Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I don't know. Maybe its me thinking it or not but, have you ever had days where it was just totally quiet and you are also? I know that PTSD affects the quality of relationships with those around you and with me, it's perfectly evident. But then i start to think a lot, more than usual and then wonder, " am I wrong to feel this way?" These days i find myself barely saying a word to those around me but truth is, i just don't know what to tell or speak.
Today was one of those days where I was staring at old pictures, crying about them because I was always remembered as the bubbly, happy girl and now its like- damn. I have the feeling that I am just severely depressed and I just don't want to talk. Then i spoke with my sis and I just felt more horrible.
I look at everybody's stories and I know that all of our traumas and hurts are different but bring the same commonality: PTSD or C-PTSD. I think of God and I have no words to say. I was feeling horrible last night, i thought i had chest pains but that wasn't it. I thought, " is this the only way they will see my hurts?" my mom took care of me like a little girl and I am not gonna lie, i felt like a little girl again.
I think of: oh, am I pleasing God today? Did I say the right words? I am more open with the Lord and you guys than my own family or friends. My head has been wrapped around this cloud of doubts, sadness, and certain days, i just don't know how to take all this in. I know my conditions. I realize and I am aware. Yet, i feel like I just dont know what to do with myself. During the day, i am not myself. My energy is low and I just sit around, watch tv, do some research, listen to music. Night time, well, all of us deal with that.
I don't know what I am feeling. I don't know what I am thinking. I am just tired of all of this. I really dont find the words to say. More days than not, this guilt and shame is overwhelming....
Today was one of those days where I was staring at old pictures, crying about them because I was always remembered as the bubbly, happy girl and now its like- damn. I have the feeling that I am just severely depressed and I just don't want to talk. Then i spoke with my sis and I just felt more horrible.
I look at everybody's stories and I know that all of our traumas and hurts are different but bring the same commonality: PTSD or C-PTSD. I think of God and I have no words to say. I was feeling horrible last night, i thought i had chest pains but that wasn't it. I thought, " is this the only way they will see my hurts?" my mom took care of me like a little girl and I am not gonna lie, i felt like a little girl again.
I think of: oh, am I pleasing God today? Did I say the right words? I am more open with the Lord and you guys than my own family or friends. My head has been wrapped around this cloud of doubts, sadness, and certain days, i just don't know how to take all this in. I know my conditions. I realize and I am aware. Yet, i feel like I just dont know what to do with myself. During the day, i am not myself. My energy is low and I just sit around, watch tv, do some research, listen to music. Night time, well, all of us deal with that.
I don't know what I am feeling. I don't know what I am thinking. I am just tired of all of this. I really dont find the words to say. More days than not, this guilt and shame is overwhelming....
-
Lately I've been feeling scared and full of anxiety. I recently found a lump under my nipple. I hurt my back too. I'm in the process of moving. I'm run down. Everything is hard
-
Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
I know I want a different job. I know where my passion lies. I'm seeing clearly what I do not want in friendships and relationships and it leaves me feeling a little picky, or snobbish, but there are contacts in my life that are seriously not healthy and I am very OK with putting a stop to them, even though it leaves me very, very alone. Alone is much much better than being triggered with craziness and taut, tense, volatility.
I am not sure how to build a new life, but I'm determined to do so. I know I want gentle and healthy and growth and I desire to find friends who either desire the same or give me room and understanding that I need gentle and calm right now.
The energy is a problem - because in taking care of ourselves, sometimes it is necessary to withdraw from a planned event or commitment, and that is hard of those who do not understand PTSD to process. They don't get the fatigue, nor do they get the seriousness of our need for calm and gentle.
I could push through and pretend to be OK in high tense atmospheres, but the aftermath could take days of recovery. I know that. They do not understand that.
I think, simply, I would call this learning to set boundaries. Learning to love myself and take care of me.
The fatigue - though, brings with it a heavy depression and hopelessness.
I forget that I just can't push myself like that anymore. I don't become aware at times that God knows what I have been through and what I have endured, that I begin to feel even more guilty when I am trying and nothing happens.
I feel the same way you do. I am very alone. Not many friends around. Complete isolation from those around me. I know what relationships are not healthy for me. I guess its the emotional fatigue. It brings big time depression and hopelessness.
When I let a fact be a fact and a feeling be a feeling, I find my obsessive thoughts are not thoughts at all. They are feelings my mind is trying to justify. When I am able to remove the compulsive justification, I can simply let them wash over me before they wash back into the ocean. I do not need to name each and every wave. I need only sit quietly and let it do its thing before it goes.
I cant even say how much I can relate to the feeling of not being seen unless theres something physically wrong. Hell that feeling was what all my addiction and ED etc still propels me today in the back of my mind I have to fight that thought. In my experience people who really pay attention to those around them and understand these things are a definite minority.
I know in these past months when I started to barricade myself in my room and not leave for whole days, the best thing I could do is just force myself to go out, however uncomfortable that was. I would usually come back feeling at least a smidgen better.
You sound like you roominate, just like me. (I have no idea how to spell that). If I dont really keep myself busy I just think about my problems over and over and over again far too extensively and it leads me to bad places.
When I get really stuck with nothing to do to get myself up, I try to think back for things that I had always wanted to do but never got a chance to. And then do that. If at all possible. Even if it feels like I wont enjoy anything I used to, take a leap knowing that I had wanted that before for a reason.
Currently Im trying to coordinate with my friend whose going to take me out on his motorcycle, for example. It just dawned on me the other day that I always wanted to ride one so bad, and crap how can i have reached my 20s and never done that??
Its okay to feel lost sometimes.
Twilightstar, im glad we can relate. So much of my time is spent trying to do things to occupy my time( though i don't enjoy them as I used to) and/or i spent it being alone, almost 24/7. Its not joyful.
I remember that i spoke to my sister yesterday about how i felt the night before( got really sick) and she was telling me that I needed to take things easy, watch my attitude because she didn't like it. that was a bother and a trigger.
Getting sick physically is the only way my family will see my condition, that's the freaking sad part. It becomes the only source of attraction for them. Tears and physical sickness are the main things ppl are attracted to... roominating, if that's even a word, is something usual for me. It takes a lot for me to get out. I acknowledge this part of my life- if i sit around for too long and not do something, my mind spins rapidly and goes off the ledge...thank you for making me feel not guilty and reminding me of God's grace for me...
dbpalm, you are so welcome. I knew that preaching would get to ya. That's exactly how i felt when i first heard it. Its good to hear it sometimes as a reminder of what you have been through and when u feel like you not doing "enough" for God... God totally understands; its US who don't.