What choices did you make that means you should be abused? I dont understand. Did you actually say to your abuser, please, abuse me at will, any way you like? If you are being abused, this is the place for you - everyone deserves support.

no questions just that you belong here,

We've all made choices in life that weren't the best choices.
No matter what we've done, we don't deserve to be abused.

You should be here no matter what you've done.

Thanks for the replies and support. I tend to self -blame and punish myself since the failure of my marriage more than anything and I just do not know why I can't get past it. It has been over 12 years ago. Perhaps because my ex never moved on in the traditional sense, remarrying or even getting a serious girlfriend. He isolates, he is in a deep depression still and well neither of us had children so I guess it is hard for me to move on as well. I have yet to remarry and doubt that I will. I just feel that I had my chance at it and if it was meant to be, we would still be together.
I wish me and my ex could at the least be civil, but he resents, blames and even hates me at times. I wish I could make it all better, but I can't.
I never said to an abuser that to please abuse me or even that I deserve it, but my mind frame is geared that way. The first violent abusers that I was in short term relationships with after my failed marriage really had no idea about the ex husband as to tell a significant other about my painful past tends to draw them and if they know your weaknessess, they play on them later.
The abuser that I would say was as close to a narcissist as I have ever read up on, told me that " Whatever you put out there, you will get back, Karma times ten. "
I had told him of my infidility in my marriage at a weak point and that was his answer. Everytime we would break up and he would go to lure me back either through guilt, he is sick, his kids are sick, he did not realize what he was doing, etc..or through a false sweetness, I miss you, I haven't been with anyone since you, only I ever understood you, my boys miss you. Then he would bring up the mistake I made years ago, our any other mistakes I had made.
I am so deeply ashamed of not honoring my vows as I was brought up a strict Catholic. I can't take back what I did and I can't fix how my ex husband feels or the tragic pattern his life has taken as well, so I guess that is why I have to wonder if I deserve anything but abuse or abusive men that cheat on me?
Karma seems to be winning.

Hi Joanie, I'm a relative newbie. I don't think life means never making mistakes. Far from it. What matters is what we learn and continue to grow and thrive. It sounds like you're reflective about what happened, and that always has value. It sounds like there has been abuse in your life, but if you are trying understand and heal from the relationships you have had, you are definitely in the right place. Part of you probably feels this is the right place, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. Don't worry about whether everything is exactly right. Just set your intentions. You will get lots of support and insight here.

once they abuse you-all bets are OFF!

don't beat yourself up or blame yourself because your ex abuser hasn't moved on.

don't bash yourself over your infidelity. we are here on earth to make mistakes and to learn from them. if you were perfect, believe me, you wouldn't be here on this planet.

I can totally see how easy it would be to become unfaithful during an abusive relationship. abusers withhold affection, both physical and emotional, and we suffer for it, and some of us go out in search of something meaningful (or it finds us!!)

lots of women on this board have been where you have been.

you are NOT abusive, and you DO belong here.

What they all said. It sounds like, in order to move on to a healthy life, you probably need to work on forgiving yourself and letting go of some of the shame and guilt. Sure, being unfaithful to your husband wasn't a good thing. But we have all, every one of us on this planet (other than those who are so narcissistic/sociopathic/otherwise damaged as to be incapable of looking at themselves honestly) done things we are not proud of. But think back on all the things you forgave at various times with your abusers. Are you not worthy of just a little of that forgiveness yourself?

And secondly, I want to repeat that there is NOTHING you can do that "earns" abuse. Nothing. Even our abusers don't deserve to be abused (though I'll admit that it would be a fun irony to watch it happen). Nobody deserves abuse. And certainly you don't deserve a lifetime of abuse from a range of different people based on one mistake you made which may or may not have hurt one ex.

Mistakes, whatever they may be,
don't condemn us to
a destiny of being abused.


We are all entitled to
satisfaction and happiness.

LOVE YOURSELF.

(Most bonafide abusers
don't step up and take
responsibility for
being abusive. Most
of the time, those who
raise their hands and
accept their mistakes
in life
are NOT abusers.

And as far as
marriage vows
and abuse:

Abuse
BREAKS the CONTRACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You didn't dishonor your vows.
HE did when
he abused you.

I appreciate everyone's kindness and support. I guess I have never seen my marriage as abusive, not in the way as what has happened to me when I was a child ( much worse) or since, in dating some pretty mean men. My ex husband never laid a hand on me, he never cheated on me to my knowledge, lied to me, stole from me, or called me names.
He was withdrawn and he did withhold affection quite a bit, but I knew he was that way getting in the marriage. He also did not like to work, even choosing not to cook, clean or yardwork, but again, I knew this going in. So, I guess, I feel I should of left the marriage in a better way. He did trust me, to a fault, as he said and I broke that trust.
That was a form of abuse on my part.
I realize that I do need to do a ton of work on me.
I of course did not mean to imply that others should be abused. I was only speaking for myself and my guilt and shame. Sorry if I implied that.
Thank you again everyone.

Marrying someone
and then
withholding affection
is abusive.

Commiting to marry
someone is founded
on a promise to
love and cherish.

To make that promise
and then
withhold ----
is abuse.

we all blame ourselves, me included, I wasn't great when he started with that sob woman....not great at all, but God would not have wanted me to cry the rest of my life.

I appreciate everyone's kindness and support. I guess I have never seen my marriage as abusive, not in the way as what has happened to me when I was a child ( much worse) or since, in dating some pretty mean men. My ex husband never laid a hand on me, he never cheated on me to my knowledge, lied to me, stole from me, or called me names.
He was withdrawn and he did withhold affection quite a bit, but I knew he was that way getting in the marriage. He also did not like to work, even choosing not to cook, clean or yardwork, but again, I knew this going in. So, I guess, I feel I should of left the marriage in a better way. He did trust me, to a fault, as he said and I broke that trust.
That was a form of abuse on my part.
I realize that I do need to do a ton of work on me.
I of course did not mean to imply that others should be abused. I was only speaking for myself and my guilt and shame. Sorry if I implied that.
Thank you again everyone.

I appreciate everyone's kindness and support. I guess I have never seen my marriage as abusive, not in the way as what has happened to me when I was a child ( much worse) or since, in dating some pretty mean men. My ex husband never laid a hand on me, he never cheated on me to my knowledge, lied to me, stole from me, or called me names.
He was withdrawn and he did withhold affection quite a bit, but I knew he was that way getting in the marriage. He also did not like to work, even choosing not to cook, clean or yardwork, but again, I knew this going in. So, I guess, I feel I should of left the marriage in a better way. He did trust me, to a fault, as he said and I broke that trust.
That was a form of abuse on my part.
I realize that I do need to do a ton of work on me.
I of course did not mean to imply that others should be abused. I was only speaking for myself and my guilt and shame. Sorry if I implied that.
Thank you again everyone.

I appreciate everyone's kindness and support. I guess I have never seen my marriage as abusive, not in the way as what has happened to me when I was a child ( much worse) or since, in dating some pretty mean men. My ex husband never laid a hand on me, he never cheated on me to my knowledge, lied to me, stole from me, or called me names.
He was withdrawn and he did withhold affection quite a bit, but I knew he was that way getting in the marriage. He also did not like to work, even choosing not to cook, clean or yardwork, but again, I knew this going in. So, I guess, I feel I should of left the marriage in a better way. He did trust me, to a fault, as he said and I broke that trust.
That was a form of abuse on my part.
I realize that I do need to do a ton of work on me.
I of course did not mean to imply that others should be abused. I was only speaking for myself and my guilt and shame. Sorry if I implied that.
Thank you again everyone.

I appreciate everyone's kindness and support. I guess I have never seen my marriage as abusive, not in the way as what has happened to me when I was a child ( much worse) or since, in dating some pretty mean men. My ex husband never laid a hand on me, he never cheated on me to my knowledge, lied to me, stole from me, or called me names.
He was withdrawn and he did withhold affection quite a bit, but I knew he was that way getting in the marriage. He also did not like to work, even choosing not to cook, clean or yardwork, but again, I knew this going in. So, I guess, I feel I should of left the marriage in a better way. He did trust me, to a fault, as he said and I broke that trust.
That was a form of abuse on my part.
I realize that I do need to do a ton of work on me.
I of course did not mean to imply that others should be abused. I was only speaking for myself and my guilt and shame. Sorry if I implied that.
Thank you again everyone.