The past travels with us
until we adequately
process it.

This can be done in
a variety of ways.

Among the possibilities:

Journaling, friends,
support groups and
often, especially
qualified counseling.

I hope you'll find a
way to dig in and
process what's
gone before.

Codenpendant group, that's helped me tremendously. If you don't want to leave your relationship, I would atleast look into CoDependents Anonymous. I am listing all the patterns and characteristics so you can see if any of these apply to you. Mine was are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long

Denial Patterns
Codependents often. . . :
have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.
minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.
perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
label others with their negative traits.
think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.
mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.

Low Self-esteem Patterns
Codependents often. . . :
have difficulty making decisions.
judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
value others approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.
seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.
have difficulty admitting a mistake.
need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.
are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want.
perceive themselves as superior to others.
look to others to provide their sense of safety.
have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.

Compliance Patterns
Codependents often. . . :
are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
accept sexual attention when they want love.
make decisions without regard to the consequences.
give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

Control Patterns
Codependents often. . . :
believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.
lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.
use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
demand that their needs be met by others.
use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.
use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.
refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
pretend to agree with others to get what they want.

Avoidance Patterns
Codependents often. . . :
act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.
judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.
allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.
use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.
suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.
refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves.
believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
withhold expressions of appreciation.

I hope this helps, and I believe if you want to go to a group and he doesn't allow you then that in itself is abusive. You should be allowed to go find resources if it's going to help you emotionally.

I am sorry that your having a difficult time with this, but I hope you atleast find comfort here.

It sounds like these issues are still unresolved. My mother has asked me why I can't let go of things that happened a long time ago, and it's because I never got any closure or validation of those things. I've been doing a lot of 'part' and trauma work with my counselor and it seems to be working really well.

I have to say that I still hold on to those things too. But then I don't really think mine is changing. Or that he can. I'm sorry you are still struggling so hard. I hope he is being patient. He didn't chang over night. You have a lot of time and issues to process before it can be let go of.
Good luck
Warm hugs

Thanks guys :-).
I think, part of the reason why I am having a hard time is that i actually really don't want to be in this relationship as romantic partners anymore. I love him as a friend, as a brother, but not as the romantic partner I want to grow old with. I am staying because of my concern for him, and because the kids finally have the normal family i have always wanted them to have. My hubby has an autoimmune disease and no family within thousands of miles. The kids adore him and would be devastated if we got a divorce. I feel so guilty for not having the feelings needed to make this work, and the pressure on me, culturally, is unreal! Yet, I know he can pick up on it that i am not there emotionally, and then my blowups about the past...this must be really hard on him. I want to start fresh, and then, maybe, the two of us will have a chance too. But I just don't see how I could do it, without causing damage to the kids and to him...

Let me be nosy here... did yall seperate while he got help and made these changes? Did you see a therapist too?

We separated once in 2002, and went to see a therapist. After we got back together, physical abuse was never an issue anymore. In fact, we had a few very beautiful years together. Then, last year, we sort of separated. He worked a lot out of town, and when he came home, he stayed in the guess bedroom. He went to see the therapist twice, I did about 6 months of concealing, 2 different counselors. Both felt that I should try to make things work out, and helped me see the good in our relationship and try heal. Since our last separation, everything has really been very good, other than my emotional detachment and the past re-surfacing in my head.

So you were still in the same house trying to get the help you needed for yourself and feeling the pressure to make things work. That's not even close to enough time to be comfortable with yourself in this relationship and he is just wanting you to stay and make it work. This is just my opinion but if your needs really mattered then you should have been given the time you needed without pressure from anyone. Counselors shouldn't be telling you what to do. Was it by chance a christian counsellor? I'm not bashing them I'm a Christian myself and have been to several.

Gigglemon, well, yes...both of them were actually Christian, and I don't want to bash either, but i do think they were influenced by their beliefs.
And, of course, there is huge cultural pressure (I'm from Eastern Europe), both from my and his family. Our circle of friends are so used to seeing us together that they keep telling me they sure wish we could make it work. That is on top of of the fact the he is indeed my best friend and closest relative I have within 3000 miles, and that we have 2 kids together...

I think it translate across cultures. We are Christians both my husband and i (at least he claims he is im not going to judge him). I've been isolated to the point that I see no people face to face that don't think we should "work it out" or that it is "nothing more than normal marraige stuff" whatever language its in or culture you are from or whoever you have to stand against (including yourself) you need to take care of you. (Yup preaching in the mirror again)

Please practice selfcare and take the time AND space if u want/need it. And if he or anyone on his requests pressures you then they really don't get that that is still being abusive!!
Hugs

That got wordy and could be confusing... everyone I see face to face thinks we need to work it out ect... just to clarify

So, gigglemon, are you still together as well? any kids? do you struggle with the same emotional detachment and the past being always there? has he changed at all?

We have two kids. Our 15th wedding ann was in august. He tries to make me think he has changed. I posted something on it I think last week. It was called a few examples I could give you a book full of ways that he claims he has but hasn't really. I'd love to tell you that he is all better and we are living happily but that isn't gonna happen. I'm still working on the fincially supporting of myself to manage a divorce. We are working on details. Hes still trying to sucker me. The kids end up in the screwed up stuck in the middle and we are all in counselling. I don't think guys like that- people like that are truly capable of thinking of others. He likes to think of what other might want or might think but not what they actually want or think. The difference being he doesn't actually KNOW what people want he just assumes he does. And then goes with his assumptions. Did that make any sense?? Migraine day so lifes all foggy.

Yes, gigglemon, I understand. My husband, as well, there is just so much he doesn't know and assumes he knows. I have to teach him everything. So, you are at 15 years, that would be 5 years back in my life. Yep, it was hellish then, my daughter was just one and he blamed me for tricking him to have her. He resented having a second child for a while, but luckily we only lived part-time together, so the kiddos didn't really know much about him, isn't that sad.
Funny thing, now he is pestering me about having a baby again, "they turned out so beautiful and smart", etc. But I think he honestly came to resent his attitude towards our second pregnancy and wants to show himself that he can do it right this time around. I actually feel sorry for him, he is at the point where he is realizing how much he screwed up, and honestly, he is working so hard to undo the damage. But...can it ever be undone? I'm afraid, only time will tell. I will be going to WY for 2 weeks, leaving Friday, taking the kids, I am so glad to be getting a little breathing room and re-charge in nature :-)!!! So, you are at 15 years, and he doesn't see it yet, still...so sad. Do you still care for him, or have you stopped caring like me?

18 years is a long time to have been abused. He's been nice to you for a lot less time than that.

I think it's completely understandable that the past still bothers you. It was probably very traumatic for you and abuse is not easy to get over! The fact that you keep bringing it up probably means you still haven't really got over everything that happened.

It's possible that you still don't completely trust him yet and keep expecting him to go back to his old ways, and you might also still resent him because of the things he did to you before.

I think it will take a lot of time and therapy for you to be able to get over the past and completely forgive him so you don't keep bringing up the past.

I understand that you feel pressured to stay with him, but it doesn't sound like you really want to be with him. You worry about harming others by leaving. However, by staying, you are harming yourself,and maybe also the people you're trying to protect. If you're arguing, it's probably not good for the kids to see that. If you keep bringing up the past, it's not good for him or the relationship. Could you maybe just be friends rather than partners? You could support him with his health needs and let your kids spend time with him, but not live together?

Time and space to fully heal from the abuse might be the only way to properly break free of the infinite loop.