Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So many times, a target
of intimate partner abuse
experiences (often when
she or he has expressed
an intent to end the relationship),
that their abuser suddenly says
that they're appalled at their
lack of consideration, and
that they (also, suddenly) totally
understand their target's
frustration and unhappiness,
and that of course they're
going to absolutely
change their ways and
will never be abusive again.
Often times these protestations
(the abuser's apparent epiphany),
cause the target of years of abuse
to feel confused, guilty for thinking
about leaving, and even crazy for
having felt so abused.
I had a client recently share with
me all these feelings, regarding
her abuser's intermittent moments
of "clarity."
She was fully convinced that
he had come to an epiphany
that he'd caused her pain,
that causing her pain was
unacceptable, and that
he'd decided never to
cause her pain ever
again.
Here's what I told her:
His "clarity" was a very
vivid realization that his
standard tactics were,
at this point, busted.
He was very clear that,
for the foreseeable future,
he could no longer rely
on his time-tested tactics.
He was very clear that
he'd have to table the
time-tested tactics
until she was comfortable
that he was a new man
and that he'd no longer
cause her pain with his
playbook of abusive
strategies.
Yes. . . . he was very clear
about having been busted
and that he'd have to use
lots of energy to lull her
back into complacency. . .
at which point, he'd be
safe to abuse her again
for whatever amount of
time she tolerated his
return to abuse.
of intimate partner abuse
experiences (often when
she or he has expressed
an intent to end the relationship),
that their abuser suddenly says
that they're appalled at their
lack of consideration, and
that they (also, suddenly) totally
understand their target's
frustration and unhappiness,
and that of course they're
going to absolutely
change their ways and
will never be abusive again.
Often times these protestations
(the abuser's apparent epiphany),
cause the target of years of abuse
to feel confused, guilty for thinking
about leaving, and even crazy for
having felt so abused.
I had a client recently share with
me all these feelings, regarding
her abuser's intermittent moments
of "clarity."
She was fully convinced that
he had come to an epiphany
that he'd caused her pain,
that causing her pain was
unacceptable, and that
he'd decided never to
cause her pain ever
again.
Here's what I told her:
His "clarity" was a very
vivid realization that his
standard tactics were,
at this point, busted.
He was very clear that,
for the foreseeable future,
he could no longer rely
on his time-tested tactics.
He was very clear that
he'd have to table the
time-tested tactics
until she was comfortable
that he was a new man
and that he'd no longer
cause her pain with his
playbook of abusive
strategies.
Yes. . . . he was very clear
about having been busted
and that he'd have to use
lots of energy to lull her
back into complacency. . .
at which point, he'd be
safe to abuse her again
for whatever amount of
time she tolerated his
return to abuse.
I know for myself it was good to have some awareness and I know I care much less about his behaviour even though we share the same house still but what I have read here in the replies speaks volumes to me.
I recently got depressed again even though I kept telling myself that I was detaching and I got so confused - I understand better now what might have been happening to me.
I feel validated in my pain better now so thanks everyone for your insight. I will have to watch this detachment mode in future and the feelings of hopelessness it brings me.