I am kind of freaking out right now. These past couple of days I have been really lethargic and not wanting to do anything, besides the usual. But right now, i feel like i am not here and not supposed to belong here. My emotions do not match up with my reality and i feel really depressed. My nephews are here for the weekend and i just feel like this is not my environment. My stomach gets all knotty, thoughts scattered everywhere, and one of old best friends is mad at me because she still thinks i have remained friends with everybody else except her but I have not; have not spoken to them in months.

I am upset at myself because i feel like I should be talking to God and praying but then, my mind is just loose. I don't know but I guess this is what dissociation feels like or is? I know God is not mad at me but then I think one thing and then I get upset at myself. This is not the first time it has happened. A couple of months ago i was at my old church, left because i wasn't understanding what was happening to me. It was like I tried to remain strong, struggled for like 2 months or so then I just left it. God led me to this Christian center that I am currently attending and this week, I feel like I hit another bump; Idk what but its like my mind tries to forget what happened, everything is all okay around me but I know that its not and neither am I. Is anybody getting what I am saying?

Its like I am on this website every single day and its the main source of connection i have with ppl. I have been feeling like, is this it? Is this the way its gonna be? I know I don't have much support from my own home, the feeling of loneliness gets so overwhelming. I guess i am just feeling frustrated and out of place. As time has passed by here, i just feel like I am also.