Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
hi there. i'm new to this group. i am not diagnosed with ptsd, but i don't know how else to describe my experiences.
some history behind why i am here: i just recently ended a relationship with someone who i am fairly certain had borderline personality disorder. the relationship alternated from a state of intense passion and the most amazing love i have ever felt to him spiraling suddenly into a rage, triggered by his intense fears of abandonment. i was compassionate for his feelings, but i never really knew when he would get triggered. when it happened he essentially turned into another person. he never physically caused me any harm, but he would spit vile insults, invalidate my love, try to tear my self-esteem to shreds, and then vanish for a couple days, swearing it was all over. i know, it's hard if you aren't familiar with the disorder to understand why someone would stay with a person like this, but to put it simply, my love for him was too strong not to try. he was such a wonderful person, but he had a crippling disorder. finally he has admitted he has a problem, but he won't seek help, and i can't stay in this any longer.
if i didn't fully acknowledge or validate an experience of his it could lead to a rage. or an intense conflict. which left me feeling very edgy for prolonged periods of time, particularly when we were living together in a tiny apartment. at one point we were both working from home, and my whole life was exposure to his volatility. when i finally started working outside the home, i constantly felt like people at work were mad at me. i am still putting in more than sufficient effort to make sure that i validate the feelings and experiences of people i talk to, be they customers, coworkers, friends, or otherwise. this isn't necessarily a bad characteristic to have developed, except that i go home and freak out that i didn't do enough. i will feel miserable and guilty and anxious for hours at home for one or two words exchanged at work that the other person has probably long since forgotten about. i try to talk myself out of it, but i can't. i take a lot of herbal relaxation supplements like kava and passion flower...
i also can't get his voice out of my head. he was so afraid of being abandoned that he imposed all sorts of irrational ideas upon me about when and where and what i should do in certain social situations. it's hard to sum up in this post, but because people with BPD can be very manipulative, and because our lives were so enmeshed, i did find myself influenced by him a great deal, even when i knew what was logical. now when i am in social situations i often become anxious for no apparent reason, but i attribute it to the pattern i was living where whenever i did something on my own it could trigger an immense emotional disaster. essentially, one could say that i was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
i'm not exactly sure that this is a mild form of ptsd, but i don't know what else it could be. sometimes the anxiety is so painful it manifests itself into physical discomfort, and i feel as though i might start convulsing.
i'm not much of a therapy person, i'm just looking for people to talk to who understand this...
some history behind why i am here: i just recently ended a relationship with someone who i am fairly certain had borderline personality disorder. the relationship alternated from a state of intense passion and the most amazing love i have ever felt to him spiraling suddenly into a rage, triggered by his intense fears of abandonment. i was compassionate for his feelings, but i never really knew when he would get triggered. when it happened he essentially turned into another person. he never physically caused me any harm, but he would spit vile insults, invalidate my love, try to tear my self-esteem to shreds, and then vanish for a couple days, swearing it was all over. i know, it's hard if you aren't familiar with the disorder to understand why someone would stay with a person like this, but to put it simply, my love for him was too strong not to try. he was such a wonderful person, but he had a crippling disorder. finally he has admitted he has a problem, but he won't seek help, and i can't stay in this any longer.
if i didn't fully acknowledge or validate an experience of his it could lead to a rage. or an intense conflict. which left me feeling very edgy for prolonged periods of time, particularly when we were living together in a tiny apartment. at one point we were both working from home, and my whole life was exposure to his volatility. when i finally started working outside the home, i constantly felt like people at work were mad at me. i am still putting in more than sufficient effort to make sure that i validate the feelings and experiences of people i talk to, be they customers, coworkers, friends, or otherwise. this isn't necessarily a bad characteristic to have developed, except that i go home and freak out that i didn't do enough. i will feel miserable and guilty and anxious for hours at home for one or two words exchanged at work that the other person has probably long since forgotten about. i try to talk myself out of it, but i can't. i take a lot of herbal relaxation supplements like kava and passion flower...
i also can't get his voice out of my head. he was so afraid of being abandoned that he imposed all sorts of irrational ideas upon me about when and where and what i should do in certain social situations. it's hard to sum up in this post, but because people with BPD can be very manipulative, and because our lives were so enmeshed, i did find myself influenced by him a great deal, even when i knew what was logical. now when i am in social situations i often become anxious for no apparent reason, but i attribute it to the pattern i was living where whenever i did something on my own it could trigger an immense emotional disaster. essentially, one could say that i was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
i'm not exactly sure that this is a mild form of ptsd, but i don't know what else it could be. sometimes the anxiety is so painful it manifests itself into physical discomfort, and i feel as though i might start convulsing.
i'm not much of a therapy person, i'm just looking for people to talk to who understand this...
Often times we seek relationships that are familiar to our innerchild , so if I was a therapist, which I'm not, I would ask about your childhood experiences.
Regardless, you will need to heal from current trauma and also make sure you inner child doesn't lead you into any more unhealthy relationships.... but this is just my opinion.
I wish you the best.
Trauma can be emotional as well as physical, and is sometimes inflicted unintentionally by people who are quite unwell themselves. It doesn't matter the intention, it is the resulting trauma that needs to be addressed.
I can also understand your discomfort at needing to pull away from someone you cared about although they were unwell. But you need to protect your own emotional health and heal from the fear he subjected you to.
i would like to be able to relax, but i just feel so physically tense all the time. i started getting massages, and i'm hoping this will help. i'm trying to decombust, to process my whole experience, to understand that i'm not in it anymore. but i am. i'm still in it. and my ex and i aren't even talking anymore.
Particularly if you have insurance you should talk to your medical doc about what you are experiencing and see if you can find a therapist who is a trauma specialist.
PTSD symptoms can be persistent and you will need to understand them and work to dial them back. If you don't address this directly it can balloon up on you even more.
Your experience of expecting more bad stuff to happen is a very common one. Don't let it begin to get the upper hand and make you feel afraid to live your life.
I hope you find yourself again, we sort of get lost along the way.