Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi All,
This is a continuation of a post I made in a reply to Bax about Co-Dependency... I got a little carried away and got a little into the theory of why abuser's can't change and we CAN!!
I will add that I think that this issue is the subject of sooo much confusion because we can and do change, while our partners do not- despite their promises to change and even attempts to do so. I start of talking about co-dependency, but quickly shift gears.
Anyhow, this post may seem a little disjointed as it is literally cut-and-pasted from my post to Bax. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to edit it right now!
I am sorry for the lack of flow:
****
I do not think co-dependency is a disease in the manner in which 12-step programs seem to define it. I do not think it incurable. I think it is the by-product of not learning at a very early-age how to self-soothe, love ourselves and accept ourselves unconditionally because that was how someone was raised.
I will be equally clear that in an abusive relationship our very survival DOES depend on placating our abuser, of setting aside our own wants, needs or desires for theirs. Even in a relationship lacking of physical abuse, the implied threat (even if only emotional) that we will be harmed if we do not succumb to their ways and opinions of things, is always present.
So.... Therefore, you get two seprate groups of people that look remarkably the same.
I will continue on to say that many of us never learned how to self-soothe, love ourselves and unconditionally accept ourselves. I believe (and again, it is only my belief) that it is these qualities that allow someone to live authentically, to embrace who they are and live in accordance to their own values and truths. I also believe that abusers and victims of abuse often times (not always- by any stretch) are the opposite sides of two coins.
Abuse is prevalent in our society. Many of us have experienced acts of violence or explosive rage, or even just the message that we are somehow lacking and not worthy of love or approval, over and over again as a child. We all react to it in different ways.
Some people develop personality disorders to 'fix' themselves so that they are worthy (narcissist's and their false-self) or to gain the attention they were denied (BPD and Histrionic) and to obtain unconditional love and acceptance.
Some people mirror those relationships they have seen growing up. I believe it feels more natural for victims of abuse to give generously, love much and have a deep sense of compassion. We give these emotions away freely because they were not given to us often enough, and to see others suffering the same kind of pain we experienced stirs a deep well of sympathy and desire to soothe the other person- as we wish we had been. There is much more to this theory, but for brevity, I will leave it here.
Abusers react differently, not only can they have a personality disorder (which may or may not be present), they feel entitled and a sense of superiority- the world owes THEM for the massive pain they have experienced or simply because they were raised with this belief. At the root, abusive behavior stems from a belief system that allows their behavior to be okay. They are always the victims. Or they were getting what they were OWED, taking their DUE. When others do not fall in line- BAM! Abuse happens.
Because abuse is a deeply entrenched belief- system, it makes it very difficult to change. It is taking their entire view of reality, deconstructing it and re-creating a new belief-system in it's place. The human brain revolts against such attempts because our belief systems were created EXACTLY BECAUSE THEY ENSURED OUR SURVIVAL. It goes against evolution, biology and rationale for them to change, because it is how they survived before.
Just as we, the victims of abuse, survived by being nice, kind and compassionate and empathetic- to the point that we can sniff out a bad mood by hearing footsteps on a sidewalk (yep, I got even there... I felt like a trained dog). The difference is we CAN change, Our attitudes and belief systems are functional in healthy relationships. We do not harm others. It is against our nature to do so, and when we do fight back it is because we have been left with no choice. We want to survive too. It is also a part of our biology and in our DNA, and that is why it because increasingly hard to stay in abusive relationships. One part of says stay because leaving might harm us (our abuser's have made sure we feel this way), and another part of us tells us to LEAVE, to run as fast and as far away as we can- because we desperately want to survive-- More than anything.
Take these words and know that they are true... Each one of us are survivors. That is why we are here. We would not be here planning a mutiny or escape if we did not desperately want to live.
I have been searching for the gift in abuse, in the variety of my experiences both past and present. And the gift is knowing my own STRENGTH, my compassion, my empathy and the well-spring of love I have for all people and living creatures.
We are all special people with much love and compassion to give to the world and those around us. :)
This is a continuation of a post I made in a reply to Bax about Co-Dependency... I got a little carried away and got a little into the theory of why abuser's can't change and we CAN!!
I will add that I think that this issue is the subject of sooo much confusion because we can and do change, while our partners do not- despite their promises to change and even attempts to do so. I start of talking about co-dependency, but quickly shift gears.
Anyhow, this post may seem a little disjointed as it is literally cut-and-pasted from my post to Bax. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to edit it right now!
I am sorry for the lack of flow:
****
I do not think co-dependency is a disease in the manner in which 12-step programs seem to define it. I do not think it incurable. I think it is the by-product of not learning at a very early-age how to self-soothe, love ourselves and accept ourselves unconditionally because that was how someone was raised.
I will be equally clear that in an abusive relationship our very survival DOES depend on placating our abuser, of setting aside our own wants, needs or desires for theirs. Even in a relationship lacking of physical abuse, the implied threat (even if only emotional) that we will be harmed if we do not succumb to their ways and opinions of things, is always present.
So.... Therefore, you get two seprate groups of people that look remarkably the same.
I will continue on to say that many of us never learned how to self-soothe, love ourselves and unconditionally accept ourselves. I believe (and again, it is only my belief) that it is these qualities that allow someone to live authentically, to embrace who they are and live in accordance to their own values and truths. I also believe that abusers and victims of abuse often times (not always- by any stretch) are the opposite sides of two coins.
Abuse is prevalent in our society. Many of us have experienced acts of violence or explosive rage, or even just the message that we are somehow lacking and not worthy of love or approval, over and over again as a child. We all react to it in different ways.
Some people develop personality disorders to 'fix' themselves so that they are worthy (narcissist's and their false-self) or to gain the attention they were denied (BPD and Histrionic) and to obtain unconditional love and acceptance.
Some people mirror those relationships they have seen growing up. I believe it feels more natural for victims of abuse to give generously, love much and have a deep sense of compassion. We give these emotions away freely because they were not given to us often enough, and to see others suffering the same kind of pain we experienced stirs a deep well of sympathy and desire to soothe the other person- as we wish we had been. There is much more to this theory, but for brevity, I will leave it here.
Abusers react differently, not only can they have a personality disorder (which may or may not be present), they feel entitled and a sense of superiority- the world owes THEM for the massive pain they have experienced or simply because they were raised with this belief. At the root, abusive behavior stems from a belief system that allows their behavior to be okay. They are always the victims. Or they were getting what they were OWED, taking their DUE. When others do not fall in line- BAM! Abuse happens.
Because abuse is a deeply entrenched belief- system, it makes it very difficult to change. It is taking their entire view of reality, deconstructing it and re-creating a new belief-system in it's place. The human brain revolts against such attempts because our belief systems were created EXACTLY BECAUSE THEY ENSURED OUR SURVIVAL. It goes against evolution, biology and rationale for them to change, because it is how they survived before.
Just as we, the victims of abuse, survived by being nice, kind and compassionate and empathetic- to the point that we can sniff out a bad mood by hearing footsteps on a sidewalk (yep, I got even there... I felt like a trained dog). The difference is we CAN change, Our attitudes and belief systems are functional in healthy relationships. We do not harm others. It is against our nature to do so, and when we do fight back it is because we have been left with no choice. We want to survive too. It is also a part of our biology and in our DNA, and that is why it because increasingly hard to stay in abusive relationships. One part of says stay because leaving might harm us (our abuser's have made sure we feel this way), and another part of us tells us to LEAVE, to run as fast and as far away as we can- because we desperately want to survive-- More than anything.
Take these words and know that they are true... Each one of us are survivors. That is why we are here. We would not be here planning a mutiny or escape if we did not desperately want to live.
I have been searching for the gift in abuse, in the variety of my experiences both past and present. And the gift is knowing my own STRENGTH, my compassion, my empathy and the well-spring of love I have for all people and living creatures.
We are all special people with much love and compassion to give to the world and those around us. :)
Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft
and
Narcissitic Lover's by Cynthia Zayn
Are a couple of my faves!
The rest is information I have pulled from a variety of sources that I have found on the net, including Patricia Evans site. I also interned with a neuroscientist while I was in college studying the pathology of psychopaths (talk about ironic). I picked up a great deal of education and insight into how our brains work/identities formed while working there.
It also makes sense that people who abuse have such a difficult time changing. It is nearly impossible at an adult age to go back, deconstruct all of those belief systems and values and reconstruct new ones. I am so glad I have made the decision to leave my husband and not wait for him to change. For so long I didn't see staying in my marriage as a choice, but more as a consequence of my bad judgment. "you made the bed, now you have to lie in it" is what I told myself for years. Those are probably words directly from my emotionally abusive dad's mouth.
i told her i dont see the point in placing such false hope into them which is a waste of time. id like to ask everybody my therapist said the abuse part only makes up one part of your life history not everything about you, does anybody agree to that? i told her my parents made me the way they wanted not the way i should be wanted there's a huge difference.
I know there is more to this thread than what I am focusing on right now, but I share that I try to find the good or the gift in most situations and I am glad that you have found the gift in your situation for you. It actually made me smile to know that you look for gifts in hard situations too and that you found gifts!
Thanks freedom.
He does not believe that he is worthy of love. He was brought up in a family who taught that love was something earned, not something given to a child just because they exist. So...consequently he thinks that anyone who loves him is stupid, and/or manipulating him.
Brene Brown's TED talk, which went viral with over 11,000,000 views, pretty much supports that. Those that are able to connect with others are generally what she calls whole-hearted, they feel worthy, they are not afraid of vulnerability. Those who do not, who cannot connect, feel shame, exclusion and a lot of pain.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
It's seriously sad, it is a lesson that can be learned from the abuse. And is often learned by the victims, survivors, thrivers. Not so much for the abusers. It is just too far a stretch. And any attempt made to teach them, just reinforces what they already believe.
But while I find it terribly sad, a sad way to live a life, I won't put myself in harms way with an abuser. EVER. I can have compassion, and still have strong boundaries.