Old relationship partners trigger old patterns, it seems. I've been apart from ex #1 for 5 years, was with someone else in between (long term), but have still had the occasional "what if we could work it out?" thought. Which is stupid, because I can't stand to be in the same building with the guy! It just seems hard to let go of the idea I had, the idea of having a wonderful relationship which I wanted so much, and I wonder if a part of it isn't the idea that if I did somehow manage to work things out with this bum, then I wouldn't feel like such a failure. There could be any number of other reasons, too, though.

In the end, we know that these kinds of relationships ended for very good reasons, and that we don't really want to go through all the hell again. Stay strong, and I'm glad you've found somebody better for you.

your right he was awful and it will probally take years to heal thru the damage this man did to me. I feel now like who ever i am with gets a piece of me here and a piece there. someday I might be able to put them all together. some one said it may be because I am familair with the abuse. its the only life I have known and no matter how hard it is I am comfortable. I know I dont want what he has to offer. thank you

Attachment to someone or something, goes very, very deep, even then that person or thing wasn't good for us.

It's the way our brain is wired. It's bio-chemical.

But there's another part of our brain that can analyze things in a
way that gives us the chance of over-riding that more primal,
bio-chemical response.

We DON'T have to be addicted to someone or something.

We CAN choose healthy and functionality.

YYYYyyyyyaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy.

I've been divorced from my first husband for 30 years - he was incredibly abusive from the day we got married - he beat me when I was pregnant, and in front of our son.

A few years ago, my present husband googled him, and found him. I also found him on Facebook. Why? Still wondering about him - still a bit of attraction, although he was a horrid person. Our brains are a tricky and strange place.

I think the trauma bonding we experience with our abusers is heady stuff that can pull us back in if we are not very, very careful. I think it's like kicking cigarettes. We know they are bad for us but gosh darn it I still wish smoking wasn't bad for me. Lame analogy, but you get the point. Congrats on the new bf...you absolutely deserve the best.

I agree with the smoking thing. I seen him back in january for the first time in 4 years and he looks awful missing teeth and the others are black. He is not someone that I would be attracted to now. I know he drinks daily and has no future, but he called again and we had a nice talk. caught up on family stuff. then he started talking about washing my back. I sent a lot of time remembering the things he did to me. I have worked to hard on me to go backwards. ON TO THE FUTURE

I am in my 3rd marriage and he is my best friend in the whole world. He is not even close to the man the first two were. That said, he was my first love. he went away to college and I moved on with my life. I met my first husband and he was a monster. He beat me and some very bazaar sexual hangups which left me alone in that department. My second husband was the opposite. He was overly attentive sexually to the point of getting sex out of me when I didn't want it, in ways I didn't want it. I liked my second husband when he was a nice guy. It is still hard when I see the man I loved. Then he becomes the beast again and I remember all the bad he put me through. I am happy I don't have to live on those egg shells anymore. My current husband is stable and loves me no matter what I do. He talks and listens. He doesn't try to change any part of me. I have never and I mean never, had that in my life.

You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I am not sexually attracted to my second husband because of all he did to me, but there is a part of me that wishes he could have been like the husband I have now. I lived with him for 18 years.