Not losing it. You are amazingly clear on your own thoughts, what is going on around you, and sort of the whole process. Even with that, it makes sense for this whole thing to feel out of control. I know "out of control" isn't a good way to feel, just sounds normal in light of the circimstance.

If you don't feel safe (as in that thinking about suicide has gone into planning it), please pull in some help immediately. This could be a hotline (R.A.I.N.N. has an online hotline) or help at an emergency room if need be. I know I suggested that before, but it's important.

As impossible as it seems, you can get through this, and eventually you will feel better. You are a strong, bright woman and it matters that you get the help you need to pull through. Please keep reaching out- Guayaba

Like guayaba says, I find your description of your thoughts and treatment to be very clear. But like guayaba says, too, I'd take advantage of that clarity now to tap into resources regarding safety and thoughts of death. I'm not afraid of death, but I have a healthy respect for how with PTSD a spiral about it can begin. It's been 12 years now since I had one, but boy. The worst part was that I let it go until the only help I got was from strangers on a weekend in the hospital, and they were none too gentle with me. An ounce of prevention would have been worth a pound of that cure. Keep us posted.

No...you just have a lot of overwhelming stuff going on right now. Make another apt with your doctor and see if your meds need to be adjusted.

As for wanting to die...I think that is normal when we feel cornered and overwhelmed. I get those thoughts from time to time, and when it got to be to much I checked into the hospital. There I got the help I needed and it set me on a path of recovery. If you think you may act on your thoughts, go to the hospital. There is no shame in asking for help. It was the best thing I ever did and the one thing that helped me the most. The hospital is a safe place where you can isolate yourself from the pressures of the world until you regroup. For me it stopped the problems from getting to me.

You are at a bit of a low point, but remember there will be high points. Try and focus on something else, paint, journal, etc.

I get thoughts and feelings like that frequently...almost every day when I'm in a down cycle.

I agree with Jen, focus on the fact that, as one counselor told me, we don't have a crystal ball to see the future. Look back on your life....did it unfold just the way you expected it to do? Of course not, it never does. So understand that we don't know what our future will be, none of us do.

Isn't it just possible that it could be very good, this future of yours? Try to see life's trials as temporary things we can get through, not terminal conditions we can never escape.

My twenties were a mess, I wouldn't want to relive them. So I know how it feels. Hang in there.

I like that, Richie. PTSD is an anxiety disorder, and it's easy for me to draw anxiety from the future's uncerntainty. But the uncertainty could mean good things in my future, too. Thanks for that.