Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So many times, a target
of intimate partner abuse
experiences (often when
she or he has expressed
an intent to end the relationship),
that their abuser suddenly says
that they're appalled at their
lack of consideration, and
that they (also, suddenly) totally
understand their target's
frustration and unhappiness,
and that of course they're
going to absolutely
change their ways and
will never be abusive again.
Often times these protestations
(the abuser's apparent epiphany),
cause the target of years of abuse
to feel confused, guilty for thinking
about leaving, and even crazy for
having felt so abused.
I had a client recently share with
me all these feelings, regarding
her abuser's intermittent moments
of "clarity."
She was fully convinced that
he had come to an epiphany
that he'd caused her pain,
that causing her pain was
unacceptable, and that
he'd decided never to
cause her pain ever
again.
Here's what I told her:
His "clarity" was a very
vivid realization that his
standard tactics were,
at this point, busted.
He was very clear that,
for the foreseeable future,
he could no longer rely
on his time-tested tactics.
He was very clear that
he'd have to table the
time-tested tactics
until she was comfortable
that he was a new man
and that he'd no longer
cause her pain with his
playbook of abusive
strategies.
Yes. . . . he was very clear
about having been busted
and that he'd have to use
lots of energy to lull her
back into complacency. . .
at which point, he'd be
safe to abuse her again
for whatever amount of
time she tolerated his
return to abuse.
of intimate partner abuse
experiences (often when
she or he has expressed
an intent to end the relationship),
that their abuser suddenly says
that they're appalled at their
lack of consideration, and
that they (also, suddenly) totally
understand their target's
frustration and unhappiness,
and that of course they're
going to absolutely
change their ways and
will never be abusive again.
Often times these protestations
(the abuser's apparent epiphany),
cause the target of years of abuse
to feel confused, guilty for thinking
about leaving, and even crazy for
having felt so abused.
I had a client recently share with
me all these feelings, regarding
her abuser's intermittent moments
of "clarity."
She was fully convinced that
he had come to an epiphany
that he'd caused her pain,
that causing her pain was
unacceptable, and that
he'd decided never to
cause her pain ever
again.
Here's what I told her:
His "clarity" was a very
vivid realization that his
standard tactics were,
at this point, busted.
He was very clear that,
for the foreseeable future,
he could no longer rely
on his time-tested tactics.
He was very clear that
he'd have to table the
time-tested tactics
until she was comfortable
that he was a new man
and that he'd no longer
cause her pain with his
playbook of abusive
strategies.
Yes. . . . he was very clear
about having been busted
and that he'd have to use
lots of energy to lull her
back into complacency. . .
at which point, he'd be
safe to abuse her again
for whatever amount of
time she tolerated his
return to abuse.
But, yes, Ilene, I think they will say whatever they think will work according to their own abuser tool bag to get you back under their control, so they can go back to using the tools they are most comfortable with. I think they'll use anything, but they have their favorites. After years of telling me he didn't want any more children, when he knew I was about to walk out that door he even offered me what I so desperately had wanted for so many years, another child. It was so transparent, and I had so had it with his crap at this time I was horrified and yet strangely not surprised at this tactic. Thank God I didn't have any more children with that man for him to use as a pawn and another object to control.
I saw it a little bit in my own relationship, and you know what? It totally worked. But it never lasted, of course. Sometimes I wonder if I'm lucky that my ex was inexperienced in whatever game he was playing, because he made it pretty easy to tell after only a few months that he couldn't keep the act up for much longer than the moment.
It bothers me so much that they can fight so dirty, to lack the shame that comes with unfulfilled promises to put any effort into their end of the relationship.
i don't know what was worse - watching him systematically beat whatever feelings i once had for him to death with a club or the disrespect he showed by putting so little effort into the bullshit. one more way to remind me how little he cared and how little i was worth to him.
He thinks because he goes to the anger mgmt, church and reads books that's all he has to do. He told me today that he is doing everything I asked him to do and that he wants to come back home, like he is some sort of a child or something.
He keeps pushing me to move back in and it shows me he really just wants to use me, his unemployment is fixing to run out, and I believe he wants to come back so bad because he wont' have income anymore and he needs me to support him, and that's not even going to happen.
He's pushing me and it's really ticking me off.
Is it my responsibility, NO. But how can we turn our backs on these men, who will help them? They just grow up and disappear into society, it's sad to me. And then we end up getting them. We end up suffering.
It was, indeed, his
"upbringing" that
programmed his
abusive behavior in
his adult years.
You asked some
gut-wrenching questions.
Sadly, there are few
satisfying answers.
The transmission of
dysfunctional behavior
down from one
generation to the next
has been going on
for millennia.
And, you're right.
The repair of his
dysfunctional behavior
is NOT your responsibility.
It's HIS. No one elses.
I again urge you in the
strongest terms, to
begin and maintain
NO CONTACT.
If you simply can't
manage that yet, then. . . .
yes, do please be
angry. . . . very angry
when you hear his
increasingly transparent
attempts to manipulate
and control you.
If you can tell when
he's clearly trying to
manipulate you for
his end goal of
abusing you,
then at some point
you WILL be able
to begin and maintain
NO CONTACT.
vern. . . . . . .
"""""""""if he had paced things differently he could have wasted so much more of my time! instead he lured me in and crushed me so rapidly after like 4 rounds of it i started throwing furniture at him."""""""""
I hope you threw the pieces
you wanted to get rid of, and
that they made a visible
"impression" on his noggin.
It's so edifying, when
ultimately, an abuser
continues to do his
(or her) "thing." Makes
life so much easier to
discipher.
(I'm not advocating violence.
Just loved the image you
painted. Thanks.)
Every now and then,
a contributor to this
(and other) forum(s)
shares their experience
of an abuser who really
does appear to change
for the better. It's not my
place to deny that this
occasionally happens.
But the frequencey with
which this happens is
so extremely rare, that
the hope it seems
to offer for the general
community of survivors
is, in my opinion, a
"Trojan horse." It's a
"gift" tainted with the
potential of years of
misery or (and)
loss of life.
The repair of the typical
abuser's psyche is an
extremely problematic
endeavor.
It may take place.
I personally, know
someone who emerged
from a violent family-of-
origin. . . . . . . started out
in his adulthood. . . . .
abusive and violent. . . . .
and did close to a
one-eighty. In his
sixties, he was a
client of mine and
someone I came to
respect and admire.
But even with his near-
one-eighty, he never
managed to engineer
an intimate relationship
with a partner.
The total turn-around
of an abuser into a
viable partner and/or
effective parent falls
into the category of
slim-to-none. To
forfeit one's precious
life hoping and waiting
for this turn-around
is (almost always) ----
a tragic sacrifice.
One of the clearest indicators that the "epiphany" is not real is that it is an epiphany - that he or she has suddenly seen, suddenly changed. Real change takes a LOT of work and a LOT of time. i do believe it can happen. But I also believe it's incredibly rare, doesn't happen overnight and isn't accompanied by any kind of pressure or demand. Almost by definition, the "epiphany" cannot be real, there can be NO real understanding of what they have done, if in the same breath they demand to be let back in (or demand anything, really). "Oh I see now that I did wrong, therefore you have to ..." just doesn't fly.
Yes, old behaviors don't wok on me anymore and my husband is very aware of that, I simply don't care about him anymore. So, is the new behavior I see in him, over the least year, real or not? That is the million dollar question. And, do I even care? No, I don't. But, I do pity him, I do want my kids to have the illusion of "normal" family, and it is more convenient at this point to stay than go.
He no longer can cause me pain, because I am so detached. Ironic, that his controlling behavior os turned around on him, and somehow now I am the one in control with my emotional detachment, and the threat of me leaving some day. I don't ever say that, but, he can feel it, every minute. I don't want to have this kind of control, I just wanted to love and be loved, simple as that. It is not my fault that we got here, it is 100% him and his crazy family. Still, I do feel guilty, because I feel that somehow I should reward him for his new ways, but the reward that would be appropriate, that I open up my heart for him, is not ever going to happen, those feelings have been completely purged.
I lived in a state of detachment, still do to a large extent. It's a very negative thing, overall, because it disallows us to really know ourselves, and therefore to get any of our needs met, which will lead to unhappiness. Emotions convey information, and if we deny emotions we discard the information they provide, limit our choices, our freedom to make choices and to act. We learn to not be able to even evaluate threats to our well being anymore because we deny the negative emotions which serve as warning bells. On top of that we live through life with a limited, muted, pastel color pallet instead of the innumerable, vibrant colors the world is composed of. Where is the pity for yourself? Do you allow yourself to feel that?
rosehip please consider the possibility that your feeling of control is just a rationalization, one of millions we have all told ourselves to make it through one more minute of these abusive relationships. detachment is a nice word for dead. you walk around with half of your insides dead believing that he feels the sting of your apathy. he does not. you are standing there, that is all he requires. it seems easier to stay because you are exhausted, because your energy goes to fight the toxicity. what little you have left goes to telling yourself that he is being punished and you can feel vindicated and pretend this is a life. it is not.
i don't say these things to judge you, i say them because i lived them and i know, and i know you deserve so much better. see the detachment for what it is, a defense mechanism, and grieve for the part of you that needs it so badly you can never let it sleep. but don't let it work so well that you believe it's not hurting you, because that's almost the same as believing you are not worthy of better. and that's not control, that just sucks.
He said he knew what he was doing was wrong, that he could see it all happening but he couldn't stop himself. Strange, he could just then. He left for work when she showed up, and later that night I talked to him again when we went to bed. He tried to be intimate with me, he often withheld intimacy and this was how he said "sorry," but I still wasn't trusting him as fast as before. My mom stayed with us for a few days to help pack, we were supposed to be moving in a week. I didn't make it clear I forgave him, but I did want to after his desperate display of understanding what he had done. I was just waiting for my mom to leave so we could have some time to cool off. But the moment she walked out the door, he suddenly became cold. He was upset we didn't discuss it his way, with my mother as a mediator, which confused me because he had told me how much that he didn't respect my family just nights before when he raged. I was so confused, until two days later, the night before my last day on the office and the night before before we were supposed to move, he became unreasonably angry again. He told ME that I had to say some things to save the relationship, though he wouldn't say what about, or he was gone. I told him to just leave then. And you know what that f-er did? He left. Oh, he came back in again after I didn't beg him to come back, raging and saying he showed his family pictures of what I had done (it had become a recent thing of his to hurt himself and threaten too say I did it) and that I'll never see him again. And then he really did leave.
I finally tried to reach out to him a couple days later; I wanted to discuss what the heck was going on. I really did want to turn back the clock a week, to when the abuse was tolerable, before those two rage sessions where I kept my cool.
I finally heard from him a week later, and he wanted to work things out, but not live together. And he apologized. And he promised to be better. And I took him back, long distance. Then he eventually took to screaming at me over the phone, which is when I finally let him for good.
He couldn't even pretend to be friendly for what little contact we had. He had every excuse in the book why he'd get so mad at me for everything under the sun, to the point where I shook and felt my intestines cramp every time I saw his name on my phone.
I know I'm unloading a lot here, but the thing is... His apologies and clarity meant nothing. He proved the only thing that mattered was if I'd accepted them.
when an abuser claims to be "cured,"
and how to implement NO CONTACT:
The author is Donna Andersen, Lovefraud.com
Link is below.
How to Implement NO CONTACT
When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But lets now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesnt want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to let him down easy. Heres what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesnt want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation If you tell someone ten times that you dont want to talk to him, you are talking to himnine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, stop calling, he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
If you make an excuse like, I dont want to be in a relationship right now, the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
If you say, Youre a great guy, but Im not the one for you, the stalker thinks youre just confused, and will come around in time.
Never explain why you dont want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
The way to stop contact is to stop contact, de Becker says. I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.
Giving in
What happens if youre wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who well call Lenore.
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didnt answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldnt take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didnt take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
http://www.lovefraud.com/2010/10/11/how-to-implement-no-contact/
Donna Andersen author of Lovefraud.com
I also think that Rosehip feels strong to feel detached but your not really free until you are out of the situation completely and there is no chance of them hurting you again. We do become numb and callus to the abuse and we do lose the love we once had even if its little by little but staying in the situation is not the way to be free of it all. I hope Rosehipcreek is not feeling attacked on this point because of all the comments about her feeling he can't hurt her again but I'm sure we all know how easy it is to rationalize our situation when we are in it.