Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I was doing better about No Contact until his best female friend answered an old message I had replied to on facebook and then tried to readd me as a friend. I sat on it for a day, then I answered the letter but did not readd. She had remarked how his new (ex girlfriend who he took back once again, they keep getting back together) was dumb or maybe just complacent with the way things were. ( He never stays with just one woman, I did not know this when I took him back and he seems to be a serial cheater and controllive person, if you will not constantly change things up to suit him, he becomes unhappy and he will find another woman or maybe even have one while seeing you)
Anyway, I tried to show a strong face, wished him and her well, was postivive with the friend but it still hurts.
I realize objectively this man is not good for me, that even if i would of changed for him, he most likely would of kept cheating on me, or jumped me anyway. Still it hurts, the rejection. It hurts wondering if he is treating her differently, perhaps in a exclusive relationship with her since she is willing to be what he wants?
I did contact him to come pick up his riding mower as I have had it two months and I felt he was taking advatage, not to mention my luck just when I finally managed to move on, if i did, he might show up to get it. He texted back saying he would get it. I said I need a time frame, he said soon, within the next two weeks. I had mentioned that perhaps it would be best to just put it up for sale as he had replaced it anyway and had wanted to sell it? That way we could avoid any contact.
He said he would come real soon. I told him I would be gone for the holiday weekend. This text was on the Monday before. Once I told him I would be gone, the mower would be left out by the road, keys in it and I would not be responsible, it was amazing, he ended up coming for it Wed while I was at work. Texted to let me know, I asked him to text and let me know when he was leaving, which he did.
I should feel AWESOME, I should feel peace that he came, got his mower, NO contact, my work is on the way, he could of stopped and made any excuse to see me, He could of came when I was home, HE CHOSE to come when I was not and leave before I got there. He broke the last tie to me, other than some clothes he left, which are no big deal...so why am I feeling so let down?
I guess SHE makes him happy enough not to even attempt to get me back..
Anyway, I tried to show a strong face, wished him and her well, was postivive with the friend but it still hurts.
I realize objectively this man is not good for me, that even if i would of changed for him, he most likely would of kept cheating on me, or jumped me anyway. Still it hurts, the rejection. It hurts wondering if he is treating her differently, perhaps in a exclusive relationship with her since she is willing to be what he wants?
I did contact him to come pick up his riding mower as I have had it two months and I felt he was taking advatage, not to mention my luck just when I finally managed to move on, if i did, he might show up to get it. He texted back saying he would get it. I said I need a time frame, he said soon, within the next two weeks. I had mentioned that perhaps it would be best to just put it up for sale as he had replaced it anyway and had wanted to sell it? That way we could avoid any contact.
He said he would come real soon. I told him I would be gone for the holiday weekend. This text was on the Monday before. Once I told him I would be gone, the mower would be left out by the road, keys in it and I would not be responsible, it was amazing, he ended up coming for it Wed while I was at work. Texted to let me know, I asked him to text and let me know when he was leaving, which he did.
I should feel AWESOME, I should feel peace that he came, got his mower, NO contact, my work is on the way, he could of stopped and made any excuse to see me, He could of came when I was home, HE CHOSE to come when I was not and leave before I got there. He broke the last tie to me, other than some clothes he left, which are no big deal...so why am I feeling so let down?
I guess SHE makes him happy enough not to even attempt to get me back..
Good for you for dealing so
effectively with the removal
of the mower!
Detaching emotionally is no
small feat. On of the things
it takes is time. But it also
requires accepting that he's
(in the case of the subject of
this board). . . . abusive.
There are ways to move
towards acceptance of
that. One of them is the
Clarifying Index Card
exercise I created for
myself, when I was
attempting to detach.
(I'll bump the thread for you.)
Also. . . . . as you increasingly
love yourself to a greater degree,
you'll naturally arrive at an
aversion to be with anyone
who doesn't treat you respectfully.
As far as his next victim. . . . .
once solidly captured, he will
treat her abusively, also. An
abuser doesn't change to
being non-abusive with a
new person. The nice-guy
facade is part of the manipulation.
Sending you hugs and healing thoughts.
Take good care. Recovery comes with
work and time.
It does take time, it's not easy to let go of a dream, to let go of hope. But accepting that he is who he is, that's a great start.
Every one of us is lovable exactly as we are, and nobody has the right to expect us to change who we are for them. Nobody has the right to withhold affection or love until we conform to what they say we ought to be. Add in the fact that, even if we COULD conform to what an abuser says we ought to be - they will just shift the goal posts and so we'd still not be good enough. Nobody will ever be good enough for an abuser. If your "problem" was that you were not compliant enough, then soon enough her "problem" will be that she's too compliant. He's dumped her before as well, remember, so she's not "perfect", he's not treating her any better and won't treat her any better.
He is what he is, and what he is is a serial cheater and abuser. You deserve SO much better.
It does take time, it's not easy to let go of a dream, to let go of hope. But accepting that he is who he is, that's a great start.
Every one of us is lovable exactly as we are, and nobody has the right to expect us to change who we are for them. Nobody has the right to withhold affection or love until we conform to what they say we ought to be. Add in the fact that, even if we COULD conform to what an abuser says we ought to be - they will just shift the goal posts and so we'd still not be good enough. Nobody will ever be good enough for an abuser. If your "problem" was that you were not compliant enough, then soon enough her "problem" will be that she's too compliant. He's dumped her before as well, remember, so she's not "perfect", he's not treating her any better and won't treat her any better.
He is what he is, and what he is is a serial cheater and abuser. You deserve SO much better.
It does take time, it's not easy to let go of a dream, to let go of hope. But accepting that he is who he is, that's a great start.
Every one of us is lovable exactly as we are, and nobody has the right to expect us to change who we are for them. Nobody has the right to withhold affection or love until we conform to what they say we ought to be. Add in the fact that, even if we COULD conform to what an abuser says we ought to be - they will just shift the goal posts and so we'd still not be good enough. Nobody will ever be good enough for an abuser. If your "problem" was that you were not compliant enough, then soon enough her "problem" will be that she's too compliant. He's dumped her before as well, remember, so she's not "perfect", he's not treating her any better and won't treat her any better.
He is what he is, and what he is is a serial cheater and abuser. You deserve SO much better.
effectively with the removal
of the mower!
I knew by breaking my no contact it would bring repurcussions, but I stood my ground and this time hopefully it worked to my benefit, even if it hurt either way..not sure if that makes sense. The immediate feeling is one of hurt due to the rejection and his apathy and indifference I suppose, but I objectively know longterm to have let him just keep the mower there would have prolonged the pain. Say he and her split up or had a rough spell, it would be his way back in. I seemed to fight him for control in the whole relationship and this was the only way I took back a bit of the control. Make sense?
You did not want to treat me nicely, respect or care for me? Well then I do not have to care for your mower, I am not a storage unit.
Anyway...I suppose it will take time.
I do so appreciate everyone's support here. I am going to need it. Hugs...
Oh and the comment about" Nobody has the right to withhold affection or love until we conform to what they say we ought to be. Add in the fact that, even if we COULD conform to what an abuser says we ought to be - they will just shift the goal posts and so we'd still not be good enough. Nobody will ever be good enough for an abuser. If your "problem" was that you were not compliant enough, then soon enough her "problem" will be that she's too compliant. He's dumped her before as well, remember, so she's not "perfect", he's not treating her any better and won't treat her any better" livdadrem
I left him in my way, the weekend before when he acted up at the store we were at when he ran into her and we had to leave because he did not want to upset her. He got mad at me because I found that unacceptable as I had no problem with them remaining friends, with him conversing with her, with the boundaries he had set, yet he infringed on my boundaries by making me leave a PUBLIC place because it might upset HER.
Sorry, I had to call BS on that. Also this man had ADD, OCD, Touretts and addictions and I never asked him to change....I accepted all his issues, some he could not help, some he could. He actually had me where I was allowed one drink with him if I was allowed to drink at all ( I am a social drinker, his ex was an alcoholic) yet he could smoke pot all day long in front of me, and cigarettes, which I do neither...double standard, I ask you?
I paid sometimes for dinner, he paid sometimes. I never asked for favors and we were pretty much tit for tat on any gifts, as he did not believe in holidays or presents, so honestly I was way more generous.
I feel he had no right to ask for any change from me.
If this woman is willing to keep changing and coming back to him, well I guess her "love" loyalty and dedication is stronger than mine.
I guess the whole nice guy stuff is hard to forget..thinking maybe they might actually mean it with the right one.
I will try to do the index card excercise for sure, thank you....
It is hard to think that maybe it's not an act with the "other", maybe he really means it this time. But it's really not true. They are who they are, they always will be who they are. You didn't make him an abusive cheater, she won't stop him being an abusive cheater. He chooses those things for himself.
Also, I just wanted to say I know how you feel about the not wanting to upset her. I had that in both of my marriages, where I had to adjust what I did or where I went, so as not to upset the "other woman". And it's horrible - makes you feel worse than dirt. And it does feed into the feeling that maybe he will treat her better than me, because he's already treating her better, by telling ME I have to avoid upsetting her. But the truth is, that's just the honeymoon phase. It will be more important to keep her happy than to keep you happy for as long as you are "on the hook" and she is not. He's trying to capture (or recapture) her, he sees you as already caught. You don't bait the hook when the fish is already on it.
As I said, I feel people, not only girlfriends, but friends are expendable to him, to be used to gain whatever he needs at the time. He lives only in the present and does not think about how his actions hurt others. Perhaps one day they will catch up to him...who knows?
I am avoiding contact, though it is hard..I feel more due to being a creature of habit and no friends that are in my similar situation to help me be strong. It seems these abusers seem to isolate you so well or make you go from being independant to dependant on them in ways. It is a learning process getting back to you, so that your not only having to NOT contact them but having to relearn who YOU are.
It is so very hard and meanwhile THEY have moved on well before you were even aware you were no longer part of thier life. :(
I would not want to treat a human being as a doormat, but I do have to wonder what it must be like to not have to ever be alone as he is? If he can always make her come back to him..he will never know what it's like to account for his bad behavior, his selfishness, etc. He will never know what it feels like to not have someone just cater to him....
It's ok to admit you want to see him. Just don't. And the mower??The mower IS CONTACT. You had to engage in an exchange with him. No contact is NO CONTACT no matter what. When you contacted him, he knew you wanted to see him and he did not give you that. You can only heal with time and distance.
just my 2 cents... i am where you are right now so, I know how hard this is.
And yes, for a while it bothered me that he wouldn't know what it's like to be alone or accountable. But then I realised that he is always alone and always will be. Sure, he will always (or at least for as long as he can manage it) have a woman hanging off him and providing him with an image, but he's still alone because he can't bring himself to actually care for her or to open himself up to her or in any real way to be "with" her. The pain and rage he carries inside that lead him to choose to abuse, also keep him from ever connecting with anyone in any meaningful way.
He will always be alone, he will never know true love or joy. There is nothing about him that I am envious of any more.
I'm 6 months already in No Contact. It's good, because otherwise I'll be back with him on the rollercoaster again. On other hand it's incredible hard, I feel like I want to talk to him, and tell him how much he hurt me in every possible way - but why to even bother - I try to talk to him for the past 2 years and he never get it, so talking once more will not make any difference. He is who he is. Broken men, sick men and never-ever gets better, because he doesn't bellieve that something wrong with him. Double standard in his favor. He will always have somebody on his arm, to validate his existance. I think now, that I was with him for one and one purpose only - he show off the world, that he is allright, otherwise women like I will not be with him. He never loved me - OMG it hurt so much. I would like to be with him again, only it was not him, it was my imagination.
Even while dating me, I really feel he was keeping communication with her and possibly seeing her on the side when I would not or could not be there. Maybe even more women might figure in the equation, hard telling as I live in another town and am not one to keep tabs on a man. She will and I have seen her do it to him, even on a social site, I now know why, she cannot trust him as he has an established pattern with him and yet she continues to let him do this with her. I feel sad for her and then at times i wonder if maybe because she "hangs in there" if he might just "reward" her by committing to her and changing his behavior? Oh well.
I just know he chatted with me for 7 months to even get a date with me..I find it hard to believe the whole time he pursued me and acted single, he was indeed single?
Also, the time we were fighting and he was begging me to go on the trip with him, even though I had the suspicions he was back with her..odd? I even asked him, why ask me to go with you if your having sex with her (I texted this, trying to feel him out and get an answer from him on if he was cheating and also why would he take me on a trip if he was back with her?) I never got an answer to that..my answer was the break up phone call. :(
I feel I pushed him too hard. I got that I wigged out on him, I created drama and I was too negative, and then he contradicted himself and said I was too kind, too compassionate and too caring towards him, that I did not take care of myself first..WTH?
As I said, the only closure I got was his female friend emailing me that the ex had indeed spent the night as his place ( on his couch) yah ok, to which she didnt even believe and that the ex agreed to change some things for him, his words...and that he would never be with just one woman for very long.