WOW, That sounds like something I have said over and over again. I tooo am at the crossroads with that. The divorce counseling group that I was in said that it is an act. If you want me to I will send it to you. It helped me, but nooooooooooooooo, I am not at the meaning it part!

Forgiveness is like a flower.

It grows and it opens when it's ready to grow and open. It happens when it's supposed to happen.

And when it doesn't or it does aint nobody's business but YOURS.

Hi, I am sure this wont make me very popular lol but oh well...I am not slightly religious in the popular realm of things. I am a student in the Wicca. Learning and loving it. Finaly something makes sense to me.

Having aired that, ..

I have never forgiven my ex. I will never forgive my ex. I believe that forgiveness to these guys translates to permission. They have to be held accountable. I am not a bitter, angry, person. I am actually quite happy now with my life. I relish in all the good things and freedoms. I treat it all as a kind of rebirth, a new life and beginning. I did not forgive him, but I did forgive me. I was so hard on me. The why didnt i see this coming, how did i let this happen, blah blah,..

If anyone deserves forgiveness it's you. Do not beat yourself up over it, learn from it, accept that it happened, heal and enjoy life.

Hi Paige,
This kind of is in the same catagory as those who say, 'just get over it and move on', 'why don't you just leave', and 'why can't you just forgive him'...They say these things because they just don't GET IT.
Here is an exerpt from Kathy Krajco's website:
"Because forgiveness is for the repentant. To hand it out to the unrepentant is like going up to your neighbor on trash-collection day and saying, "Here, I'll trade you this 12-carot diamond ring for that little baggie of doggie-do."

Abusers RARELY are truly repentant. Unfortunately, people are giving you NORMAL advice geared toward a NORMAL break up.

She also says:
"I think I'm beginning to get it. This "forgiveness" business is just "letting him get away with it."
It's bad enough to be unable to do so, but don't try to tell me that I have no right to want to do so."

Put on your blinders to the critisizm, well meaning or not. The only person to forgive is yourself, that is, if you have any bad feelings connected to yourself for being the victim.

THANK YOU for this post.
I was told the same thing about my abusive sisters here by a member.She told me "You have to FORCE yourself to forgive"........

Forgivness is NOT for everyone, if it helps some people good for them, for me trying to forgive only revictimizes me.

You can say that again, CALMZONE thanks for it.

"Because forgiveness is for the repentant. To hand it out to the unrepentant is like going up to your neighbor on trash-collection day and saying, "Here, I'll trade you this 12-carot diamond ring for that little baggie of doggie-do."

They DO NOT deserve forgivness.

Paige... It took me a long time to even begin to forgive my x. My hate for him held me captive in the same angry spot day after day. I just couldn't get past it. I still get angry at him... Like when a male co worker gets into my personal space and it gets hard for me to breathe. Its like fear jumps up into my throat. I get angry at Kenny because he made me this way but if I continue to stay this way, I am allowing his abuse to continue.

Its not so bad anymore. I have let go of alot of the anger and hurt. The more I forgive myself and him for what happened to me, I take another step forward, I heal a little more. I can't let him take the rest of my life from me. It is mine and I want to live it.

Hugs to you. Forgiveness will come when you are ready and until then, keep getting it out.

NOt forgiving doesn't mean that you're dwalling on the hate and anger either.

The way i see it is like accidets, i got into an "accident" and was born to a family of nuts, and a evil sister.

I don't have to dwell on the hate about them, anymore than i would have to dwell on an accident that happened to me.

I ran into some fucked up people, it happen, shit happens,and life goes on.But forgivness who cares?? Just live your life from this point on ward, when you think about them, think "That's some @##^&%$ SOB i ran into, gland is over" ......

Amiko,
i got into an "accident" and was born to a family of nuts.

I used to say all the time I was switched at birth. I have even asked my mom "where is my real family".

He didn't deserve forgiveness, but I deserve to be at peace.

If you are a Christian this article might help a little. I have struggled with this very issue at times. It's a long read but read it till the end. I found it to be insightful and a different take on the usual stuff I hear from people. you can also type in google search the words "forgiveness unrepentant abuse" and it will pull up some differing views on the subject that might help. I liked how he described the unrepentant abuser as like the 3rd thief on the cross who God did not forgive.
http://www.harvestnet.org/articles/4dForgiveness-2.htm
I am still on the fence about the forgiveness thing sometimes but I know how you feel.

You are right no one has walked in your shoes but you. It is up to you if you want to forgive or not. It is a process that takes long for some and shorter time than others. Some don't ever forgive. Only you know what type of hell you been through at the hands of a monster so sis take all the time you need. Take care.

As I just said in another post, I think forgiveness is overrated in healing. For me, it's earned. And to earn it a person has to recognize what he did, feel true remorse and regret for it, and do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to repair the damage.

No chance my ex is gonna do any of that.

I am in a place of indifference to him. I don't wish him ill, I don't wish him well, I don't wish him anything. Except that he leave me alone.

I do think we need to let go of the anger, and the hurt, in order to heal, but that's not the same as forgiving, at least not in my book. For me, what he did is in the past, and I give the past no power over me now. Letting go enables me to move forward, to reclaim my life, and create a new life of joy....

Forgiveness? When he earns it....not until.

I totally agree with llene and others.

You will move at your own pace and get there if and when you choose to get there.

Don't allow anyone to get to you and tell you that you are a bad Christian. Part of Christianity is not to judge others.

Hugs!