I struggle with the concept of forgiveness, first because there are so many definitions of it. Second because I haven't learned to forgive myself. And, I think that's going to be way harder than forgiving him.

Here's where I'm at...

I think forgiveness is not about the transgressor. It's about me. It's about whether I want to continue to carry the pain & hurt & anger and his toxicity with me.

Should I get to the point of letting go (forgiving) it will only happen within me and maybe said to my therapist. I will NOT tell my abuser because he is not capable of comprehending it on my terms (i.e. how I meant it). And I'm sure not going to give him any more ammunition to undermine me to my children and other people.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and I will do anything to get this toxic shit out of me because I know it's affecting my emotional, spiritual and physical health. If, among other things, it takes me forgiving him, then I will work toward that end.

There are times I think I'm on the verge of forgiving him (certainly feeling sorry for his miserable ass) but then something happens and I find out he's still being a total dickwad and those feelings of benevolence fly right out the window...

So for now, I'm working on me & that process includes plenty of other things besides forgiving him.

When I was struggling with this someone said to me well, it took God 2000 years to send Jesus to forgive us. :-) Man, I better be careful, I'm probably going to get struck by lightning or something.

I think that you cannot forgive until you are pretty much healed and I don't think they deserve forgiveness until they own up to what they did. I choose to show what forgiveness I ahve mustered up by not by making a statement but just being a kind and civil person toward him.

In my mind, a big issue at this point is that my husband can't forgive himself. Sometimes he is so distubed by what he did that he can't even process it. It will not be until he can deal with it and forgive himself that we can heal our relationship.

Then as someone else mentioned is forgiving yourself. I'm not proud of some of the ways i dealt with my relationship (mainly cheating) and I now have to deal with the fall out from that.

I'm not well versed in the Bible but it seems you can twist anything in it to mean what you want it too so get creative! On a more serious note, I woudl focus on all of those old testatment stories. Jesus may have been all fogiving but God most certainly had no problem with making anyone, guilty or innocent, suffer.


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forgiveness, anger, hate & resentment are 4 seprate emotions.

My abuser has not came to me and listed the things that he had done to & against me. He hasn't shown any remorse. In fact he abuses other woman in his life.
God knows Ill never forgive him until he confess his abuse.

I never felt hate. Iv dislike things people do but hate someone I haven't.

Anger was a good motivator. It propelled me into doing all that I needed to do for myself.

Resentment that I had when married. I resented haveing to learn as he thinks inorder to communicate and understand where he's coming from.
I resented that having to learn such crap it would effect how I think. Darn his hide.

What other people request that I do for thier own -whatever, I could care less.
People learnt real fast not tell me to get over it...

The 4 emotions didn't effect my happiness and joy I find in life.
Correction I was filled w resentment when I was married but that left the day I signed my name on divorce papers.

Simply tell your friends to quite talking to your bk side, for it cant hear but if they keep sticking thier nose where it not welcome -will your butt has been known to talk back.

I pity my Ex because he is a pathetic fool. I do not forgive him because he will go on to do the same as he always has. It is simply not my problem anymore. It is between him and his God whether he is forgiven or not.
It's not up to me.

I ask God to do the forgiving for me, through me - only in this way is it possible.
I also pray for God's will in his life daily.
It sounds like you need a safe place to vent your hurts - a good counselor? Anger is a normal and healthy response to abuse.

This is what was said to me here by a member......Don't feel alone people love to feel superior by telling you to be pious, as if we don't feel bad already, then WE the victims are the villans for not forgiving....

If you're not in a forgiving mood now, when will you ever be? It's not like lightning is gonna strike you one day and you'll suddenly feel like forgiving them. You have to force yourself to do that.

Forgiveness has NOTHING To do with taking him back or condoning the behavior - it is more like cancelling a check, it is letting the person being forgiven be responsible for his part, and not holding on to it any longer - it is letting go of the defense, it is releasing him and his defense, it is letting an unconditional loving God / higher power in us love this person regardless of their offense.

Forgivness rescues the offended and frees the offender of the offense and the offender - it is to make us feel better, and does not in any way have anything to do with the offender - it is a willingness to release the pain and hurt associated with the offense, it is all in willingness to forgive.

If we can do something nice for the person who has offended us with NO expectation of anything in return, we are healed.

If we can acknowlege and release our expectations that the offender had done something different that we wanted, and acknowledge instead what was done, and to release him to his highest Good, and know that God loves him regardless of his offense, and seek to let God do that through us.

I read this regarding trauma, and any kind of abuse is trauma.......This is so true, people who have not gone what you have gone through or have in incredible ability for EMPATHY, do NOT know what to say....and here a Doc comments on about such people..

normalizes the subjective experience of the survivor. One of the most important things she articulates is the phenomenon of "secondary victimization." In brief, secondary victimization results from the well-meaning but damaging responses of your friends and loved ones to your trauma. Often, these ignorant reactions amplify the original trauma and complicate, or completely prohibit, healing.

Corrections -
it is letting go of the offense, it is releasing him and his offense...
Forgiveness rescues the offended and frees the offended of the offense and the offender...

Am not God. My formor jerk doesnt need my forgiveness. Iam happy and healthy and content in my life.

My formor jerk woman is more of controlling jerk than he was/is. Prayers are answered,lol.

I don't and won't forgive him, am not God.

It's funny Admiral how your ex has a controlling woman in his life. I think all abusers should know what it is like to have someone controlling in their lives. I bet they don't like it one bit. LOL.

i think forgiveness is not for everyone or that we can forgive but not forget - i grew up in the typical dysfunctional catholic family - i grew up believing that to forgive someone was to give them absolution from how they have treated me - last year i reversed the term forgiveness to mean that when i forgive i am not saying what someone did is right it actually places the responsibility and shame back on the person i forgive - i know it sounds skewed but it helped me alot - so in forgiving we acknowledge that what the othe person did was wrong - they own that action it was wrong it is there responsibility to correct not mine but theres - it freed alot of energy up for me - hope that makes sense - thanks jd :-)

Anger is a normal healthy stage.

Forgiveness will come on its own when u feel like it.