I had an abuser who left.

he found a new target. maybe she was more exciting, a bit of a challenge..

luckily for me, I was right at a point where I was seeing him for what he was, so I wasn't hurt at all, just relieved.

(but funnily enough, a few months later, their relationship ended and he came back to see if I wanted to get back together, being all nice and friendly like he used to be..thank god I said no!)

we can't always know what goes on in their heads. every single one is a little different.

sometimes the leaving is part of the abuse. 'leave her devastated, man that feels good'

it would make a great ending to their horrible abuse...

maybe others just want to abuse as many women as they can..not just one or two...

these are some of my guesses.

and I'm guessing that there are a lot of women on this board who are PRAYING that their abuser leaves!!!!!

Abusers fall into different categories, at least, this is a theory by some experts, depending on their psychological make-up and upbringing.

If you read Donald Dutton's "An Abusive Personality" book, abusers fall into borderline, undercontrolled (lack of impulse control), overcontrolled (can control impulses), avoidant (passive-aggressive) and psychopathic (antisocial) categories. Many abusers fall into multiple categories, it just depends on the abuser.

Borderline type abusers will NOT want to let go. Psychopathic/narcissistic abusers detach very easily from their victims.

I do believe this. If your abuser ditched you (hallelujah!), they were probably psychopathic, sociopathic or narcissistic -they use, abuse and dispose of their victims easily. If your abuser stalks you and doesn't want to lose you, they are borderline type abusers and have strong abandonment type issues, but it is ALL about them, NOT about you.

Mine technically called it off, even thought it had been waning for weeks and I had considered calling it off myself. We tried being friends for a few weeks, but that ended when I called her out on her substance abuse problems. Any time someone calls her out on her substance abuse, she responds by shutting them out. She drops people who won't play into the game that she is "perfect".

good post, gamine! that totally makes sense.

I always had a feeling that my old ex abuser (the one who left me) was sociapathic-he really did see people as being disposable..

my ex, on the other hand, is borderline-I sometimes worry that he'll NEVER let me go!!!!!!!

Okay....so i jus googled psychopath abusers and read info and my mouth jus dropped. It described him perfectly!!

That "jaw dropping" moment is amazing, isn't it? I had one of those when I read the "Narcissit Personality Disorder" description on the Mayo Clinic website. Suddenly, all of her behaviors made sense.

My first abuser left his wife for me. I had no idea at the time he was like that, and she used to leave him these voicemails BEGGING him to come back. It's still seemed like he had power over her. And she hated me when she found out about me. Once I realized how he was, I didn't understand why she would want him back. But it took me months of going back and forth for me to leave him too....so I finally got it.

I also loved what gamine said. The other thing to remember, though, is that they can often keep control even after/by leaving. As jaded said about her first abuser - he still had control of his ex with all the begging voicemails etc. I wouldn't mind betting he was giving her JUST enough of a hint of a possibility he might come back, so that she would continue to beg.

Its still a cntrl thing for sure. Mine left me when I started to question and jus fluff off his Nastiness. When I stopped playing into his abuse he said I didn't have to pick him up. Just relax. He'll take the bus home. No big deal. I didn't see or hear from him for 2 wks. That made me call insently. Begging for amswers. For him to come home. He finally calls for me to go get him. I did. I was upset. He ended up hurting me physically. Again. Gone. Again. I begged. Again. 2 wks. He calls. Again I go. Again he hurts me and my van. Didn't see him again for months. I called. I begged. I cried pleaded.
I know now
Its about control.
They leave u with questions. That's how they stay in your head. They call and give u false hope. False promises. Its heartbreaking. They move on without ever looking back
Heartless. AbsolutEly heartless creatures. I've never seen such cruelty.
Ah. I'm glad I'm out and finally angry. 6 months later. I still feel something. Whatever it may be. Incredible how they gain cntrl and hurt ppl with no regard. Just move on to the next victim without a care in the world.
He would actually laugh when I begged. He would fall asleep when I cried trying to talk to him
Twisted
No other way to say it
Utterly twisted
Sigh

Gogo,

OMG!!!!!! Mine would fall asleep while I was trying 2 talk 2 him 2 and he would laugh at times 2!! Cruel bastards!!

In my experience
predators only let go
of one victim (or. . .
source, or supply). . .
when they get a hold
of another.

They won't voluntarily
release a victim unless
they have a new one
scouted and/or captured.

Wow..somehow..I always thought he cheated.
ouch..ok..that hurt
oh well..time for me now..
:)
time for me to start living again & to start believing again
ouch...still pinching..ooo

I guess ur right Ilene becuz he did leave me 4 the girl he was cheating on me with. I wish i knew how that relationship was going.

kai...
not to worry dear..it's going the same way yours went..wonderful gentleman in the beginning, monster in the end with a lot of pain & uncertainty in the middle.
you'll make it through this
you will come out a better, stronger, more knowledgeable person in the end.
lots of love babe!
xoxo
gogo

Actually leaving is another method of control to an abuser because it's in luring us and gaining our trust and then becoming dependent on our abuser that sets us up to be so hurt when they leave. My exh used to use the leaving card all of the time and for years I would be devastated when he would disappear for a few days or weeks only to reappear when he needed something. It's just another tool, threatening to and/or leaving and ultimately leaving for good is seen as the ultimate form of control to abusers like my exh.