possumlady-I homeschool my kids too!

and too funny, you take care of your dememtia mother in law-for four years I took care of a lady with dementia and down syndrome, who lived with us.

my husband would blame me for things that she did, for the way she acted. she said that it was in response to how I treated her. I was 'letting her get away with bad behaviour' and that is why she did the strange things that we did.

In fights, my husband has used the homeschooling against me-saying things like 'you shouldn't be alone around children...you have to take the kids to school on monday and register them...you're going to have to get a job, and then how will you homeschool?..'

thanks for reminding me about things I had forgotten (the dementia lady and it being my fault thing)..

I'm glad you had typed that, it now shows you that this man is NOT for you, it also shows you to hang with your friends alot more since that are more caring and thoughtful than your husband, which should be an eye-opener for you. Do alot a research of abusive men, realize the pattern and the cycle that they go through so you can better understand the situation that you are in, and to get the proper help that you need, a husband should never make his wife the victim.

If I were you I would really hang out with your friends ALOT more because they sound alot more supportive, and to kind of help out the problem with your husband, since your married to him, spend less time with him, you'll notice that your saving yourself if you feel like you are losing who you are inside because your with a man like that. Notice if you do that where you would spend less time with him he will come back and apologize, you need to stand strong, understand the repeating cycle, this may help you out.



Abuse Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."



Guilt After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. Hes more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.



Excuses Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavioranything to avoid taking responsibility.



"Normal" behavior The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.


Fantasy and planning Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what youve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.



Set-up Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.


THIS WEBSITE WILL HELP YOU UNDERSTAND A LITTLE BIT MORE:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm


~~~~~~~~~~~~Abusers are able to control their behaviorthey do it all the time.


Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They dont insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as youre alone.



Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, theyre able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when its to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).



Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they wont show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks wont show.

If you look at what he said to you realistically, the names he called you best describe who HE is.

We can only break free from the negativity that abusers project by removing ourselves from the situation... In the meanwhile, perhaps you could try counselling and focus on loving yourself, rebuilding your self-esteem and affirming who you really are. :-

"Caring
Sensitive
Compassionate
Insightful
Patient
Intelligent
A great mum "

Concentrate on the postive things about yourself and totally reject what your husband tells you you are.

Take care

What I found is that as long as I stayed, I was ENMESHED with the abuser and no matter what anyone said, I couldn't find the strength or belief in myself to leave. That went on for 36 years! The things he said were lies & his words, meaningless. I WANTED to believe because I was terrified to be on my own because I believed that I wasn't capable & that I needed him.

I had two different therapists tell me outright to LEAVE and NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT. I honestly don't know what the last straw for me was, but I finally moved out 6 yrs ago. But, I couldn't stick to the no contact thing. I even dragged my feet with the divorce for 2 1/2 more years. HOPING. Its only been in the last couple of years that I can look back and see that as long as I stayed, I couldn't see what it was doing to me. I couldn't see who I was or that I could (and have) make it on my own.

The ONLY way I know to break free is to leave. It's hard...damn hard, but it does get better.

The very first thing I was aware of the first day I was in my new place was the PEACE & QUIET.

It's taken lots of therapy & that's ongoing because of the lifetime of abuse & resulting PTSD. But I am so much better off now.

The most precious gifts are the gifts of self love & self care.

Hugs!

Hon ---

You are a human being
with some challenges
and a whole bunch of
strengths, talents and
inner resources.

One of your challenges
is that you were with an
abuser who was pounding
awful lies into your psyche.

That was a morally reprehensible act
by him.

Now you have the challenge of
deleting those lies.

Your inner resources and loving
support network will help you
delete the lies and replace them
with the truths of who you really are.

Always begin with self-care.

Love yourself!