aral2003, I understand what you mean and I'm right there with you, I've hit a rough patch again, slipping back in those thoughts. It's difficult but we have to stay strong by reminding ourselves of the realities of the situation and what going back would really bring us. Keeping you in my prayers, take good care

I am going to meet with a counselor tomorrow who deals with PTSD and trauma bonding. To makes things so much worse I found out that my stbx had a one night stand with a woman from his alcohol group over the summer and he quickly threw her out of his apartment before I came over early the next morning to go running with him. He says I wasnt making a decision fast enough about us being back together and he felt alone. This should be just one more reason for me to push forward yet I still feel stuck.

Hope it goes well with the counsellor.

He had a one-night stand? The poor hard-done-by little so-and-so. The truth is, he "had" to make that your supposed fault because, if these people actually acknowledged that they did something dishonourable, they would literally self-destruct. Plenty of fragile entitlement, but no spine.

I`m sorry and you are right, this is another reason you are better off away from him. It will take time, but it will sink in eventually. Hope the counsellor helps you with that too.

Hugs xxx

aral2003 I'm so sorry that he had to have a woman in his bed before you came over the next day. It is hard because we love these men, and your doing the right thing. Try not to 2nd guess your worth, for anyone. Not just a man, ANYONE. That includes yourself, you are worth more than just a one night stand, you are a good woman and just because he does that, REALLY does not take away from you. He has to feel good about himself by getting approval from another woman, that doesn't know WHO HE REALLY IS. She'll find out soon enough.

Don't make this time anything about him, press forward, I am dealing with this very thing right now and it is killing me too, but like someone else here said before see the reality and what you will be dealing with for the rest of your life. If you did stay marry to him, how do you know he's not going to take up with someone while your married, say on a business trip, and he's lonely, what then?

Cut your losses and move on! I can't stress this enough. Read the Trauma Bond thing posted here If I can find it I will come back and send the link. I think either Ilene or MTC put it on here.

I read the post on Trauma Bonding and that I definitely suffer from that. I hate that I constantly think about him and miss him at times. It makes me feel like I am crazy.

Instead of taking accountability for his one nighter, he blames it on me and my actions bc I separated from him after the last time he gave me a week of the silent treatment this past winter. The part that makes me sick is him telling me how much he loved me while he was on the phone with me when she got to his apartment. I heard his dog bark and he lied and said it was a pizza deliveryman. And the next morning after our run he tried holding me and telling me how much he loved me. It really hurts to think about all of this... I feel so sick.

aral, you are not crazy.

What you said in your reply #20 is, sadly, what happens to us when we are with an abuser. It is who they are.

I am glad you are meeting w/a counselor tomorrow. It takes time - a lot of time, but it will get better. I've been out several and it still happens to me - he just pops in my mind. HOWEVER, since I've been in therapy, it happens way less often and doesn't last nearly as long.

Thanks to the right therapy, I now have healthy tools to counteract the trauma bonding, the unwanted 'gift that keeps on giving.'

Sending you healing thoughts...

Does the therapy work? What do they tell you to do to overcome trauma bonding?

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/19534739-trauma-bonding

It works for me. They don't tell you anything. I wish it was that simple. Trauma bonding happens on sub & unconscious levels. So it takes one ore more modalities to heal it. My therapist does hypnotherapy and release work. There is also a mind/body/spirit connection that has to be addressed. So I also do guided imagery and breathwork. And, surprisingly, daily gratitude helps too.

Unfortunately, there are no pills, self-help books or easy answers. I had to be willing to do 'the work.' And it ain't for sissies, lol. However I now know that I don't have to suffer to heal. That's what I love about what my therapist does. I don't 'relive' things in a negative way and there is always a healing component in each session. So I never leave feeling as bad or worse than when I came in.

It takes time - more time than we think - to heal from abuse. But, it's the best gift you can give yourself.

I hate that I continue to blame myself. I keep thinking "Maybe if I would have given it a fair chance he wouldnt have looked for someone else." I didnt want to jump back into a relationship with him. I wanted to wait and see if he had changed or was making changes before I made that decision. I wasnt moving fast enough.

It's not your fault. It's him. Most, if not all, of us have been where you are. Honestly, if you are still with him, it will be really hard to change your thinking patterns and be able to see what your choices are clearly. Abuse clouds everything. The longer you go and stay No Contact, the clearer you become and you will be able to KNOW you are not to blame.

I have really allowed him to convince me that this is me and my "irrational" behavior. That my irrational behaviors pushed him to the point of hitting me. That I made him miserable but forcing him to cut people out of his life and that is why he gave me the silent treatment. That I hurt him when I wanted to separate after the last episode of the silent treatment last winter. My head has been spinning all day today and I have literally felt sick.

I'm not surprised. Abuse will not just confuse. It will also cause dis-ease (meaning physical, mental, emotional & spiritual illness).

I thought I was the crazy one for the decades I was married and for several years after. It wasn't until years after I left and found the right therapist that I finally started to believe that I am not only not crazy but I am also not broken, at fault or any of the other things I was so masterfully convinced of.

I can't tell you how many self-help books I read and how many therapists I saw while married. Even with therapy, all I can say is I survived - as in I was still breathing.

Life is so much better now. I see more clearly and as much as I really wanted that fantasy of who and what I thought he was AND wanted him to be, and am sad that it didn't come to fruition, I am so much happier now.

I feel like I will never break out of the cycle and get better...

I know you feel like that now-but your abuser is still abusing you-you are still trying to survive it, you are not divorced, not yet free of him.

When I got divorced my abuser kept abusing me and harassing me for years-he still does (but I finally went no contact), while that was going on I was still psychologically "in it." Since I have went "no contact" many things have surfaced for me-it's like in a way I just got divorced, although technically it was 6 years ago. However, just not being exposed to abuse constantly-day in day out I've made progress, which partly I have to look back and see,because it didn't always feel like it while I was making it. Some really crappy things have happened to me since I left-my daughter got sick,my bf almost died-and yet my worst day after my abuse was better than my best day living with my abuser.

You have handled all this amazingly. What you are doing, leaving an abuser, is extraordinarily hard. All your feelings are normal, and part of the process. And it is a process, sometimes you will take two steps forward and one step back, but that is part of it too. I know one day, like me, you will look back and see how far you've come and what you've been able to heal from and survive.