Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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frusciante 09/06/2012

I wait and wait things out to see whether they will get better and it never does. It just gets worse.
I know I have strong family support, for once because they can see the way he really is now.

I notice at his work, everyone just loooovvves him and he is a completely different person.

He scared the crap out of all of us, (we have 2 kids and we live with our friend) by throwing cable boxes up the stairs.
He seriously had a fit because one of them was put under the coffee table. ..by the cable guy.

So take it out on us. and I mean, over that?? And it's always the same...over the smallest things. Control, control.

I'm so sick of it but for some reason I feel like I need to be here, for my kids.
He keeps threatening to take them.. which is in no way possible for him.
Then he says he'll get so and so involved and have them taken because I am such a bad mother.
I'm a "bad mother" because I'm a stay at home mom and don't have a "Real" job. Hmmph.

Recently, because of this crap, I had yet another breakdown and ended up in psych for a week and he now throws this in my face, just as I thought he would.

How can I get myself to stop being so afraid of being on my own?? Why or how did I fall into this trap of NEEDING somebody?

My nerves are shot :(

HockeyCrazy 09/06/2012

You're children are very lucky that you are able to stay home with them. And don't ever let anybody make you feel like that isn't a job, because it is. It's a hard job. So good for you!

He sounds pretty nasty and I'm so sorry that he's like that.

Speaking from experience, he won't get better. If anything, he'll just get worse.

It's ok to be scared and feel like you need him. We've all been there, or are there now. In time you will realize that you don't need that type of person in your life.

There are places out there that can help you plan your exit, when you're ready. But until then, this is a great place to vent, get advice, whatever you need!!

Take care!!

deleted_user 09/06/2012

The EXACT same things my ex does/did! Why did I keep going back? Time and time again? Because you don't WANT to have to believe this person is controlling and abusive.

And when they are good to you, they are very good. The "honeymoon" phase. Then the mask slips and satan shows through.

I too ended up in a psych ward for 3 days last year after I separated from him and filed for divorce. Most of it was a medication reaction I had, but alot of it was just him making me insane. He throws that in my face all the time. How he could have "taken the kids away" after that, but he didn't. How benevolent of him!

I'm a horrible mother too, according to him. Gag. He thinks making money makes him a good father. Even though he can't hold down a job and my family has helped support us for 10 years.

Keep realizing that you AREN'T alone, you AREN'T crazy.

frusciante 09/06/2012

Thank you so much. I really in tears of joy because he made me think so highly of him so I'll think crap of myself.
I am looking around for programs that can help, I'm not sure if Interval House would take us in, with it not being physical. But there have been threats.. I should bring that up heh

deleted_user 09/06/2012

Have you heard of the "FOG", that keeps us staying with our abusive spouses? It stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt. It keeps you going back/staying put. You have to get away from him to have the fog lift. Then you can breathe and see and feel good again. It will happen even if it seems impossible now. It is a process. If you are in danger or afraid, get out now. He won't change but will get worse. Also, don't enrage or engage him. There is a ton of advice online, and I also encourage a counselor or minister now. I was married 21 yrs, now 2 yrs divorced, healing and the fog has lifted. I want that for all abused spouses. You don't have to suffer.

deleted_user 09/06/2012

I am so sorry for your pain. I would echo what the others say and urge you to leave. Also, make sure if you haven't that you talk to your doctor and tell him/her everything. This was the best thing I ever did. The doctor put me on anti depressants before I had a breakdown. I was only on a year and it helped me gain equilibrium so I could think clearly about my situation. The doctor told me that Opression causes the same symptoms as depression.

Tell the shelter that you are afraid of your husband and about the proxy violence. Throwing and hitting objects is considered physical abuse. Tell them you are afraid he will escalate imminently. That might be enough to get you a place.

Document everything (see Ilene's clarifying index card ex) writing out the abuse will help you out of the fog. Keep in posting here, it will help.

Take care. L4S

racerangel8781 09/06/2012

I don't really have any words of advice but just wanted to let you know I'm in the same place as your right now, except I have never left yet, been trying to get out for the past 5 years of the last 15, I feel the guilt and obligation to him that i will be abandoning him and leaving him to fend for himself because ive always taken care of him. I just wanted to let you know your not alone, and this support group has been so much help, knowing that there are others just like us that have been throught this and escaped and beeen able to make a happy life for themselves. If you want to chat anytime let me know, I'm a good listener.

deleted_user 09/06/2012

I just want to add that I "should" have gotten out alot sooner. It is a miracle I got out when I did. The waiting makes it harder and renders you weaker. They steal your joy, rob your spirit, and make life really hopeless. They will make you feel bad about it no matter when you do it. I really had given up on leaving and thought I'd just stay the course till I died (for the kids, because I was scared, because I loved him, because I made a vow and am Catholic) however the course changed because, then he ended up making bad decisions, getting caught and me getting sick of it again to the point I could not go on one more minute. He had to change it like he was leaving me and he had to replace me right away. Make me look like the bad horrible person. I was shocked and that route hurt but it's going to hurt either way you end it.

Livndadrem 09/06/2012

Counselling, counselling, counselling - that's what got me out of that position. Also read up on stockholm syndrome and trauma bonding to help you understand why you feel the way you do and why it doesn't make you stupid or weak.

And then look at your kids, and realise that they are learning life lessons, that you and he both are modelling what "love" and relationships look like. Do you want them to grow up to repeat that pattern in their own lives? That's what ultimately gave me the strength to leave - I couldn't let my son grow up that way.

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