anger or disgust at the person we lost and it's for good reason.

Great insight. It really helped me with the loss of my best friend when we were both just 31 years old. I was a pallbearer at his funeral at his mom's request. But inside it was too traumatic for me at that moment to do any more than perform that gesture. I was just really angry with him still at that point. That movie helped me be gentle with myself about that and not think I was wrong as much as we each have our own timing with those Kubler Ross stages somebody mentioned.

Jewels....what gave you the impression he was an abuser?

Accept whatever you're feeling as ok...