If abusers weren't needing connection (as do most human beings), they wouldn't pursue romance. While courting, they'll say and do whatever it takes to get a partner.

Once gotten, there's little need (from the abuser's perspective) to continue the same, other-directed romantic behaviors. So they may bring those behaviors out again now and then, but when they do, it's usually for some purpose that serves the abuser's agenda. So you see, they're CAPABLE of doing the stuff that translates as tender, warm, romantic. And they'll do those things, when it serves them.

Does that make sense?

I.W.

I seem to be in the minority here, a guy with an abusive woman, but let me address your question any way.

Abusers drag up things from the past to make you feel bad about yourself, they want to drag you to their level By alternating nice and nasty they keep you off balance and confused.

I keep hanging on thinking that I can "fix" mine - intellectually I know it is not going to happen, she has to want to change and her denial system is so well entrenched it will take something huge to put a dent in it, let alone break through.

You have to decide how long you're willing to keep letting the poison in him affect you.

Best wishes,

Henry

Meg...It's called crazy making. It creates chaos in your mind. They say what they know you WANT to hear....to suck you in. But they can't keep it up, they can't really feel any emotion except as it pertains to them. Everything is about them. They are trying to get you to completely focus on their wants, and needs. And every time you think that you have finally met their expectations, and done what they wanted, and that they will be happy with you now...they will raise the bar, and change their expectations, and the cycle will start all over again.

Abuse will change and mutate, to serve their need for power and control. That's all any of it is about.

its mind games, they can bring things up from past which they distort but we mustn't do it, only they are allowed to do this.

I was very upset this morning as there were no flowers or cards for me and we went shopping yesterday where they were selling roses which he knows I love. he told me he didn't buy me any flowers as I hadn't bought him a christmas card last year. I didn't send any christmas cards as was too poorly but evidently this "crime" justified the need to be cruel and unkind and I told him so but he wasn't bothered especially as I was crying with children there.

I said it was tit for tat and he was playing mind games. Whenever we say how upset we are they can never acknowledge it only justify what we did that was bad to deserve such treatment.

I found the confusing aspect of it used to make me feel I was going crazy. Only problem now is that as I know what the mind games are it makes me even more angry and i look like a mad woman

Amen Henry and Ilene !
This a.m. my husband gave me a thoughtful VDay gift and card. Very surprised to get it...and grateful. The wierd thing is, that he spelled my name out, on the envelope, each letter looking like a pimply, hairy ass...I swear! He is a great artist and I've seen the ass before in his cartoons. I asked, "what's with the pimply hairy ass?" He said, "no, those aren't hairy, pimply asses, they are little hearts. I spelled each letter in the shape of a heart".

So here I am. Trust my instincts. Give him the benefit of the doubt. In any event, due to all of his "gaslighting", I question everything, hence the crazy making, hence the abuse....off gaurd.
Anyway, now that I just "talked" about it, I'll consider the source, not take it personally, and eat my candy.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Mine used to do that..the only compliments I ever really remember, were said about me, in front of others, because it makes them look like great loving partners to outsiders..then you get the 'real' them, when alone or offide away from others..

Its true that the choose to hurt you..It is a choice..as they do know when to say what they do, and when not to...

hockeymom is so right..Its ALL about control..You were likely feeling pretty good and unusually hopeful about him and his behaviours after hearing him compliment you to his friend?..It was then time to knock you down again, and to see the evidence of how that would upset you...Control, control, and more control..

It is your evident upset and hurt hes after...and we give it to them, because they know exactly how to hurt us, and how to hit where it hurts...

JUNE4...so sorry to hear how he ruined your Valentines day...'I was very upset this morning as there were no flowers or cards for me'...Of course you were, anyone would be..and he knew full well you would be..But that was his intent, and aim...to see how upset he could get you..Its sick..But he got what he wanted....No matter it was at the cost of your pain. Sadly, that was the best part for him..

I've had one of them for almost 10 years. He waits till I start to feel secure then pounces with an emotional attack that leaves me reeling for days - usually in response to an unresolved problem that he refuses to address - finding it easier to TURN on me. He then proceedes to explain how I couldn't expect more and how he can't beleive he PUTS UP with me. He keeps at me till I'm a wreck crying in the corner, with an onslaught of sarcasm and critisim - and then he keeps going till I'm hysterical, and then he will give me a complete run down on how I have cause this and what do I expect. Then he tells me I have MENTAL problems, and don't deal with things very well, and everything would be fine If I just listened to him

quite frankly he sounds like a bully and we all know bullys inner script need is to abusers. Its an escolating pattren.
when you grow tied of being his personal yoyo and you wish to regain your own mind as in replaceing time consuming thoughts of him, we're always here for you.