If you file for divorce, doesn't that give you legal right to have her removed from the home?
Sorry that you're having to go through that.... :(

Hello,

We arent filing for divorce right away. Separation. Divorce is ridiculously expensive.
To also add, my wife is not close at all with my family. She doesnt attend any holidays, birthdays etc. She puts down my brothers and sisters and I defend them. And they defend her. What the hell? What are pople not getting about the word ABUSE?

Thanks

amexdm,

I am sorry for your situation. It is a bad one without simple solutions.

I would like to say that men are not the only group of people in that situation. I have been in 2 abusive relationships. In the first one, which I did leave in 2001, I called the women's shelter and learned that I could stay there 2 weeks. Within that time, I would need to have found a job and an apt. I could not work as I had been disabled for years. So the option basically did not exist for me. There were no variations to this option. I called agencies nonstop for weeks trying to find an alternative. There were none. I was being beaten several times a week, and even my husband had said he knew he was going to kill me--he had lost control. But there was no place for me to go.

There are many people who fall through the cracks. I am one who disagrees that there are always solutions to abuse and someplace to go.

I am sorry you in this situation.

Martin
I'm so very sorry for what you're going thru. So many things I want to touch on. First of all, it's incredibly sad when a person is so unhappy and can't afford a divorce. So your plan is to separate but still live together while you save up money for a divorce? That just stinks :(
How do you move on emotionally, mentally and physically while you're still legally married.

As for support and validation - it's incredibly painful when a victim of abuse is asked, did you try? Can't you work things out? Are you sure?
I fell 10 steps back when my daughters soon to be therapist asked me that question Sunday. It made me question everything and opened up wounds that I felt had slowly started to heal. I've been all "off" since yesterday. I can't imagine what you're feeling when your family asks these questions. As of yet, only my mom and sister know as for family. And they are backing me up 1k % and actually don't know how I stayed with blinders on for so long. As they watched me die inside little by little. I'm wondering how my extended family will take the news when I find the strength to tell them.

Please know you are not alone. I'm sorry I don't have much advice on what you should do. Except that in the meantime, take extra special care of yourself. You're an incredibly strong man who's put up with so much horrible behavior.

Sending hugs, strength and peace,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have to also add that I have sought help through a lot of different avenues, as a woman, and basically had to just soldier on through it by myself. There are tons of resources in theory, but they are not as available as people believe. Even now, my ex-husband terrorizes me and pushes his way into my house. I've called the police on several occasions and they are just disgusted with *me* that we, as two adults, can't exchange the children 'all by ourselves'. They told me they couldn't do anything unless I had a restraining order. So I applied for one, but there were no police records of his behavior, so I didn't get the RO. I have stopped calling them.

I think a lot of us have had to just go it alone. If you get put into the hospital on a regular basis, you might be able to get some help. I had one organization tell me that unless he was abusing my kids, too, they couldn't help me. It is true crazy-making. I also had a lot of 'friends' tell me that 'it takes two to tango' and bullshit like that. I think we are on our own. Only we know our truth. And sometimes we have to go to extreme measures to free ourselves. I also had to leave my home.

Wishing you strength.

Kris Rose, Not,

Thanks for your replies. I know it is not only men who dont get help. There are lots of women who ask for help and dont quite get it also. That must be also very frustrating. I have a friend who's boyfriend beats her and they called the cops. He was arrested for a previous warrant but not charged with DV depsite her bruises and despite him choking her in their plain view.
I am looking to separate first. Physically. One of us has to go. Yes all my family have tried "oh go to counseling". My answer was we did go to counseling twice and she walked out each time on the second appt when the therapist said you cant abuse him anymore. Their response was "Oh". I doesnt appear GC works with abuse anyway. So sadly I am learning I am on my own. But with this group hopefully not alone.

Martin

My biggest source of support through all of it was my friends online. It really helps. Good luck.

Martin, Both times my biggest source of support has been friends and other people in similar circumstances whim I have met on the Internet.

As Rose said, in theory there is help out there but when you go to access it, it rarely applies to yourself. At least, it did not apply to myself. Or herself. I also had to leave the home we shared. Both times. I wonder though this, since you paid for the house, you can't get her to leave. You can generally have one free session with lawyers, sometimes by phone. I would call around and ask this question. Be sure to mention your health issues and her abuse, too.

Best of luck to you.

I don't know what state you live in but the problem with filing for divorce is that in most states, everything is split down the middle, 50/50. In that case, it might be hard to get her out of the house, UNLESS, you owned the house before the marriage. More and more men are being abused by their spouses and you are entitled to help just as much as the women are. I guess your family has never seen her mean streak, much like men are good at hiding how cruel they are by being so nice to everyone else. That holds true for women too. You say you are just frustrated, and frustrated you should be. Do you have a therapist to talk to? Any support groups in your area? They are not just meant for women. Let us know how you are doing and if you find some laws that protect you as well. Maybe a restraining order is needed, which will keep her away from the house. And if she causes any bruises on your body, have a camera or phone close by to take pictures. Hugs GB

Yes, unfortunately there is a double standard when it comes to abuse suffered by men in the hands of women. The same resources that women have, are often not available for men.
When I worked the abuse hot line many years ago, I had quit a few men call you. So the only advice I can give is to call a local hot line for abused women and talked to them about what your options are. There are legal advocates in most shelters and organizations whot may be able to help you answer questions about divorce , seperation ...
I hope this is of some help to you.

Your supposed to get a backbone, file for divorce and move on, that's what any logical person would do when they are being beaten. LOL, I shouldn't talk it happens to me and I stay too.

But I'm not married, I have an out, I'm sorry about your situation and being so flippant about it, but as I started to tell you what you need to do, I laughed because I am in the same situation, and I don't do anything about it either.

It's a hard thing to do, but you can do it. If you do try to work it out, i say some major counseling, your wife has I don't like to state the obvious but she shouldn't be hitting you, and if she continues to hit you, tell her your going to go stay with a friend or family member until she gets help.

She is not in charge and I think she is trying to gain that by hitting an punching dominating, which doesn't work.

You need to take care of yourself, take a stance, the worst she will do if you take a stance is leave you, or worse harm you permanently, be very careful to her outrageous blowups.

One of these days she can be running through the hallway, fall and hit the end of a table, and she's dead, is all this worth it going back and forth with the family, what are they gonna do? They don't live it, it's up to you to take the situation into your own hands, because if you don't and something happens, your not only going to regret it, but you will have a cloud of guilt over your head for the rest of your life.

Being married and facing a spouse that is, as the law says "an immediate risk of harm to themselves or others" You have one obvious tactic.

Have her committed. 72 hours of psychiatric observation is SO easy to get done. And if she does anything weird while being observed...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_commitment

reply#11 is more than a little odd

Thanks fortress,

Im thinking about replying but should I even bother??

amexdm

Hello,

Thanks to everoyne for their support and kind replies. I am working on a reasonable solution for myself.

Mad- you're comment was
"Your supposed to get a backbone, file for divorce and move on, that's what any logical person would do when they are being beaten."

Well if it was that easy, we wouldnt need this support group would we? I read your other post and you put in the beginning for everyone to be nice to you and not judge. And then you write this.
To say get a backbone is rather offensive and you dont really know the whole story.

To say she could run down the hallway and hit her head on a table. What does that have to do with me or the situiation? Please explain.

I only got my family involved becasue her pyscho sister went to them. They needed to hear my side of the story. Like I would have chosen to tell my family, yeah right.

This is a support group, act like it.

Martin